Uncategorized – Kinkology

Small Things, BIG Impact: Connecting With Our Partner(s)

Adulting is tiring.

The duties and responsibilities of day-to-day functioning can put blinders on us that we never consented to.

At the end of the day, our head hits the pillow and we’ve forgotten to let our person(s) know how important they are. If you’re like me, you feel terrible, fade out, get up tomorrow and do it all over again.

Sound familiar?

I don’t like being guilty of this.

As the person who’s usually in charge of things and keeps the machine running, I often forget to let my people know how much they mean to me. I don’t want to do this and I would bet you don’t either.

Most of us WANT to make sure our partner knows we care and love them, but, life’s hustle-bustle can sidetrack our good intentions.

So, how do we correct this?

How do we make sure we’re letting our partner(s) know how important they are to us amidst all this hectic adulting?

Well, I’ve got some simple and EASY things to suggest because they’ve worked for me. Deep in my heart, I hope one, or more, work for you. I’m cheerleading you on this!

Some we’ve heard before. But, the reason for that is because they’re small, tried & true, evergreen gestures that pack a powerful punch.

They work.

Date nigHT

Every magazine, every ‘better intimacy’ advice graphic on socials, our therapists, our BFF’s, ev-ery-one, etc talks about date night.

There’s a reason for that.

Date night is a simple and easy way to say:

you’re important to me
our relationship deserves tending and nurturing
I enjoy your company
tuning-out and focusing on each other has value to me
you deserve my full attention and I desire yours

Seems easy and logical, right?

Yet, we often forget what a powerful impact a regularly scheduled date night can have.

I did.

And, I had to be reminded.

So, I’m reminding YOU! Right now. Right in this moment.

Let me ask you this:

What’s more powerful than letting our partner know you value them SO much, you’ve carved out special time to be present with THEM, and ONLY them?

A regularly scheduled date night is one of the most effective ways to express so very much to your partner without saying a word.

asking what thier intimacy needs are

What you need, and what turns YOU on is not necessarily what your partner needs.

Sometimes, we forget that.

Of course we all have shared pleasures with our partners that compliment our individual wants, needs and desires. But, our shared pleasures often fluctuate and get influenced as our individual interests grow.

That’s why it’s important to ask our partners what is turning them on CURRENTLY.

By asking you partner what’s got them hot right now, the conversation opens for you both to share what’s stirrin’ and how you can provide that for one another.

Knowing what to do to turn on and fulfill your partner is a superpower.

It creates deep(er) intimacy and connection.

LOVE NOTE OR THOUGHTFUL TEXT

Thoughtfulness often tends to fall to the wayside simply because we are over-burdened with the responsibilities of adulting.

It’s not that we’re not thoughtful, it’s just hard to pause and consider a thoughtful gesture when our brain is doing this:

“Ugh, I’m late! I need gas! Did I pay the electric bill? My boss is a jerkoff. Is it my turn to pick up the kids! Shit!…the dog needs food!” and so on and so on.

Most of us understand THAT type of noise in our head. Right?

This is the exact reason a small thoughtful gesture like a little love note or thoughtful text is SO powerful.

The recipient knows you paused among all the madness of adulting to let them know you were thinking about THEM. KaPow!

Thoughtfulness is sexy.

run an errand when it’s not your turn

Every dynamic or relationship has errands.

Whether you cohabitate, only spend weekends together, meet up frequently for play parties, etc, there are shared errands.

If you see your partner juggling too much, use that opportunity to pick up the slack for them. Don’t ask, just do.

ANTICIPATING. NEEDS. IS. SEXY. AF.

OUT OF THE NORM ACTIVITIES

Do activities together that you don’t normally do!

This specific advice, we don’t hear so often.

I didn’t.

But WOW, what an amazing impact it had for me and my partner!

Unfortunately, if we’re not careful, things can get stale in a relationship. By sharing out-of-the-norm activities together new energy gets injected into ourselves, our partner, and the relationship as a whole.

Challenging ourselves in ways that aren’t in our normal wheelhouse, WITH our partner, creates powerful bonding.

Alternate who chooses the out-of-the-norm activity, then, choose one together. Repeat.

Alternating allows you learn TONS about your partner and you get to see them experiencing something THEY enjoy. I mean, what’s more wonderful than witnessing your partner engaged, stimulated, challenged, happy and fulfilled?

When it’s time for the shared-interest activity, commit to picking something that’s a smidge outside BOTH your comfort zones. Wait til you see what happens when you’re both on the other side of THAT. Fire!

PARTNER LISTENING CHECK-IN’S

Sort of like date night, but for just for listening.

Scheduling listening-time is a powerful tool for creating better intimacy.

Here’s what that structured, active-listening date looks like:

Be sure to find a quiet, relaxing place you both enjoy.

One person (the sharer) has the floor.

The other person (the listener) focuses on purposeful, active listening.

