Tag: #relationship

Small Things, BIG Impact: Connecting With Our Partner(s)

Adulting is tiring.

The duties and responsibilities of day-to-day functioning can put blinders on us that we never consented to.

At the end of the day, our head hits the pillow and we’ve forgotten to let our person(s) know how important they are. If you’re like me, you feel terrible, fade out, get up tomorrow and do it all over again.

Sound familiar?

I don’t like being guilty of this.

As the person who’s usually in charge of things and keeps the machine running, I often forget to let my people know how much they mean to me. I don’t want to do this and I would bet you don’t either.

Most of us WANT to make sure our partner knows we care and love them, but, life’s hustle-bustle can sidetrack our good intentions.

So, how do we correct this?

How do we make sure we’re letting our partner(s) know how important they are to us amidst all this hectic adulting?

Well, I’ve got some simple and EASY things to suggest because they’ve worked for me. Deep in my heart, I hope one, or more, work for you. I’m cheerleading you on this!

Some we’ve heard before. But, the reason for that is because they’re small, tried & true, evergreen gestures that pack a powerful punch.

They work.

Date nigHT

Every magazine, every ‘better intimacy’ advice graphic on socials, our therapists, our BFF’s, ev-ery-one, etc talks about date night.

There’s a reason for that.

Date night is a simple and easy way to say:

  • you’re important to me
  • our relationship deserves tending and nurturing
  • I enjoy your company
  • tuning-out and focusing on each other has value to me
  • you deserve my full attention and I desire yours

Seems easy and logical, right?

Yet, we often forget what a powerful impact a regularly scheduled date night can have.

I did.

And, I had to be reminded.

So, I’m reminding YOU! Right now. Right in this moment.

Let me ask you this:

What’s more powerful than letting our partner know you value them SO much, you’ve carved out special time to be present with THEM, and ONLY them?

A regularly scheduled date night is one of the most effective ways to express so very much to your partner without saying a word.

asking what thier intimacy needs are

What you need, and what turns YOU on is not necessarily what your partner needs.

Sometimes, we forget that.

Of course we all have shared pleasures with our partners that compliment our individual wants, needs and desires. But, our shared pleasures often fluctuate and get influenced as our individual interests grow.

That’s why it’s important to ask our partners what is turning them on CURRENTLY.

By asking you partner what’s got them hot right now, the conversation opens for you both to share what’s stirrin’ and how you can provide that for one another.

Knowing what to do to turn on and fulfill your partner is a superpower.

It creates deep(er) intimacy and connection.

LOVE NOTE OR THOUGHTFUL TEXT

Thoughtfulness often tends to fall to the wayside simply because we are over-burdened with the responsibilities of adulting.

It’s not that we’re not thoughtful, it’s just hard to pause and consider a thoughtful gesture when our brain is doing this:

“Ugh, I’m late! I need gas! Did I pay the electric bill? My boss is a jerkoff. Is it my turn to pick up the kids! Shit!…the dog needs food!” and so on and so on.

Most of us understand THAT type of noise in our head. Right?

This is the exact reason a small thoughtful gesture like a little love note or thoughtful text is SO powerful.

The recipient knows you paused among all the madness of adulting to let them know you were thinking about THEM. KaPow!

Thoughtfulness is sexy.

run an errand when it’s not your turn

Every dynamic or relationship has errands.

Whether you cohabitate, only spend weekends together, meet up frequently for play parties, etc, there are shared errands.

If you see your partner juggling too much, use that opportunity to pick up the slack for them. Don’t ask, just do.

ANTICIPATING. NEEDS. IS. SEXY. AF.

OUT OF THE NORM ACTIVITIES

Do activities together that you don’t normally do!

This specific advice, we don’t hear so often.

I didn’t.

But WOW, what an amazing impact it had for me and my partner!

Unfortunately, if we’re not careful, things can get stale in a relationship. By sharing out-of-the-norm activities together new energy gets injected into ourselves, our partner, and the relationship as a whole.

Challenging ourselves in ways that aren’t in our normal wheelhouse, WITH our partner, creates powerful bonding.

Alternate who chooses the out-of-the-norm activity, then, choose one together. Repeat.

Alternating allows you learn TONS about your partner and you get to see them experiencing something THEY enjoy. I mean, what’s more wonderful than witnessing your partner engaged, stimulated, challenged, happy and fulfilled?

When it’s time for the shared-interest activity, commit to picking something that’s a smidge outside BOTH your comfort zones. Wait til you see what happens when you’re both on the other side of THAT. Fire!

PARTNER LISTENING CHECK-IN’S

Sort of like date night, but for just for listening.

Scheduling listening-time is a powerful tool for creating better intimacy.

Here’s what that structured, active-listening date looks like:

Be sure to find a quiet, relaxing place you both enjoy.

One person (the sharer) has the floor.

The other person (the listener) focuses on purposeful, active listening.

When the sharer feels that they’ve been thoroughly heard, then open dialog occurs.

The listener should begin with what they *think* the sharer was saying and expressing. This gives the sharer an opportunity to: (1)verify they’ve effectively expressed their thoughts (2)feel they’ve been heard (3)correct and/or clarify for the listener, if necessary.

The conversation should continue until both parties are satisfied with the communication they’ve shared.

