35 Easy Consent-Convo Starters

In the kink community kinksters rely upon open communication in order to provide a safe space. This helps us to access our vulnerabilities and get to know one another and build trust.

When trust happens, it leads to the consent required for all the kinky, intimate and fun things we like to do together.

But sometimes, in our eagerness to get to the big show or when we’re deep in our scene/intimacy, we can struggle to find the words needed to make sure we’re checking in with our partners and gaining their explicit consent.

I’ve put together a list that has helped me start and keep open communication flowing to make sure full consent is occurring. I hope you find these useful. Please share your suggestions and ideas in the replies, or tag me on Twitter @MistressKye so we can share your insights with others in the kink community.

Here are 35 EASY ways to get the consent conversation started:

How do you feel about ….. ?

Can we try something new?

Do you like that?

Do you want me to put on a condom?


Should I slow down?

Now or later?

Are you ok?

What do you like?

Want more?

What excites you?

Is this ok?

Want to try something different?

Should I stop?

Like this?

Want to talk?

Do you enjoy this?

Want to cuddle?

Can I touch you here?

Do you want to have sex?

What do you want to do?

How does that feel?

Does that sound good?

Want to keep going?

Can I help you out of that?

Are you sure you want this?

What do you want right now?

How far do you want to go?

Can I touch you?

Do you want to try that with me?

How would you like me to do that?

Are you up for a quickie?

Can I take your hand?

Does that feel good?

Do I have your consent?

Letter From A Narcissist


*In as much as I’m grateful to you for checking out my blog post, I never, ever want to cause anyone to be blindsided by something that will trigger distress. So please accept my trigger warning.

In my many decades in the kink scene and working as an advocate for intimate partner violence victims I’ve seen every form of narcissist. From covertly mild to violently abusive I’ve seen them all. Where you find the vulnerable, you find predators. And, narcissists are indeed predators.

This Letter From a Narcissist is a culmination of all of them. It’s something I sat down and wrote simply because I needed to get out of my body after seeing my dear friend broken from yet another narcissist. She’d gotten better at spotting them, but this one was incredibly cunning, manipulative and had developed highly covert skills.

In the end, the core pattern was the same.

Dear __________,

I have to warn you. Before we start, you should run.

Seriously, run.

Don’t think about it. Don’t look back. Just run. Forget you ever met me.


I will break your heart. I will stomp all over it. I will obliterate you

And I’ll feel zero remorse.

It’ll go a little like this:

First, I’ll fall hard and fast for you. You will be my life’s breath. You’ll feel loved like nothing you’ve ever experienced. I will love you to the point of exhaustion. You’ll think all your dreams are coming true. I’ll make you love me. I’ll make your family love me. Your friends will love me. I’ll charm EVERYONE that’s important to you.

Then, I’ll give you hope. Hope for a perfect future. Hope for everything you’ve ever wished for. I’ll be the answer to all your dreams. I’ll paint milestones of beauty like a wedding, kids, life partnership, buying a house, and every meaningful event you desire. I will speak of a deeper connection, fulfillment, and all the lovely things you can imagine.

I will find out EXACTLY what your hopes & dreams are. Then, I’ll project them back to you that I’M the hearts & roses path to them. The ONLY path to them. And, you will see it. You will feel it. You will breath it. I’m THAT convincing.

Then, I’ll get bored.

YOU will bore me.

Suddenly and without warning I will get so very bored. You’ll begin to disgust me and you’ll pick up on this change. It will confuse you. You’ll feel pain. But, I don’t care. You bore me to my core. I’ll lose interest in everything about you. Your touch. Your words. Your life. I’ll pull away without explanation. Then, I wont think of you at all.

You’ll work so very hard to remind me of the good old days. Of our special love. But, it’ll be too late. I’ve already moved on. You don’t know it, but you DO NOT exist for me anymore. And, I don’t care that you don’t realize this.

You. Do. Not. Exist.

You’ll defend me to your family and friends. I’ll act like I’ve never met them.

You. Will. Exhaust. Yourself.

If you’re lucky, I won’t be the obsessive, stalker, violent abuser type. But you won’t know that until you’re in SO deep that life feels like a boot on your throat.

I will not stop until you HATE ME more than you ever loved me.

Listen to me, RUN.