When the sharer feels that they’ve been thoroughly heard, then open dialog occurs.

The listener should begin with what they *think* the sharer was saying and expressing. This gives the sharer an opportunity to: (1)verify they’ve effectively expressed their thoughts (2)feel they’ve been heard (3)correct and/or clarify for the listener, if necessary.

The conversation should continue until both parties are satisfied with the communication they’ve shared.

This particular activity gets easier with repetition. It gets easier to express ourselves when we see our partner receptive and engaged in active listening. And, it gets easier to actively listen with practice.

This. Is. Powerful.

LAUGH TOGETHER

Certain things universally bond humans together. Laughter is one of them.

Laughter releases endorphins, oxytocin and dopamine. Kinksters know the intimacy power of these. Separately, each of them hold ‘feel good’ impact in the brain. Laughter releases ALL of them together which creates a powerful experience within ourselves and the person laughing WITH us.

Who doesn’t want to escape into good feels and laughter with their partner(s)?

Laugh together, love together. It’s magical.

Please let me know YOUR small and easy tools for creating better connections with your partner(s). I’d love to know what’s worked in different dynamics and how you implemented it.

Be sure to connect with me on Twitter, IG, Fetlife & FaceBook

Warm Regards, Kye

How Dare You Call Me A Man Hater

(TW: Descriptions of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.)

Sometimes, a creator presents a piece where their truth, their layered vulnerability, their authenticity, and their sheer empowerment knocks on your soul.

I live for moments like that.

They feed oxygen into my existence and keep me feeling alive.

This writing by -Pocket- on FetLife was one of those moments for me. I suspect it will resonate with many of you on a visceral level as well.

How dare you call me a man hater.

I was busy loving men when I was 17.

He lied and cheated.

Rather than be accountable to his own shitty behavior, he taught me that my jealous insecurities were a character flaw that made me unlovable.

He taught me that having trust for men is a responsibility I hold, and an entitlement he held, regardless of his actions.

He taught me that good girls are not teases, because that is actually abusing men.

He taught me that the evaluation of my body should be through his eyes.

I learned that I was unlovable but that he would teach me how to be loveable. I learned to hate my body. I never had an orgasm from PIV but I faked them for his ego, and learned to think that sex without orgasm was just normal.

And still, I never stopped trying to love men.

I was busy loving men when I was 21.

I was serving my country in a foreign land.

My brothers in arms raped me.

I could not bring myself to hold them to account. Because I was a good girl, and a dedicated Marine, and I knew that destroying a man’s career was a crime against humanity.

I felt too much empathy for their situation to harm them.

They taught me that suffering was my fault because I was broken. They were right about one thing: I was now actually completely broken.

I was raped again.

I wanted to sever my soul from my body I fucking hated my flesh so much.

And still, I never stopped trying to love men.

I was busy loving men when I was 25.

He was an angry drunk just like me.

We loved and hated each other with complete abandon, second only to our love for booze. Completely insane now, I was surrounded by other lunatics.

He taught me that suffering together was better than suffering alone as he beat me to a pulp and abandoned me unconscious in a pool of my own blood.

He taught me that when I finally gathered the courage to fight back that I was also an abuser.

He taught me that we are all fucking lost and that we are all fucking unlovable, and the world is a cold and meaningless place. Love was a cruel illusion in this hellish landscape where I lived.

And still, I never stopped trying to love men.

I was busy loving men when I was 30.

Finally, now sober, starting to clear the wreckage.

Therapy. Fearless moral inventories. Amends. I learned to take responsibility for myself. I learned to get good at that because I realized my life depended on it. I was doing the damn work. I learned that I was signing up for a lot of bullshit from men because I would not raise my bar.

I became committed to fixing my picker and to being a person who I could love enough to make room for higher quality men to love me.

He came as a knight in shining armor. He was stable and normal and just a regular good guy. A little boring but a stable, family man. Then he consumed our life with massive debt because he needed his toys.

He taught me that if I tried to right the ship I was in, that I was a joy kill and a nag. He taught me I was a control freak when I made a case to curb the spending. He taught me to distrust the part of me that was trying to protect myself and build a sense of security in my world, because that was more comfortable for him than to admit he was bringing it down around us.

And still, I never stopped trying to love men.

I was busy loving men when I was 35.

I became a feminist.

I devoted myself to learning the social constructs that make men and women so that I could learn the secret code that was eluding me in my lifelong pursuit of loving men.

I became fascinated with intentional power exchange.

Finally we can be honest about what the fuck this love shit is. I submitted.

I felt freedom. I did my part.

He taught me the luxurious experience of loving through actual consensual pain and service. He taught me how to have purpose in that, and I did so love it.

He also taught me that no amount of giving on my part will obligate him to giving back when I had needs that interfered with his wants.