This particular activity gets easier with repetition. It gets easier to express ourselves when we see our partner receptive and engaged in active listening. And, it gets easier to actively listen with practice.

This. Is. Powerful.

LAUGH TOGETHER

Certain things universally bond humans together. Laughter is one of them.

Laughter releases endorphins, oxytocin and dopamine. Kinksters know the intimacy power of these. Separately, each of them hold ‘feel good’ impact in the brain. Laughter releases ALL of them together which creates a powerful experience within ourselves and the person laughing WITH us.

Who doesn’t want to escape into good feels and laughter with their partner(s)?

Laugh together, love together. It’s magical.

Please let me know YOUR small and easy tools for creating better connections with your partner(s). I’d love to know what’s worked in different dynamics and how you implemented it.

Be sure to connect with me on Twitter, IG, Fetlife & FaceBook

Warm Regards, Kye

Agreement vs Obedience

A guest post by Hadrian Temple

One of the best things about social media is that it facilitates connection with others we might not have met otherwise. It provides an opportunity to share thoughts, perspectives, education, etc that often sparks a collective conversation. And sometimes, it inspires us. That’s exactly what happened yesterday between HadrianTemple & I. You’ll see my original tweet addressing submissives wherein I offer the message that they indeed have agency, a voice, and that they are NOT required to agree 100% with a/their dominant. You’ll see Hadrian Temple quote tweet me offering their contribution to this collective conversation. Then, something magical happened. Hadrian Temple was inspired to write the following blog post – Agreement vs Obedience. I’m honored to have played a part in this creative process. And, grateful that they agreed to allow me to share their writing as a guest post here on my blog!

Be sure to visit Hadrian Temple’s blog: Leather-Bound Press

A very brief discussion this morning with Mistress Kye (@mistresskye–give her a follow!) about the difference between being submissive and always agreeing with the dom made me think there was enough in this issue for a blog post.

To quote Kye’s original post, “A message to submissives: Remove the notion that you must agree w/ a/your Dominant 100% You are your own individual human being and have agency Anyone telling you different is tilting towards abuse Even players in committed TPE D/s know this You ALWAYS have a voice in kink”

Kye is 100% correct about this, for a whole lot of reasons. Subs should always strive to obey their doms (within the limits of their agreed-upon submission), but that doesn’t mean they are obligated to agree with everything their dom says and does.

First, a Dom’s first duty should always be to keep the sub safe from injury (physical, financial, career-wise, etc), and sometimes a dom will miss an important safety consideration that a sub notices. In a situation like that the sub should always speak up (“Sir, it seems like you forgot I can’t breathe well through my nose, so I can’t wear that gag” or “Mistress, if I send you the tribute you are demanding, I won’t be able to pay my mortgage”). Any decent dom knows they can’t know everything and that they might overlook something important, so a dom who expects a sub to remain silent in the face of a dangerous order is not a dom who should be obeyed at all.

Likewise, a sub should speak up when they are given an extremely unethical order or when their dom proposes to do something extremely unethical. A Dom’s leadership should always have an ethical component. A sub should follow their dom because they truly believe their dom deserves to be obeyed, and that means the dom should hold themself to a higher ethical standard. Obviously there are always ethical grey areas, but things like intentional consent violations (which are often crimes and may well be a form of physical or sexual assault), actions take maliciously to harm or upset someone or some group, sexual or financial exploitation of minors, or similar choices are signs a dom is making a serious error in judgment and a sub has a duty to speak up and challenge their Dom’s choice. Perhaps the dom has let their feelings get the best of them momentarily; in that case a sub serves their master by keeping them from making a serious mistake and reminding them to be the best person they can be.

On a less egregious level, any good dom realizes that their sub probably has knowledge and skills they lack, so they ask their sub for advice and input before they take action on something where the sub’s expertise is relevant. It’s common sense that if your sub knows a lot about the tax code, you should listen to your sub’s advice on how to file your taxes or whether to report your income from tribute.

It is a foolish dom who thinks he always has to know more than his sub. The more experienced a dom is, the more they generally understand that they don’t know everything there is to know about kink. A sub may very well be more experienced in a particular form of play than their dom is, and in a situation like they, the dom should let the sub guide and educate them, even if the dom is making the final choice about what to do.

Even experienced TPE relationships typically have room for the sub to have their own thoughts, hobbies, opinions, and so on. Many couples use standard phrases to indicate the sub’s desires while still retaining a submissive gloss to the exchange. For example, if the master says, “You’d like me to beat you, wouldn’t you?” and the slave in fact does not want a beating that day, the slave might say “Only if it pleases you, Sir”. The wording indicates the sub’s desire to not be beaten but makes it clear that the sub is still fully submitting and will accept the master’s choice to beat them. But this allows the master to know that the sub doesn’t want a beating. It might trigger a conversation about why the slave doesn’t want a beating; maybe the slave is still sore from their last beating or is having a bad day or knows that tomorrow is going to be a long work day.

Power exchange only works well if the couple has good communication. Even if the couple is operating on a model of extreme power exchange and submissive behavior, there are still ways for the sub to signal their wishes, needs, and concerns. A dom who isn’t encouraging their sub to express such things is eventually going to stumble into an emotional minefield or cause the slave to act out or run away or disobey, and those things will make the sub feel like a failure even when the mistake is really the dom’s.

So how do you handle this sort of issue in your relationship? Leave a comment!