But, you wont. You think you can fix me.

You’re wrong.


Dungeon/Play party etiquette can vary from event to event, venue to venue. The dungeon you were at last weekend may have had a very rigid code of conduct. One you’re interested in attending next month may appear to operate on a free-for-all basis. Even your favorite event host may have changing party protocols based solely upon the venue they secure.

This can be confusing, and even frustrating, at times. I get it. As a many-decades kinkster, I’ve seen dungeon etiquette run the gambit.

So, how do I combat the confusion? For every event I plan to attend, even if I’ve been there before, I proactively seek the rules. And, I do it BEFORE purchasing my ticket. With little effort you can locate them. Dungeons usually have club rules clearly listed on their website. On FetLife, they’re almost always posted within the event page description. If you have trouble finding them, reach out to the host directly. Just don’t wait until the day of the event when everyone’s setting up and too busy to answer PM’s and emails.

Although party-specific rules can vary, there are commonly accepted universal rules in the kink community.

For the purposes of this blog post we’re calling them ‘dungeon etiquette.’ But, these are consideration/thoughtfulness/respect-based codes of conduct that are long-standing and established for dungeon/play parties.


Do NOT Touch

Seems simple and sounds like common sense, right? Three little words. Yet, it’s one of the biggest problems at many kink events. Dungeons have even taken to posting signage that reads “NO TOUCHING WITHOUT EXPLICIT CONSENT.” The BDSM/kink community is built on a foundation of trust through open communication and explicit consent which leads to the trust we require to access vulnerable places within us. Consent being the paramount component.

But, sometimes people feel like they are in grey areas. Or, for a myriad of reasons, they just aren’t sure how be behave situationally. I understand. The best advice I can give is to never, ever touch without explicit, expressed consent.

What often happens at play parties is we get caught up in all the excitement and dopamine & endorphins start pumping through us. Everyone has been there. But, it’s important to remind ourselves that just because we are in a sexually charged environment, that NEVER means it’s ok to touch someone without their EXPLICIT expressed consent. Regardless of what’s occurring around us.

Over the years, I’ve been asked questions from folks who felt situationally confused, had the best of intentions, but felt they were in a grey area and didn’t want to proceed poorly. Here’s small sample of a few of those questions them:

“What if I did a scene with them at a previous event last week?

NO. The consent you were granted does not go beyond the the scene your shared together last week. It isn’t a blanket consent.

“They said once they’d like to play/do a scene with me someday.”

NO. That’s just a previous expression of interest. It’s not a current green light to touch them.

“We’ve been messaging and planned to meet up here at this event.”

NO. This is NEVER a guarantee of intimacy or kink play. You’re simply meeting up at the event. People use public events (even play parties) as an opportunity to safely get to know others in the community. This is a common vetting practice. Just because you discussed your compatible kinks, or even flirted a bit prior, it’s not ever permission to touch them in-person without explicit consent.

It’s also important to note that just because someone accepted a gesture from you in the past, like a hug, it’s not standing permission to do same. I always ask if I can hug them even when I know it’s ok. This because my actions as a fellow kinkster can set an example for others and we’re all responsible for the betterment of our community.

Advice: A consent violation is not worth the risk. Not only does it mean getting booted from the event, a ‘consent violator’ often gets blacklisted in their local kink community. Once labeled as such, there’s not really any coming back from that.

Hands Off Someone’s Toys

Toy collections are often personal. They’ve been used for intimate connections and can carry fond memories. Often, past or current partners may have gifted them. To some folks, they may just seem like objects-du-fun, but to many collection owners, they’re very personal. In the same way you wouldn’t just hop on a strangers motorcycle or use someone’s eyeshadow palette without asking, the same applies for kink toys.

BUT, if you’re like me, and you see something really sexy or interesting, you want to know more!

The good thing is kinksters DO love to chat about their collection. If you want to handle someone’s implements (toys, I’m talking about toys ya pervs), all you have to do is engage the owner. I like openers similar to “mind if I check out your paddle/flogger?” or “this is really cool, is it ok if I pick it up?” or “can I see what it feels like to hold/swing this?” Asking if it’s hand made or who made it is also a great opener. You’ll likely get a favorable response because you were respectful. Plus, a new kink friendship was is often made.