I learned that his compulsions for self destruction were actually needs, and my desire not to enable them was unrealistic and harmful to him. I learned to hold my tongue as self destruction ate him alive in front of my eyes, and powerlessness devoured my dreams. I learned that it was controlling behavior to try to help a man because I loved him and could see his demons so fucking clearly, having already conquered the same ones myself.

I learned to hate myself for seeing things clearly and mirroring them back relentlessly until abandonment was assured.

And still, I never stopped trying to love men.

I was busy loving men when I was 40.

Beautiful submissive men who taught me to feel embodied power for the first time in my life.

He taught me how to embrace the feeling of being in control with abandon in so many passionate moments.

He also taught me how his cock was still the only thing that really mattered.

He taught me how my value was still derived as an object of his desire. He taught me to love feeling my power, right up until I tried to call him to account for actual harms he was doing to me or himself.

Then he taught me that basic accountability for his words and deeds was too much to ask, my expectations were too high, that his inability to own his shit was still my fault.

I learned to beat myself up for wanting too much.

And still, I never stopped trying to love men.

I was busy loving men when I was 45.

I tried vanilla again.

Love is love I told myself.

I loved with abandon and believed forever fairy tales, again.

I tolerated subtle abuse because I had learned to have so much empathy for all the ways men are broken by toxic masculinity. I forgave with abandon. He isn’t perfect, I said. I am not perfect, for fuck’s sake I have PTSD so bad I can’t even leave the house some days, so I have to have empathy for his imperfections.

After all, I can see how his rage stems from his own experiences with trauma. He will love me for not abandoning him in his pain and showing him the way out: accountability, honesty, facing fear. Be patient, I told myself. He will grow.

He taught me that his abject terror of inadequacy, taught to him by his abusive father, was my responsibility to navigate carefully. He taught me that I should own all of my shit and most of his because he was simply unable to carry the burden of his trauma and face his shortcomings.

I was strong and wise enough to see it wasn’t really me this time. I had all the language and tools I needed, so he couldn’t possibly hurt me beyond my superhuman abilities to heal myself from abuse.

The gaslighting, the negging, all to save himself from basic accountability – they slid off me like water on a duck’s back because I was so fucking immune with self knowledge.

He lied to himself, he lied to me, he blamed me when I called him out on his delusions. He made me the bad guy because calling him out on his actual shit was equivalent to berating him, equivalent to abusing him. He would scream as he threw tantrums, destroyed property, and as he put the safety of me and my pets at risk.

Trying to teach him things I have learned in my healing journey from trauma was still somehow me disrespecting him.

He could not grow, because learning was literally too painful to his ego for him to bear. He taught me to have shame for knowing things he didn’t. He taught me that if I cannot love him from the little box he made for me so that his fragile ego could feel safe, then I am not lovable.

When he finally left for good one day, on the premise that I was somehow inexcusably abusive for very quietly complaining about something he promised to do but didn’t, he taught me that no amount of empathy for the inability of a cowardly mother fucker to own is his fucking shit is healthy or productive for him or for me.

He taught me to regret being so fucking empathetic.

And still, I have not stopped trying to love men.

I am 50 now.

Back on Fetlife, I am engaged in the search for men to love. I do this in the face of countless men on this site foisting responsibility for their shortcomings onto women day in and day out in forums, in status updates, in inboxes.

I do this in the face of being lectured on “not all men.”

I do this in the face of disgusting displays of violent threats when he is told he is not a good fit, usually because he has demonstrated he has no internal sense of accountability for the way he reduces women through his dick centric/toxic masculinity infected worldview in various ways.

When I tell him he is not empowering women with his attitude, words, or actions, he teaches me that he is a terrified coward who is unwilling to do the work to be a better human, and he will defend his right to be unfuckable and angry at women about it until the day he is dead.

Daily he teaches me that he is dangerous because his slavery to his fragile ego keeps him on edge and ready to lash out at any perceived threat.

And still, I have not stopped trying to find men worth loving, and even now have found a few showing up in my world.

Even now, I am still loving men.

And you dare to call me a man hater?

Fuck off.

I am a fucking Love Warrior.

I’m very honored that -Pocket- agreed to, and trusted me, with her writing and granted me caretakership of her beautiful piece here on my blog. I find it difficult to articulate the depths of which her trust means to me. Please follow her on FetLife at -Pocket- for more incredible, vulnerable and profound pieces from this extraordinary human.

Your Brain In SubSpace

by @MikeTheTherapist

Tamika rubbed her temples as she struggled to describe what had happened to her between our therapy appointments.

“I don’t know how to think about this. My Dom did everything we talked about. He started slow with the flogger, moved on to the cane. Maybe he was striking harder than usual, but I liked what he was doing.”

Then she hesitated.

“I expected all that, and I was feeling very relaxed. Then, he started to pour the low-temp wax on my back and shoulders.”

She didn’t say anything and I let her sit in silence.

