Tag: #intimacy

Small Things, BIG Impact: Connecting With Our Partner(s)

Adulting is tiring.

The duties and responsibilities of day-to-day functioning can put blinders on us that we never consented to.

At the end of the day, our head hits the pillow and we’ve forgotten to let our person(s) know how important they are. If you’re like me, you feel terrible, fade out, get up tomorrow and do it all over again.

Sound familiar?

I don’t like being guilty of this.

As the person who’s usually in charge of things and keeps the machine running, I often forget to let my people know how much they mean to me. I don’t want to do this and I would bet you don’t either.

Most of us WANT to make sure our partner knows we care and love them, but, life’s hustle-bustle can sidetrack our good intentions.

So, how do we correct this?

How do we make sure we’re letting our partner(s) know how important they are to us amidst all this hectic adulting?

Well, I’ve got some simple and EASY things to suggest because they’ve worked for me. Deep in my heart, I hope one, or more, work for you. I’m cheerleading you on this!

Some we’ve heard before. But, the reason for that is because they’re small, tried & true, evergreen gestures that pack a powerful punch.

They work.

Date nigHT

Every magazine, every ‘better intimacy’ advice graphic on socials, our therapists, our BFF’s, ev-ery-one, etc talks about date night.

There’s a reason for that.

Date night is a simple and easy way to say:

  • you’re important to me
  • our relationship deserves tending and nurturing
  • I enjoy your company
  • tuning-out and focusing on each other has value to me
  • you deserve my full attention and I desire yours

Seems easy and logical, right?

Yet, we often forget what a powerful impact a regularly scheduled date night can have.

I did.

And, I had to be reminded.

So, I’m reminding YOU! Right now. Right in this moment.

Let me ask you this:

What’s more powerful than letting our partner know you value them SO much, you’ve carved out special time to be present with THEM, and ONLY them?

A regularly scheduled date night is one of the most effective ways to express so very much to your partner without saying a word.

asking what thier intimacy needs are

What you need, and what turns YOU on is not necessarily what your partner needs.

Sometimes, we forget that.

Of course we all have shared pleasures with our partners that compliment our individual wants, needs and desires. But, our shared pleasures often fluctuate and get influenced as our individual interests grow.

That’s why it’s important to ask our partners what is turning them on CURRENTLY.

By asking you partner what’s got them hot right now, the conversation opens for you both to share what’s stirrin’ and how you can provide that for one another.

Knowing what to do to turn on and fulfill your partner is a superpower.

It creates deep(er) intimacy and connection.

LOVE NOTE OR THOUGHTFUL TEXT

Thoughtfulness often tends to fall to the wayside simply because we are over-burdened with the responsibilities of adulting.

It’s not that we’re not thoughtful, it’s just hard to pause and consider a thoughtful gesture when our brain is doing this:

“Ugh, I’m late! I need gas! Did I pay the electric bill? My boss is a jerkoff. Is it my turn to pick up the kids! Shit!…the dog needs food!” and so on and so on.

Most of us understand THAT type of noise in our head. Right?

This is the exact reason a small thoughtful gesture like a little love note or thoughtful text is SO powerful.

The recipient knows you paused among all the madness of adulting to let them know you were thinking about THEM. KaPow!

Thoughtfulness is sexy.

run an errand when it’s not your turn

Every dynamic or relationship has errands.

Whether you cohabitate, only spend weekends together, meet up frequently for play parties, etc, there are shared errands.

If you see your partner juggling too much, use that opportunity to pick up the slack for them. Don’t ask, just do.

ANTICIPATING. NEEDS. IS. SEXY. AF.

OUT OF THE NORM ACTIVITIES

Do activities together that you don’t normally do!

This specific advice, we don’t hear so often.

I didn’t.

But WOW, what an amazing impact it had for me and my partner!

Unfortunately, if we’re not careful, things can get stale in a relationship. By sharing out-of-the-norm activities together new energy gets injected into ourselves, our partner, and the relationship as a whole.

Challenging ourselves in ways that aren’t in our normal wheelhouse, WITH our partner, creates powerful bonding.

Alternate who chooses the out-of-the-norm activity, then, choose one together. Repeat.

Alternating allows you learn TONS about your partner and you get to see them experiencing something THEY enjoy. I mean, what’s more wonderful than witnessing your partner engaged, stimulated, challenged, happy and fulfilled?

When it’s time for the shared-interest activity, commit to picking something that’s a smidge outside BOTH your comfort zones. Wait til you see what happens when you’re both on the other side of THAT. Fire!

PARTNER LISTENING CHECK-IN’S

Sort of like date night, but for just for listening.

Scheduling listening-time is a powerful tool for creating better intimacy.

Here’s what that structured, active-listening date looks like:

Be sure to find a quiet, relaxing place you both enjoy.

One person (the sharer) has the floor.

The other person (the listener) focuses on purposeful, active listening.

When the sharer feels that they’ve been thoroughly heard, then open dialog occurs.

The listener should begin with what they *think* the sharer was saying and expressing. This gives the sharer an opportunity to: (1)verify they’ve effectively expressed their thoughts (2)feel they’ve been heard (3)correct and/or clarify for the listener, if necessary.

The conversation should continue until both parties are satisfied with the communication they’ve shared.

This particular activity gets easier with repetition. It gets easier to express ourselves when we see our partner receptive and engaged in active listening. And, it gets easier to actively listen with practice.

This. Is. Powerful.

LAUGH TOGETHER

Certain things universally bond humans together. Laughter is one of them.

Laughter releases endorphins, oxytocin and dopamine. Kinksters know the intimacy power of these. Separately, each of them hold ‘feel good’ impact in the brain. Laughter releases ALL of them together which creates a powerful experience within ourselves and the person laughing WITH us.