Btw, keep timing in mind. If they’re laying toys out, it’s probable that they’re headed into a scene. Is their play partner already positioned? Do they seem in a zone? Its best to suss that out before engaging them. Approach them once they’ve re-emerged from aftercare.

Did you know that the laying out of toys is often a ritualistic PART of the scene? It’s a psychological tool in our arsenal that we Dominants/Tops wield to build delicious, seductive anticipation. BONUS: An added benefit to asking first is that others will see/witness you as respectful. Respect garners you trust. Trust and respect are currency in the kink community!

Respect Everyone’s Bubble

Whether it’s their personal bubble or an scene bubble, steer clear.

A Personal Bubble is the space that surrounds someone’s body. That space belongs to them. Every society has a standard bubble and in the US it’s 18″. We’ve all had that uncomfortable feeling when someone is standing too close, that’s the intrusion of your personal bubble. At kink events, try to be very mindful of everyone’s personal bubble. Body language violations are powerful silent assigns that can garner someone a ‘creepy vibe’ reputation.

A Scene Bubble is the space surrounding where someone is engaged in play or a “scene.” Respecting a scene bubble is incredibly important for several of reasons.

First, you never interrupt a scene (this is discussed below in Never Interrupt An Active Scene). Walking or standing too close to an active scene is intrusive, distracting and disrespectful to those engaged in it. We all love to watch a good scene, who doesn’t? But, that must happen from a respectful distance. A good rule of thumb is to imagine a bubble around the scene, then, make the bubble a third larger. That’s your guideline.

The second reason to respect a scene bubble is safety. From personal experience folks have gotten whacked by my floggers’ backswing by walking too close. I’ve seen people walk into active paddles. Once, a Top’s wrist got sprained and the person walking into them got a black eye because there were beelining it to watch another scene-but not paying attention to the one right in front of them.

Reminder: A personal bubble is approximately 2′. For scenes, imagine a bubble around the play area, then, make it 1/3 bigger. That’s your boundary.

Use Your DM’s. What’s A DM?

Most every event you’ll attend where kink play is engaged has dungeon monitors (DM’s). They’re there to keep everyone safe via security, answering questions and assisting party go’ers. They generally know the answers to any questions you have and if they don’t, they know where to get ’em. DM’s also wrap folks up when they’ve gone over allotted equipment or room limits. They oversee active public scenes to ensure a sub/bottom is ok or that the Top/Dom/me is respecting limits & boundaries. They can assist with equipment issues as well.

Generally, they’re in place to attend to everyone best interest. Like kinky guardian angels.

Sex and Nudity. Ask Ahead.

As discussed above, kink events/play parties are highly varied. So is the Sex/Nudity rule. In many locations in the US, events cannot legally have alcohol AND nudity/sex. Some parties offer BYOB. Some don’t. Some allow BYOB & nudity but no penetration. CFNM are power exchange-centered where subs are required to be nude but they’re there to serve, not to engage in kinky sex. Rope events can be nude or clothed, partner sex or just rope share. There are many, MANY variables.

If this is important to you for an event you’re considering, check the promo materials, event page or website. It’s often outlined there. If not, contact the event holder directly. I’d especially contact them about the issue surrounding alcohol and sex because there are actual local laws and ordinances regarding this. Brick and mortar locations are usually up to date on the specifics of local laws & ordinances since they hold the all the legal liability. Locations have been shut down altogether for violating these local ordinances.

It’s best to check every event thoroughly.

Advice: Do you due diligence. Never go into a kink event assuming nudity, sex or alcohol are an option.

Never Interrupt An Active Scene

As touched upon in the ‘Bubble’ section, avoiding an active scene is required for good etiquette. In fact, it’s highly frowned upon.

When players choose to engage publicly and share their scene with us, it’s a gift, not an invitation to engage WITH them. If they scene publicly it’s usually because they feel safe and comfortable. Isn’t that what we all seek in the kink community – to have a safe and comfortable place to be ourselves? Avoid fracturing their scene, because ultimately, it can fracture their feeling of safety.

So, unless you’ve been clearly invited, and engaged in negotiations ahead of time, stand down. I’d go so far as to say that even if a Top invites you mid-scene, decline. Why? You have no way of knowing if the bottom/sub consented to THAT in negotiations. And, they certainly can’t consent mid-scene when they’re likely high on mind-altering things like endorphins and dopamine, right?