“Then, nothing. The next thing I knew, he was face to face with me asking questions. He felt like 100 miles away from me. It took me a long time to figure out what he was saying. He was really worried about me. As we talked, he told me something had happened. It was like I was in another world. He couldn’t get me even to respond to anything he was saying. Mike, help me! What happened to me?”

I was fairly certain she had entered into a deeper level of Subspace than most people experience when doing kink. But it still sounded like Subspace.

She confirmed that as far as she knew, nothing had proved to be physically wrong with her. She did have Impact Play bruises in all the expected places. Her heartbeat was regular and so was her energy level.

If anything, she had more energy the next day or two after the scene
with her play partner.

For those unaware of the term, “Subspace” is where an individual perceives a loss of Self that some people experience in BDSM play. There are a lot of theories as to what Subspace actually is, and I won’t delve into that with this article.

I personally have come to believe that Subspace is an Altered State of Consciousness (ASC) and can be understood and described using some new language developed recently in the field of Psychology.

I am a clinical psychologist, specializing in trauma and sex therapy. I have also
practiced kink in my private life for many years. I approach this topic of Subspace with personal and professional interest points.

In this article, I want to explore three psychological aspects of Subspace:

 What happens chemically during Subspace
 What happens psychologically during Subspace
 How Subspace can help with our emotional well being

I am going to reference just a few of the many recent academic studies focused on Kink. Never has BDSM been studied so much by so many educated people. I believe this is because kink is now more popular with the general public than ever before.

A Danish study in 2017 reported that 70% of European adults had tried kink in the 2016 calendar year. Though the numbers may be smaller in the US, they are probably not that much smaller. Because people tend to under-report their sexual experiences even on anonymous surveys, we can safely assume that the majority of adults in America have tried some form of BDSM.

As a result, many academic studies are coming out from universities and research centers devoted to elements of kink.

I’m going to survey the results of several of these.

What Happens Chemically During Subspace

In brain research on human behavior, one chemical that scientists often look for is Cortisol. Typically, Cortisol is produced by the body when it is under stress. For a long time, neurobiologists assumed that was the only purpose of Cortisol.

But we now know it has other uses.

For instance, researchers at Northern Illinois University did a study where they had kinky people involved in a series of tests. These were all experienced Switches and were assigned the Top/Bottom roles randomly. They acted out various scenes and afterward were asked to describe how they felt.

Their blood was also drawn for study.

Regardless of what emotion they described, almost all had higher levels of Cortisol. Yet almost none of them reported any real stress. The same thing has been observed with people involved in extreme sports: High Cortisol and low stress.

It seems that consensual extreme activities—whether hang-gliding or ritual piercing—produce Cortisol and several other hormones associated with pleasure.

They also produce large amounts of adrenaline.

But researchers did notice a difference between tops and bottoms when they then gave them cognitive tests. The bottoms did more poorly the longer they were dominated.

The tops showed almost no difference, regardless of their Cortisol or Adrenaline levels.

So, what made the difference between the subs and the Doms?

The subs had one other chemical element: Endorphins.

The more pain their body experienced, the more their bodies produced Endorphins.

In a recent article in the “Journal of Positive Sexuality”, they discovered that something very interesting happens when you combine adrenaline, endorphins, and Cortisol.

The prefrontal cortex of the brain, the part responsible for a sense of Self, no longer works as well as it normally does. The article claims this is the chemical cause of Subspace.

But, of course, there is so much more to our minds than just the neurochemical
reactions.

What Happens Psychologically During Subspace

One of my favorite combinations when I sub is for my Domme and I to set up a mix of increasing amounts of impact play pain with humiliation. No one does that more effectively with me than my life partner.

Recently, she was doing a Florentine pattern with a flogger, and I could mentally tell she was hitting harder with more snap. Then, she used a couple of the words that often trigger shame in me and bring my deeper
emotions to the surface.

After a few minutes, I realized she wasn’t striking me anymore.

So, I came out of the scene with her and we talked. She could tell I wasn’t reacting any more to the impact and my muscles had gone slack. That’s when she decided to stop.

“Mike, where did you go?”

I had to press my mind for details.

They were blurry to me.

During this Subspace experience, I had flashed on a time when I was young and being tortured by a babysitter. I have done significant processing with that memory. I didn’t have any PTSD reactivity from the memory; only a sense that I was now in control of my adult life and I wasn’t that boy any more.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I wasn’t really “thinking” that much.

I was just “being.”

In psychology, we now refer to that state, where a person just exists and feels but doesn’t think, as “hypofrontality.” It is experienced in many places in life. But it is most often felt as people consensually enter situations where they allow their mind to become overloaded with sensory data.

Loud concerts with flashing lights, BDSM scenes, participating in contact sports, and even deep focused meditation will all produce this state.

In a well-known study, (Burmeister, 1997) masochists in controlled scenes were observed to lose a sense of their Self.

This is also known as Ego Depletion.

