bdsm – Kinkology

One of my favorite things about kink being far more mainstream now than it was when I was a young kinkster is the kink/fetish/BDSM fashion.

Super Bowl 2015 Dominatrix Ad

We see it more and more in places like Fashion Week in NYC, Paris & Milan.

Kink fashion even made its way into a 2015 Super Bowl ad, for pistachios of all things!

By all accounts, it was the first of it’s kind to say “Dominatrix” in the ad let alone show one in action. I believe this mainstream ad may have been a catalyst that set designers & manufacturers on fire to emulate our scene-wear. Which, in turn, was the start of more kinky fashion choices for us.

Well, for some of us.

Although kink fashion had become more readily available, much of it had been designed for the stereotypical tall, thin, long-legged Dominatrix. It’s only in more recent years that we’ve seen a broader selection for all body types, especially ‘thick’ kinksters like me.

Case in point, back in 2015-ish, I pinned my hopes on an Amazon corset that indicated ‘plus’ sizes available. I’m very bottom-heavy and needed a corset that offered enough room to fit my upper booty curvature. Knowing the sizes were likely WAY off, I went with the largest size offered, figuring I could alter it down pretty easily. No surprise, it was too small. WAY too small.

In that moment, I knew plus sized, non-specialized fetish wear hadn’t quite made it to mainstream shopping just yet.

But, today? Today is a whole new world.

Manufacturers are finally catching on that making correct sizes for everyday women is profitable. It took my entire lifetime, but, it’s finally here. We can pick up our phones and have choices of kink fashion at our fingertips.

Which brings me to my downtime. It often consists of sitting with my mom for 45 minutes to make sure she takes all of her meds and doesn’t choke in the process. I’ve gotten into a rhythm where I use that time to scroll Amazon for plus-size kink fashion. I began posting my finds on my Twitter (@MistressKye) and IG (@MistressKye) but soon realized my feeds were getting overloaded with kink fashion posts.

So, it dawned on me to just start creating blog posts, each with a handful of fun, kink fashion items for curvy kinksters & Dommes like me.

This is the inaugural blog post in a series called ‘Kink Fashion For Curvy Dommes.’

I hope you enjoy the goodies I’ve found!

*It should be noted that the links to these items are for my Amazon Affiliates account. This affiliate account doesn’t really earn much. But, it helps offset expenses for a home I donate as a safe house for domestic violence victims.

Feax Leather Wrap Skorts

WHY I LIKE:

The overlap always hides that pesky lower abdominal region. For me, that area is my nemesis.

Second, the top part of the overlap is off-kilter leading the eye down and away from the abdominal while ALSO creating a trick-of-the-eye triangular effect which is always slimming.

V shape is a fashion staple to slim and flatter curvy types.

Lastly, skorts. Sometimes, in a mini skirt, I’m constantly worried about exposing my hoooch. Skorts are perfect, they look like a mini, but hide the goods.

Leather Look Zip-Up Corset

WHY I LIKE:

Zip front. Easy on and off. Period.

Corsets are struggle enough most of the time. Spend your energy on better things than struggling with a corset.

Second, it’s sleek. Visually, we humans like curves. Easy, smooth curves with no disruptions is an observers dream scenario. This corset accommodates that.

Faux leather. No animals were harmed.

Lastly, hourglass, hourglass, hourglass. We all desire it. Hourglass gives us the good feels. Every Domme should have a corset.

FAUX LEATHER LONG SKIRT W/ RUFFLES

WHY I LIKE:

We should always be celebrating our curves.

This does exactly that w/ 60% polyester, 40% spandex.

What I like even more is that it starts like a snuggly pencil skirt, but then moves into fun ruffles.

Speaking of the ruffles-they give good texture. They also keep it from being too pencil skirt-ish, which can optically over-inflate hips. If you’re already hippy, this skirt will balance you out.

Length. It can elongate. Sometimes, for me, a mini makes me look stubby.

The irregular hemline of angled ruffles creates drama which can be a great distraction AND a perfect accent of playfulness.

Pearls. What a nice pop of something different. Pretty, a little theatrical but not heavy and overpowering. Just the right amount of ‘extra.’

PLUS SIZED WET-LOOK LONG GLOVES

WHY I LIKE:

I’ve not seen too many plus size long gloves and I’m thrilled to have found these.

Not only are they aesthetically pleasing, complimentary and sending a subluminal message of higher station, they can make our arms look sleek, seductive and mysterious.

Many kinksters and fetishists LOVE wet-look. It’s a BDSM staple in kink fashion that even non-fetishists really enjoy.

Slapping lands differently with gloves. Especially wet-look gloves. The sound and feel enhances the ambiance of your scene.

Plus, what submissive doesn’t love to have their face clutched with a gloved hand?

PLUS SIZE STRAPPY THIGH HARNESS

WHY I LIKE:

Harnesses are almost always made for very thin folks. It’s just recently that I’m seeing many more options for more traditional body types.

Harnesses are becoming a favorable kinky fashion accessory. They can be worn on the skin as in this image, OR over stockings, latex, wet-look leggings, catsuits, etc.

They can also draw the eye to accentuate waste and lower body ‘assets.’ For bottom heavy gals like me, I sometimes like to show off my small waist and thunder thighs. Conversely, my BFF likes to use a thigh harness like this to add lower-body visual ‘weight’ to balance off her large boobies.