Scene interruption also includes being mindful of your voice level when in close proximity. Especially in smaller play spaces.

Remember: Whatever the reason they chose to play in front of everyone, it’s never, EVER an invitation to interrupt, comment, offer suggestions, flirt, joke around, step into, touch etc.

Clean Up After Yourself

This seems like a no-brainer. But, clean up falls through the cracks more often than people realize. If you’ve been part of a dungeon crew or play party event staff, you understand this all too well.

It’s not that folks are running around being ignorant and thoughtless. Not at all. What happens is that everyone is zombie’d out after a scene and clean up falls through the cracks. Or, aftercare occurs and everyone is coming down from endorphins, adrenaline & dopamine and are sorta stupefied.

But, part of the social contract of being permitted to scene at someone’s event is post-scene clean up. At some events it goes further than a social contract and it’s part of the rules listed in the paperwork you signed upon entry. This is especially so at brick and mortar dungeons. If they’re kind enough to purchase & provide the clean up products, try to be mindful to use them.

Also, imagine if the people before you didn’t clean up. Would you want to be rubbing around in their stray sweat, saliva or other bodily fluids? I always recommend using the sanitizing supplies and wipes prior to and after your scene.

Note: Nobody wants to be disrespectful to others. Try to be mindful that clean up is part of your overall scene. It can be a shared task further bonding the two of you post-scene. Or, for the service subs, clean up extends your scene further.


Confidentially is up there with consent. It’s a kink/BDSM fundamental that’s rooted all the way back to when we kinksters were forced to play deeply underground.

What happens at parties, stays at parties. Just like Vegas.

Some confidentiality guidelines to consider:

  1. Sometimes you run into someone from your vanilla life AT a kink event. It happens. Sometimes it’s awkward, sometimes it’s not. Regardless, it’s best to refrain from talking to them about outside-world, vanilla stuff. Why? Many people leave their ‘real-world’ identities at the door and are there to indulge in their kink persona. Just like you, they’re there to escape into and enjoy kinky aspects of themselves. Nothing kills a kinky buzz like real-world talk.
  2. Regarding that same vanilla friend just mentioned. When you do see them again in your vanilla lives, remember that kink talk isn’t comfortable for most folks. They’re often scared of being accidentally ‘outted’ or someone overhearing your conversation. Suss that out, a lot. Maybe you’ll chat kink, maybe you wont. But, never lead with thinking it’s ok.
  3. Since many people can’t be ‘out’ about being kinky we need to protect one another. If you see or meet someone at a ANY kink event and run into them publicly its best to proceed as if they’re a stranger. Even if they’re alone. Plus, you don’t know what their comfort level is about that part of their life. The next time you see each other at a kink event, you’ll have something to chat about AND you’ll both likely make a new kink friend.

We all make a social pact in the kink community to look out for one another’s best interest. Be a good community member.

My own personal, bonkers, experience with this: I was at a public, vanilla event with my horses. From across a large crowd I hear “Mistress Kye, Mistress Kye!” I was up on my horse and clearly a center of attention in the crowd. Plus, there were tons of kids around me and my horse. I made eye contact and smiled to silently acknowledge them and then continued with the crowd. I figured they’d take the hint. Surprisingly, they didn’t. They proceeded calling out “Mistress Kye!” from across the crowd as they made their way towards me. Because of this, I had to move my horse away from the kids while being as nonchalant as I could. I even looked back to give “shut up” eyeballs as I walked off-and they were STILL calling out. I went to our horsey break area for privacy. There I told them to STFU to hell and back. Normally, I would never be so hostile. Normally, I’d just ignore them and address it the next time I saw them. Most people would take the hint at the start. BUT, they made such an inappropriate spectacle that it forced me to exit a paid gig in order to shut them down. I was a little upset at their sheer thoughtlessness. Sure, I’m openly out as a kinkster, but that type of spectacle is never ok in a vanilla setting. At an adult convention, YES, call me out across the crowd, let’s do a selfie, lets chat! A vanilla event, NO screaming “Mistress Kye!” in front of kids.