The author observes that “the physical and psychological arousal that BDSM participants derive from consensual painful or humiliating experiences in the context of a BDSM interaction can provide a temporary, beneficial escape from the stress and burdens associated with an individual’s daily life and identity.”

In other words, the pain and humiliation allow the bottom to stop thinking so much and just focus on sensations and arousal.

This is one type of hypofrontality.

The loss of Self also brings with it a loss of anxiety, a loss of stress, a loss of responsibility, and even identity.

Another author refers to this as “transient hypofrontality” because it doesn’t last. If it did last much longer than a scene, it could be uncomfortable. This might be the explanation of why some people also experience “sub drop” after a scene. They have experienced too much ego depletion and need to be brought back to Self.

Curiously, the loss of hypofrontality can also be experienced by Tops.

But it is much different. There is no real sense of ego depletion, but the top may get into the scene so much that they also cease from over-thinking the process. This resembles what a long- distance runner may experience during a long race.

The repetition of the movements causes the brain to stop using the pre-frontal cortex and just rely on learned body movements.

Several years ago, running expert and physiologist, Dr. Csikszentmihalyi, identified this in athletes AND dominants. He referred to it as “flow.”

Flow is the sense of being in the zone with a physical activity so much that you get carried along with it. But there is no loss of Self. The mind simply turns off the thought process and the concentrates on instinctual body movements.

This can happen dancing as well.

Interesting.

The bottom experiences loss of Self and the top experiences Flow.

And both can happen at the same time.

No wonder BDSM is attracting more and more people.

How Subspace Can Help Our Emotional Well-Being

Though Subspace is hardly a recognized therapeutic method in our world, I have no qualms saying that it may have healing power for some people. Not only have I seen its advantages to my own life, but I have also observed the power of kink in the lives of my clients and friends.

Here are 6 benefits I can see from Subspace and kink in general.

For those with childhood trauma, and who are constantly affected by the pain of
those events, the sub experience in Subspace can help alleviate the pain for a
period of time. It is like a reset of the Self. Once the Self is reset, the sub can
emerge from the scene feeling stronger and more aware.
If the domme and sub are aware of the nature of Subspace, the domme can
safely monitor how deeply the sub goes in. This is different than other activities
where the person entering hypofrontality is often doing it solo.
Because a sub has a safe word, they are in charge of the process from start to
finish. This potentially allows them to relax enough to enter Subspace more fully and find its benefits.
The simultaneous release of endorphins with adrenaline can often relieve chronic
physical pain experienced in areas of the body not impacted by Impact play.
Trusting a domme/top with your safe keeping while you enter Subspace will help to grow in the ability to trust. For those who have been abused earlier in life, theability to trust anyone for any length of time is helpful.
Subspace does not seem to bring anxiety with it. The break from the parts of our
psyche that carry anxiety is often all some people need to feel more in control.

Though not every person experience positive results from Subspace, it is worth noting that many people do. The brain can use the BDSM platform to meet its needs quite effectively.

Links for Deeper Information:
https://www.vocativ.com/news/262498/brain-loves-bdsm/index.html
https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2016-45384-001
https://journalofpositivesexuality.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/10.51681.1.332_No-
Pain-No-Gain-Therapeutic-and-Relational-Benefits-of-Subspace-in-BDSM-Pitagora.pdf

You can find the author on socials: Twitter @sacwriter & FetLife @CarefulDaddy

5 Kinky Games to Play at Home

Pandemic fatigue set in for many kinksters a LOOONG time ago. Especially those of us who used to attend community events like munches, socials and play parties on a fairly regular basis.

As life began the shift back to a more recognizable state, folks have been slow in returning to kink gatherings. Event holders I know tell me that they see a small uptick every few months or so. But, a lot of their kink community shares that they still feel the effects of the pandemic. And, simply don’t feel motivated to return to in-person events. The hosts tell me that they now work 2x as hard to increase new business because regulars aren’t returning so quickly.

I asked around about this phenomenon. Kinksters not coming out to play parties? That doesn’t sound right. Yet, the more I asked, the more I found it’s occurring everywhere.

Some of the reasons kinksters have cited for staying home from events include:

existing health concerns and catching the virus
social anxiety of being around lots of people again
avoiding the overstimulating atmosphere at events
inflation costs gobbling up money once used for event tickets

Although some folks are opting to stay in rather than attend kink gatherings, that doesn’t mean the shenanigans have have to pause. I mean, we ARE a creative & sensual bunch and there is kinky fun to be had right at home.

I’ve put together a list of 5 easy games for stay-at-home-kink’in!

1. Kinky Kama Sutra

Grab your hard copy of Kama Sutra, put your thumb on the edge of the pages and speed through them until your partner says “stop.’ Whatever page you land on you must act out that position. Naked, of course.

But, for a kinky twist, one of you must be blindfolded as the other directs your bodies into position with voice and touch. Once accomplished, grab the book and start again, alternating who wears the blindfold.