Wide Calf Boots

WHY I LIKE:

I love these boots for several reasons:

Elastic calf material fits perfectly to nearly every calf size
Elastic gives boots a fashionable 2 tone look
Sturdy 3″ heel. Keyword, STURDY
Buckles, Buckles, Buckles
Thick sole adds about 1/2″ height
They’re comfortable for long kink scenes, play parties, conventions
If you’re a thick thigh gal, this boot height adds a smidge of thickness to your lower legs creating one long smooth line downward – symmetry.

I hope you enjoyed the selection in this post. Much more to come!

Please subscribe to my blog to be notified of more posts in the ‘Kink Fashion for Curvy Dommes’ series.

Also, check out my Twitter for random kink musings, BDSM education, misc kinky fashion finds and SO much more.

We feel most connected with others when we’re listening more than talking.

As a kink educator, a common concern I hear from the kink community is feeling unheard or not thoroughly listened to.

It seems that with content thrust upon us at every turn, as a society we’ve built in a numbing-of-the-noise in our daily lives. Content even comes crashing into the most mundane of places. Just yesterday, I was pumping gas and a screen above the pump came on with a segment from The Tonight Show followed by 3 commercials. Who benefits from 3 commercials while pumping gas? Not you or I, that’s for sure. Just the opposite, it’s conditioning us to a listening numbness that probably affects our ability to listen even when we want to. Like when we want to get our kink on.

One of our fundamentals in the kink community is open communication. But, what’s open communication worth without active listening? We have to place as much importance on listening as we do on sharing. Listening to one another carefully is how we form a stronger intimate connection.

Becoming a better listener might seem simple but it’s often not so easy. Many folks struggle to be communication-present. Active listening takes effort, and oftentimes, some self-training. That’s where mindfulness comes in.

Here are 3 simple, yet powerful tips rooted in mindfulness that will help develop your listening skills and a better kink experience.

1. Be curious.

Sincere curiosity means that we are interested in learning and letting others engage & influence us. Curiosity leads to learning but because comprehension requires humility, we must be willing to be humble and acknowledge not knowing.

Admitting to not knowing can hit differently for some kinksters involved in power exchange play or dynamics/relationships.

For some Dominants, it’s oftentimes a struggle due to fears of looking weak for not being all-knowing. Especially to their submissive. For subs, they can fear looking unworthy of serving if they don’t ‘know’ and anticipate their all their Dominant’s needs.

Regardless of which side of the slash we fall, sincere curiosity is a root element to practicing mindful listening. It creates a safe space for others to feel at ease and communicate.

Listening to one another carefully is how we build a stronger intimate connections. This connection helps us build trust.
Mistress Kye

A part of sincere curiosity that can make active listening easier is by setting a genuine intention to understand the other person. What happens is that the more they see your curiosity & intention, the more inclined they’ll be to engage. Their engagement ultimately helps assist you with your active listening.

It can take time to get better at mindfulness, so try not to be too hard on yourself. Active listening overall is a practiced process. Sort of like a kink journey. It takes time, investment, nurturing and practice.

Here are some of the ways you can use mindfulness to help you practice sincere curiosity.

-Ask yourself what matters most to them in what they are sharing?

-What are some of the feelings you see underlying what they’re sharing about their kink interests?

-What sounds like their wants, needs and desires in what they’re expressing?

-Stay curious until you get a sincere sense that they feel they’ve been heard and understood.

An important part of this is checking in with yourself.

-How did it feel to practice genuine interest?

-What did you learn that you might not have known otherwise?

-How can what you learned help you in future active listening?

-How can what you learned help you to understand your kink journey together?

2. Letting others influence you

For some in the kink community, it may feel uncomfortable to hear that they should be influenced. For others, outside influence can be problematic.

Some Dominants can be especially objectionable to influence. But I like to remind them that influence isn’t a scary word so long as we’re talking about positive influence. If the goal is to move forward, whether it’s leading a scene or a dynamic/relationship, a good leader knows positive influence is necessary from all parties involved. Their input and influence is part of the overall well-being of your collective journey together.

Subs can often struggle with people-pleasing so the wrong kind of influence can be problematic. Being submissive doesn’t mean following blindly. It seems they sometimes forget they have agency. Using mindful active listening can help them decide WHO should be allowed to influence them, rather than just letting the urge to people-please make the decisions.

The best type of influence occurs when we recognize that we should listen in the way we wish to be listened to. It is a potent tool in developing greater intimacy through kink.

We feel most connected with others when we’re listening more than talking

Mistress Kye

3. Be quite. Be Patient.

It’s pretty impossible to be speaking AND listening at the same time. So, if you’ve set your intention to listen, do just that. One of the most powerful tools we can have as a kinkster is being patient.

A common struggle is wanting to chime in. Whether there’s a lull in the conversation or wanting to reply to what’s been said, being quite and patient takes practice. Mindfulness can help with that.

Here are 2 mindful things to consider in those circumstances:

Lulls are often people gathering their thoughts. Give them time to ponder and find their feelings & words. When engaging in kinky communication we’re often accessing vulnerable places within ourselves. Give them a safe space to move at their own pace.
We simply cannot absorb & comprehend if we’re distracted preparing our response. In order to be a better listener, focus on what’s being said to you. You may feel compelled to chime in when there’s a lull, but use that time to absorb what’s just been expressed to you. You’ll have your chance to respond soon enough.

Patience is something many struggle with but it can be achieved with practice. Start small by simply being mindful that you want to be a better listener

By applying any, or all, of these potent listening skills you’ll put the other person at ease. That alone can provide the ‘permission’ necessary to speak their peace or express their kinky wants, needs and desires. A greater flow of communication and connection will come from that, and you’ll be on your way to developing greater intimacy through kink.