Intoxicating Substances

For the most part, event hosts do NOT want anyone playing under the influence. That’s because legal responsibility falls upon them. There are a plethora of legal issues, criminal and civil, that event hosts/dungeon owners face if they allow intoxicated play to occur and something goes wrong. But most importantly, it’s simply not safe for you, who you’re playing with, or the host of the event.

Does this mean that ALL events don’t allow alcohol or other substances? No. It happens. As mentioned in the ‘Sex and Nudity’ section above, all events vary. But, I can attest that after decades in the kink scene, most of the worst instances/disasters I know of have occurred with folks under the influence. I’ve seen hospital visits, broken bones, damaged kidneys and more. Even under the best circumstances, what we do can get risky and things go wrong. Why amplify the odds of something bad happening?

Most dungeons and event hosts are NOT willing to incur the risks surrounding the legal ramifications of intoxicated players. And, if you have a reputation for playing high or drunk, they’ll blacklist you from their events to protect themselves and their community.

Honorariums. Scene Names. Pronouns.

It’s simple. How someone chooses to be addressed is how you address them. Period.


You know me as Mistress Kye. I’ve chosen that. Yet, I’ve experienced (by mostly cis men) being called “Goddess” in place of “Mistress.” I don’t care for this whatsoever and I’ll tell you why. I CHOSE “Mistress” and I’m well within reason to expect to be called by something I chose for myself, rather than what someone else prefers to call me. All kink protocols aside, it’s just rude as fuck to address others by what YOU prefer, than what they call themselves. It’s like someone introducing their friend “James” and someone immediate saying “Nice to meet you, Jimmy.”

It has nothing to do with our kink community protocols and everything to do with human-to-human respect.

Scene Names

Let’s say you know someone’s ‘real’ name or government name because you’re friendly outside the kink community. Although you have that familiarity, it’s best to address them by their chosen scene name when involved in any kink community events. Unless otherwise directed by that person. The person you see at events is often their alter persona. Let them indulge in that part of themselves.


I know this should go without saying, but, just ask. Period. It’s easy. “What are your preferred pronouns?”

Advice: Just ask how someone wants to be addressed.

*Please accept my invitation to share your insights, experiences, suggestions, etc. regarding dungeon and play party etiquette, rules & protocols. I know there’s SO much more you can to add to this conversation and I’d love to hear from you in the replies so we can share a discussion together.

Also, feel free to share on your socials so we can bring more folks into our conversation.

If you want to be notified when my next post goes up, enter your email below🙂

Warm Regards, Kye

My Kinky Valentine

Valentine’s Day gives lovers the opportunity to set aside some of the hecticness of daily life and plan a special evening to celebrate their connection, passion and intimacy. Whether you’re an experienced kinkster or merely kink-curious, these special plans can often include some type of kinky fun. That’s where I can come in with the assist, it’s what I do after all, I help couples on their kink journey.

Champagne & strawberries, roses & candy hearts are all are Valentine’s Day traditions. But, for many of us kinksters, we like to play outside tradition and put a naughty twist on such things.

With that in mind, I searched my two favorite brick & mortar kink/fetish shoppes plus a UK independent toy maker, for some traditional Valentine’s Day goodies-with a kinky twist.

Champagne & Strawberries. Roses & Candy. I got ’em for ya.


Phreak is an independent Yorkshire, UK based creator that encourages everyone to explore their inner freak by offering variety of customizable platinum grade silicone insertibles, hence their company name, “PHallus” + “Freak” = Phreak. All of their toys are imagined, designed and hand-crafted by the Phreak team including the following bottle service.

Their champagne bottle comes in MANY variations.


Phreak knows how to woo a kinky Valentine! Their Strawberry butt plug can be custom created to your specifications, with or without cream.


Passionale Boutique is located on Philly’s infamous South Street. It’s a must-do when you’re in the region.

But, before you visit, be sure to check Passionale’s website for their ever-popular classes. Classes are often hands-on or interactive and some of the best kink educators in the region call Passionale Boutique home. Besides, what’s better than a 2-fer of class and kinky shopping?

For Valentine’s Day, Passionale offers a much sexier alternative to the traditional dozen roses – their Rose Flogger.


This hand crafted long-stemmed floral fetish toy  delivers all the love, all of the time! This truly is a fabulous work of art is also fully usable. 