This engages on several aspect of kink. Power exchange, communication, sensory deprivation, anticipation, playfulness, fun and intimate touch.

2. Kinky Adventure

With many of us staying at home so much more than we did pre-pandemic, we’re reminiscing about the things we used to out & about. This game takes those happy memories and marries them into a fun and kinky game.

Public/semi-public sex is a common kinky fantasy. This game taps into that.

Individually, you and your partner each make a list of all the places you’d like to have sex outside your home. It can be as public as a park, or as covert as a friends garage. (*it should be noted that I’m obviously NOT suggesting that you have sex out in the open in front of everyone at the park because of consent surrounding other park go-ers)

The sky is the limit!

There are no wrong answers.

Then, plan to spend a few sexy evenings sharing each others lists. What usually happens is you’ll go from discussing fantasy ‘outings’ to actually planning one!

Intimate nights with your partner communicating your desires, sharing vulnerabilities and planning your adventure is an anticipation builder. Kinky play often involves igniting anticipation. Not only that, you’ll be participating the kink fundamental of negotiations.

Then, the bonus is having sex in all sorts of thrilling places where you just may get caught! Kinky public play, check!

3. Kinky ‘Would You Rather’

‘Would You Rather’ is often used as a party game to spark laughter or to playfully razz party go’ers with choosing between 2 uncomfortable options. But, sometimes, it ends up sparking players into genuinely deep conversation that creates bonding.

In ‘Kinky Would You Rather’ we’re shooting for all of that.

Spend time beforehand making a list of the ‘would you rather’ questions you’d like to ask you partner to help you discover their kinky wants, needs & desires. Here are some examples:

would they rather tease & denial orgasm play or forced orgasm?
would they rather be restrained by handcuffs or rope?
spanked or flogged?
send a nude text or receive?
would you rather me flirt with a stranger or try to entice a stranger to flirt with me?
would you rather be called “_______” or “_______” during sex?
would you rather have me wear your underwear or wear yours?

You get the idea. The list of possible questions is endless.

‘Kinky Would You Rather’ is quite similar to the ‘negotiation’ aspect of kink play. We often go through checklists like this when finding our play partners boundaries and limits. It helps us to understand our compatibilities and the things we’d like to try.

This game dials into that.

It’s a great game to play periodically as your kink journey opens new and different doors of interest.

4. Kinky Rough Sex Play

Many of us fantasize about a partner desiring us on such a carnal level, they lose themselves in passion. Who wouldn’t want to be desired so deeply that your partner tears your clothes away?

This little game allows you to dabble in rough passion play in a safe, consensual way.

Purchase some super cheap underwear and tank tops for both of you and go crazy tearing them away.

OR, take turns by dedicating a night to one partner being the “Dom” who does the tearing with the other being the “sub” getting their clothes torn away by desire. Then switch next time.

By alternating, this gives each of you the chance to play both sides of the D/s and explore which is more appealing to yourself, and your partner. I guarantee some terrific kinky conversations with come from this type of power exchange play.

5. Mutual Tease & Denial

Who doesn’t love to masturbate? Who doesn’t love to watch their partner maturate? This game takes that fun a step further by bringing a mutual masturbation sesh to the next level with tease and denial.

Begin by laying next to you partner completely naked. Part of the denial is not allowing your partner to touch you during this phase. Set your phone’s stopwatch to one minute intervals of masturbation time.

Upon the alarm, you must halt immediately. The time spent waiting while the stopwatch is re-set is part of the denial as well. The first to cum helps the other finish.

Win-win.

*What are some of your favorite kinky home games? Do you have any suggestions for enhancements to the games listed on this post? As always, I want to hear from you all.

Warm Regards, Kye

FetCon 2022: I Had A Blast!

Hello Kinksters, I’ve been trying to get to FetishCon for years. But, life has had different plans. So, I get to see and experience it vicariously through my many friends who attend, teach and present at this incredible show. I was slated to teach, then the pandemic derailed all our lives. This year was the show’s 20th anniversary and we’re fortunate that Princess Kira agreed to share her 3-day FetCon 2022 experience with us as a guest post on Kinkology Blog. Warm Regards, Mistress Kye

by Princess Kira

This year, the 20th annual FetishCon took place in beautiful and sunny St. Petersburg Florida at the Hilton Bayfront hotel August 11th-14th.

Being late summer it was dreadfully hot and humid, I was sweating the whole time. Luckily the convention allowed ladies to strip all the way down to panties and pasties, which I obliged to do!

On Thursday the eleventh I made my way to St. Pete to pick up my FetCon badge and pool pass. The hotel lobby was sectioned off with opaque black curtains, one reading “ENTRANCE” and one “EXIT.” The small space that was left upon entering the Hilton Bayfront consisted of several check in tables, a short roped off line, and some hotel seating.