Who doesn’t want to escape into good feels and laughter with their partner(s)?

Laugh together, love together. It’s magical.

Please let me know YOUR small and easy tools for creating better connections with your partner(s). I’d love to know what’s worked in different dynamics and how you implemented it.

Be sure to connect with me on Twitter, IG, Fetlife & FaceBook

Warm Regards, Kye

5 Kinky Games to Play at Home

Pandemic fatigue set in for many kinksters a LOOONG time ago. Especially those of us who used to attend community events like munches, socials and play parties on a fairly regular basis.

As life began the shift back to a more recognizable state, folks have been slow in returning to kink gatherings. Event holders I know tell me that they see a small uptick every few months or so. But, a lot of their kink community shares that they still feel the effects of the pandemic. And, simply don’t feel motivated to return to in-person events. The hosts tell me that they now work 2x as hard to increase new business because regulars aren’t returning so quickly.

I asked around about this phenomenon. Kinksters not coming out to play parties? That doesn’t sound right. Yet, the more I asked, the more I found it’s occurring everywhere.

Some of the reasons kinksters have cited for staying home from events include:

  • existing health concerns and catching the virus
  • social anxiety of being around lots of people again
  • avoiding the overstimulating atmosphere at events
  • inflation costs gobbling up money once used for event tickets

Although some folks are opting to stay in rather than attend kink gatherings, that doesn’t mean the shenanigans have have to pause. I mean, we ARE a creative & sensual bunch and there is kinky fun to be had right at home.

I’ve put together a list of 5 easy games for stay-at-home-kink’in!

1. Kinky Kama Sutra

Grab your hard copy of Kama Sutra, put your thumb on the edge of the pages and speed through them until your partner says “stop.’ Whatever page you land on you must act out that position. Naked, of course.

But, for a kinky twist, one of you must be blindfolded as the other directs your bodies into position with voice and touch. Once accomplished, grab the book and start again, alternating who wears the blindfold.

This engages on several aspect of kink. Power exchange, communication, sensory deprivation, anticipation, playfulness, fun and intimate touch.

2. Kinky Adventure

With many of us staying at home so much more than we did pre-pandemic, we’re reminiscing about the things we used to out & about. This game takes those happy memories and marries them into a fun and kinky game.

Public/semi-public sex is a common kinky fantasy. This game taps into that.

Individually, you and your partner each make a list of all the places you’d like to have sex outside your home. It can be as public as a park, or as covert as a friends garage. (*it should be noted that I’m obviously NOT suggesting that you have sex out in the open in front of everyone at the park because of consent surrounding other park go-ers)

The sky is the limit!

There are no wrong answers.

Then, plan to spend a few sexy evenings sharing each others lists. What usually happens is you’ll go from discussing fantasy ‘outings’ to actually planning one!

Intimate nights with your partner communicating your desires, sharing vulnerabilities and planning your adventure is an anticipation builder. Kinky play often involves igniting anticipation. Not only that, you’ll be participating the kink fundamental of negotiations.

Then, the bonus is having sex in all sorts of thrilling places where you just may get caught! Kinky public play, check!

3. Kinky ‘Would You Rather’

‘Would You Rather’ is often used as a party game to spark laughter or to playfully razz party go’ers with choosing between 2 uncomfortable options. But, sometimes, it ends up sparking players into genuinely deep conversation that creates bonding.

In ‘Kinky Would You Rather’ we’re shooting for all of that.

Spend time beforehand making a list of the ‘would you rather’ questions you’d like to ask you partner to help you discover their kinky wants, needs & desires. Here are some examples:

  • would they rather tease & denial orgasm play or forced orgasm?
  • would they rather be restrained by handcuffs or rope?
  • spanked or flogged?
  • send a nude text or receive?
  • would you rather me flirt with a stranger or try to entice a stranger to flirt with me?
  • would you rather be called “_______” or “_______” during sex?
  • would you rather have me wear your underwear or wear yours?

You get the idea. The list of possible questions is endless.

‘Kinky Would You Rather’ is quite similar to the ‘negotiation’ aspect of kink play. We often go through checklists like this when finding our play partners boundaries and limits. It helps us to understand our compatibilities and the things we’d like to try.

This game dials into that.

It’s a great game to play periodically as your kink journey opens new and different doors of interest.

4. Kinky Rough Sex Play

Many of us fantasize about a partner desiring us on such a carnal level, they lose themselves in passion. Who wouldn’t want to be desired so deeply that your partner tears your clothes away?

This little game allows you to dabble in rough passion play in a safe, consensual way.

Purchase some super cheap underwear and tank tops for both of you and go crazy tearing them away.

OR, take turns by dedicating a night to one partner being the “Dom” who does the tearing with the other being the “sub” getting their clothes torn away by desire. Then switch next time.

By alternating, this gives each of you the chance to play both sides of the D/s and explore which is more appealing to yourself, and your partner. I guarantee some terrific kinky conversations with come from this type of power exchange play.

5. Mutual Tease & Denial

Who doesn’t love to masturbate? Who doesn’t love to watch their partner maturate? This game takes that fun a step further by bringing a mutual masturbation sesh to the next level with tease and denial.

Begin by laying next to you partner completely naked. Part of the denial is not allowing your partner to touch you during this phase. Set your phone’s stopwatch to one minute intervals of masturbation time.

Upon the alarm, you must halt immediately. The time spent waiting while the stopwatch is re-set is part of the denial as well. The first to cum helps the other finish.

Win-win.

*What are some of your favorite kinky home games? Do you have any suggestions for enhancements to the games listed on this post? As always, I want to hear from you all.

Warm Regards, Kye