  •  When used softly, the roses feel like a dozen beanbags lightly dropped to create a soft thuddy sensation.
  • Swing it harder and the intensity increases all the way to the point of feeling like a dozen miniature fists pelting the recipient’s skin and muscles.
  • The handle is a wider handle than most floggers with a diameter just over 1 inch. The “rose stems” are braided suede and are approximately 15″ long.
  • At the end of each stem is a rose, made of a softer suede formed into a gorgeous “rose bud” that extends approximately an inch and a half out from the stem.
  • A great gift for Valentines, Collaring ceremonies and Wedding registries
  • Special Request orders require 4-6 weeks fulfillment time unless rush fees are offered. 
  • Available Colors: Black, Red, Purple, Teal, Pink, Forest Green

A Rose By Any Other Name

With roses being the Valentine’s Day go-to, I have a second ‘Rose’ option for your kinky lover, Fetish Factory’s Rose Glass Anal Plug.

Bedazzle your/their booty with a blooming glass rose!

This dazzling flower butt plug is made with shatter-resistant borosilicate glass so you can play with confidence – each plug is extra hard and just the right amount of weight to satisfy your backdoor lust while adding a decorative flair for you and your partner.

This Rose Plug’s sturdy borosilicate glass makes it ideal for temperature play: chill it in the fridge or heat it in a bowl of warm water for a new layer of sensation in your behind. This Particular Rose Plug is Medium in size with a 2.6 insertable length and 1.3 inches at its widest, perfect for anal experts!

Fetish Factory’s Rose Glass But Plug

More Roses

As a companion piece to Passionale Boutique’s Rose Flogger, check out their very pretty Rose Ball Gag. It’s a patented rose-shaped design and has a hole which can be used for finger teasing and other surprise gestures. This feature provides an eternal feeling of obedience. Crafted with attention to detailed comfort and beauty. 

  • Material: luxury Italian leather straps, Dow-Corning silicone gag
  • Size Dimensions:
    Ball diameter: 1.57 inches
    Breathable hole diameter: 0.87 inches
    Rose flower diameter: 2.67 inches
    Over the head strap total length: 20.87 inches
    Adjustable strap length:  16.15 inches – 18.7 inches
    Over the head strap width: 0.51 inches
  • Available Color: Black Strap with Red Rose

Passionale Boutique Rose Ball Gag


Did someone say “butt stuff?” How about REALLY cute butt stuff? Let me direct your attention to Fetish Factory’s heart candy butt plug!

This cute heart shaped butt plug is the perfect gift for your lighthearted lover. Made from soft and flexible silicone with a safe heart shaped base. With its smooth satin finish, it has a buttery soft touch that becomes slick with lube. Made of 100% silicone, it’s hypoallergenic, nonporous, and boilable (for sanitary cleansing or temperature play).

Say what you really mean with words molded into the product, so they won’t wear off with time. It’s the best way to express yourself! The size of the anal plug also makes them perfect for anal beginners.

. . . . . . . .

Wishing you all a fun, warm, loving and kinky Valentine’s Day. I hope you enjoyed my very first blog post. I have LOTS to come from storytelling of my life & kink experiences, kink/fetish/BDSM educational content, interviews with kinksters & other sexy people, giveaways & free stuff and SO MUCH MORE. Please enter your email below to be immediately notified when new blog posts go up!

Warm Regards, Mistress Kye

3 Potent Listening Skills for Kinksters

Being communication-present with active listening builds stronger intimate connections.

We feel most connected with others when we’re listening more than talking.

As a kink educator, a common concern I hear from the kink community is feeling unheard or not thoroughly listened to.

It seems that with content thrust upon us at every turn, as a society we’ve built in a numbing-of-the-noise in our daily lives. Content even comes crashing into the most mundane of places. Just yesterday, I was pumping gas and a screen above the pump came on with a segment from The Tonight Show followed by 3 commercials. Who benefits from 3 commercials while pumping gas? Not you or I, that’s for sure. Just the opposite, it’s conditioning us to a listening numbness that probably affects our ability to listen even when we want to. Like when we want to get our kink on.

One of our fundamentals in the kink community is open communication. But, what’s open communication worth without active listening? We have to place as much importance on listening as we do on sharing. Listening to one another carefully is how we form a stronger intimate connection.