The makeshift lobby was muggy and hot due to the automatic double doors opening and closing constantly, I was sweating not only due to the temperature but my eagerness to get into the event.

Despite the line being reasonably short it took a little over half an hour to receive my convention badge because all attendees must confirm their identity with photo ID and sign paperwork before being granted access to the event. Consent forms are required so that all FetishCon attendees understand they have the potential to be photographed and filmed while at the event.

Knowing that everyone there was verified via ID gave a feeling of safety and reassurance for me. Practicing safe procedures is very important to me when attending events like FetCon.

Once past the black curtains and inside the convention I was overwhelmed with the level of excitement and noise. People were mingling everywhere, some dressed casually in their street clothes while others donned their best fetish gear and lingerie. The Hilton Bayfront hotel lobby was abuzz with FetCon attendees, every lounge area and plush chair full. This was the opening night party.

A big celebration to kick off the convention ensued, with a cake cutting ceremony and complimentary champagne toast. I opted for a harder drink from the Dali Bar located inside the hotel lobby, sipping a Sprite with white rum as I reconnected and caught up with old friends.

One of the best parts of these events is being able to see online friends in person. I couldn’t party too hard the first night of the convention though—my hotel check in wasn’t until the next day on Friday and I was scheduled to make an appearance at the Clips4Sale booth.

On Friday it was time for me to meet my fans!

My heart was racing as I put on my lingerie and did my makeup.

Believe it or not I have social anxiety and it takes me a lot of courage to attend adult conventions. Overcoming my fears and connecting with my longtime fans and supporters is always worth it in the end, though.

There is something so special about making that face to face connection, about being able to embrace my fans in a hug and see them light up.

I even put my fears aside enough to get up on the Clips4Sale stage and do a short interview with iconic Dominatrix Jean Bardot!

After spending time with my fans, creating some new ones and mingling with other fetish models I headed back to my hotel to rest up before Friday night’s parties.

FetCon was absolutely packed with fun parties and events.

Every single night a different party was going on!

This was one of the reasons I opted to stay at a nearby hotel within walking distance rather than reserving a room at the host hotel. While staying at the Hilton Bayfront would have been convenient, staying at the host hotel with its late night parties, crowded quarters, and slow wifi didn’t sound ideal to me.

Before hitting the Friday night Pervy Pool Party I headed to the Dungeon After Dark, an on site dungeon space reserved for All Access Pass holders. I ended up visiting the dungeon space every single night of the convention. The dungeon came equipped with several different kinds of BDSM furniture from spanking benches, X-crosses, and Shibari suspension rigs.

Play areas were roped off to avoid anyone getting too close to your scene, sanitizing wipes were provided, and the space was staffed with kink friendly security.

Each night I got my ass spanked and paddled in front of a bunch of strangers!

It was incredibly exhilarating to get spanked in front of so many people. One of the best parts of attending an event like FetishCon are the one of a kind experiences you can have—like getting your ass beat in front of strangers! Swimming in the pervy pool in just my bikini bottoms and pasties was another unique experience—when else would you be allowed to swim in a Hilton hotel pool with no top on?!

These experiences are another reason I make it a point to attend these events.

After my spanking it was time to hit up the Pervy Pool Party, which also took place every single night of FetishCon!

It was a nonstop party and there was never a dull moment, even when the DJ showed up late. The sparkling Hilton Bayfront hotel pool was lit up and filled with Bad Dragon beach balls and adorable inflatables—balloon fetish, anyone?

By 10pm the celebration was in full swing and all kinds of people could be seen hanging around the pool—latex and latex couples, medical fetishists, Dom/sub pairs and more. Bad Dragon was even giving out free nipple pasties and light up sunglasses at the DJ booth!

I had felt so much anxiety throughout the day but finally it was melting away as I stepped into the clear blue pool topless.

Drinks flowed and so did the conversation as the night went on. I met so many fun new people and spent quality time with friends. Everyone I talked to was so kind, I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a friendlier and more welcoming group of people. It was refreshing to feel at ease, to feel like I was with my people.

Saturday was a day full of filming for me.

With adult conventions bringing together so many models in one place, it’s the perfect opportunity for talent to collaborate with one another. If you’re a member of the adult industry and interested in working with others, consider planning a trip to an adult convention near you!

Since I spent the whole day creating videos with others, I was unable to make it to FetishCon until after the expo rooms were shut down but I was still able to enjoy the Dungeon After Dark and the Pervy Pool Party since they took place each night of the convention.

Sunday—the closing day of FetishCon—I was back at the Clips4Sale stage to interact with my fans!

If you dream of meeting your favorite fetish performers, check to see if they’ll be attending FetCon 2023.

Once again I got up on stage, this time with my partner! We played out a scene with another Domme for all of the FetCon attendees to enjoy. Being invited to the Clips4Sale stage was intimidating for me because I have awful stage fright!

But it was an amazing opportunity for me to overcome this fear in an environment free of judgement.