Becoming a better listener might seem simple but it’s often not so easy. Many folks struggle to be communication-present. Active listening takes effort, and oftentimes, some self-training. That’s where mindfulness comes in.

Here are 3 simple, yet powerful tips rooted in mindfulness that will help develop your listening skills and a better kink experience.

1. Be curious.

Sincere curiosity means that we are interested in learning and letting others engage & influence us. Curiosity leads to learning but because comprehension requires humility, we must be willing to be humble and acknowledge not knowing.

Admitting to not knowing can hit differently for some kinksters involved in power exchange play or dynamics/relationships.

For some Dominants, it’s oftentimes a struggle due to fears of looking weak for not being all-knowing. Especially to their submissive. For subs, they can fear looking unworthy of serving if they don’t ‘know’ and anticipate their all their Dominant’s needs.

Regardless of which side of the slash we fall, sincere curiosity is a root element to practicing mindful listening. It creates a safe space for others to feel at ease and communicate.

Listening to one another carefully is how we build a stronger intimate connections. This connection helps us build trust.

Mistress Kye

A part of sincere curiosity that can make active listening easier is by setting a genuine intention to understand the other person. What happens is that the more they see your curiosity & intention, the more inclined they’ll be to engage. Their engagement ultimately helps assist you with your active listening.

It can take time to get better at mindfulness, so try not to be too hard on yourself. Active listening overall is a practiced process. Sort of like a kink journey. It takes time, investment, nurturing and practice.

Here are some of the ways you can use mindfulness to help you practice sincere curiosity.

-Ask yourself what matters most to them in what they are sharing?

-What are some of the feelings you see underlying what they’re sharing about their kink interests?

-What sounds like their wants, needs and desires in what they’re expressing?

-Stay curious until you get a sincere sense that they feel they’ve been heard and understood.

An important part of this is checking in with yourself.

-How did it feel to practice genuine interest?

-What did you learn that you might not have known otherwise?

-How can what you learned help you in future active listening?

-How can what you learned help you to understand your kink journey together?

2. Letting others influence you

For some in the kink community, it may feel uncomfortable to hear that they should be influenced. For others, outside influence can be problematic.

Some Dominants can be especially objectionable to influence. But I like to remind them that influence isn’t a scary word so long as we’re talking about positive influence. If the goal is to move forward, whether it’s leading a scene or a dynamic/relationship, a good leader knows positive influence is necessary from all parties involved. Their input and influence is part of the overall well-being of your collective journey together.

Subs can often struggle with people-pleasing so the wrong kind of influence can be problematic. Being submissive doesn’t mean following blindly. It seems they sometimes forget they have agency. Using mindful active listening can help them decide WHO should be allowed to influence them, rather than just letting the urge to people-please make the decisions.

The best type of influence occurs when we recognize that we should listen in the way we wish to be listened to. It is a potent tool in developing greater intimacy through kink.

We feel most connected with others when we’re listening more than talking

Mistress Kye
3. Be quite. Be Patient.

It’s pretty impossible to be speaking AND listening at the same time. So, if you’ve set your intention to listen, do just that. One of the most powerful tools we can have as a kinkster is being patient.

A common struggle is wanting to chime in. Whether there’s a lull in the conversation or wanting to reply to what’s been said, being quite and patient takes practice. Mindfulness can help with that.

Here are 2 mindful things to consider in those circumstances:

  1. Lulls are often people gathering their thoughts. Give them time to ponder and find their feelings & words. When engaging in kinky communication we’re often accessing vulnerable places within ourselves. Give them a safe space to move at their own pace.
  2. We simply cannot absorb & comprehend if we’re distracted preparing our response. In order to be a better listener, focus on what’s being said to you. You may feel compelled to chime in when there’s a lull, but use that time to absorb what’s just been expressed to you. You’ll have your chance to respond soon enough.

Patience is something many struggle with but it can be achieved with practice. Start small by simply being mindful that you want to be a better listener

By applying any, or all, of these potent listening skills you’ll put the other person at ease. That alone can provide the ‘permission’ necessary to speak their peace or express their kinky wants, needs and desires. A greater flow of communication and connection will come from that, and you’ll be on your way to developing greater intimacy through kink.