After my appearance I grabbed all the free swag I could!

I recommend doing this as soon as you get to any convention and not at the very end like I did. Free items have limited quantities, so you aren’t guaranteed to bank any freebies unless you’re quick to claim them. Luckily I still made out pretty good.

Then it was onto the vendors!

Again, I recommend checking out the vendors first thing! You never know what one of a kind items may be for sale.

FetishCon was absolutely packed with quality fetish gear—handmade leather, latex, PVC, wooden and silicone toys, and more! Not only that, there were vendors offering many hard to find items such as sex swings and BDSM furniture. One vendor that I made a purchase from was an insanely adorable adult “Build-A-Bear” style booth. I made a stuffed llama and got a pink BDSM collar for her, too!

Sunday night the FetishCon Awards and after party were held.

The closing night of the event.

It was quieter than I had anticipated. Everyone must have been all partied out after three days of nonstop fun. I know I was! The con drop was already setting in, my sadness about having to leave creeping up.

Since I could tell the celebrations were coming to a close and enthusiasm was low due to everyone’s exhaustion I kissed FetishCon goodbye til next year, saying farewell to all of my new and old friends before starting back to my hotel to finish the fun on my own terms.

I looked through my phone’s photo gallery back in my room, my face lit up with the memories of the weekend. It was an amazing experience and I cannot wait to do it all again. It’s barely been a month since the event and I’m already dreaming about next year

Find Princess Kira at: PrincessKira

Kink Fashion For Curvy Dommes

One of my favorite things about kink being far more mainstream now than it was when I was a young kinkster is the kink/fetish/BDSM fashion.

Super Bowl 2015 Dominatrix Ad

We see it more and more in places like Fashion Week in NYC, Paris & Milan.

Kink fashion even made its way into a 2015 Super Bowl ad, for pistachios of all things!

By all accounts, it was the first of it’s kind to say “Dominatrix” in the ad let alone show one in action. I believe this mainstream ad may have been a catalyst that set designers & manufacturers on fire to emulate our scene-wear. Which, in turn, was the start of more kinky fashion choices for us.

Well, for some of us.

Although kink fashion had become more readily available, much of it had been designed for the stereotypical tall, thin, long-legged Dominatrix. It’s only in more recent years that we’ve seen a broader selection for all body types, especially ‘thick’ kinksters like me.

Case in point, back in 2015-ish, I pinned my hopes on an Amazon corset that indicated ‘plus’ sizes available. I’m very bottom-heavy and needed a corset that offered enough room to fit my upper booty curvature. Knowing the sizes were likely WAY off, I went with the largest size offered, figuring I could alter it down pretty easily. No surprise, it was too small. WAY too small.

In that moment, I knew plus sized, non-specialized fetish wear hadn’t quite made it to mainstream shopping just yet.

But, today? Today is a whole new world.

Manufacturers are finally catching on that making correct sizes for everyday women is profitable. It took my entire lifetime, but, it’s finally here. We can pick up our phones and have choices of kink fashion at our fingertips.

Which brings me to my downtime. It often consists of sitting with my mom for 45 minutes to make sure she takes all of her meds and doesn’t choke in the process. I’ve gotten into a rhythm where I use that time to scroll Amazon for plus-size kink fashion. I began posting my finds on my Twitter (@MistressKye) and IG (@MistressKye) but soon realized my feeds were getting overloaded with kink fashion posts.

So, it dawned on me to just start creating blog posts, each with a handful of fun, kink fashion items for curvy kinksters & Dommes like me.

This is the inaugural blog post in a series called ‘Kink Fashion For Curvy Dommes.’

I hope you enjoy the goodies I’ve found!

*It should be noted that the links to these items are for my Amazon Affiliates account. This affiliate account doesn’t really earn much. But, it helps offset expenses for a home I donate as a safe house for domestic violence victims.

Feax Leather Wrap Skorts

WHY I LIKE:

The overlap always hides that pesky lower abdominal region. For me, that area is my nemesis.

Second, the top part of the overlap is off-kilter leading the eye down and away from the abdominal while ALSO creating a trick-of-the-eye triangular effect which is always slimming.

V shape is a fashion staple to slim and flatter curvy types.

Lastly, skorts. Sometimes, in a mini skirt, I’m constantly worried about exposing my hoooch. Skorts are perfect, they look like a mini, but hide the goods.

Leather Look Zip-Up Corset

WHY I LIKE:

Zip front. Easy on and off. Period.

Corsets are struggle enough most of the time. Spend your energy on better things than struggling with a corset.

Second, it’s sleek. Visually, we humans like curves. Easy, smooth curves with no disruptions is an observers dream scenario. This corset accommodates that.

Faux leather. No animals were harmed.

Lastly, hourglass, hourglass, hourglass. We all desire it. Hourglass gives us the good feels. Every Domme should have a corset.

FAUX LEATHER LONG SKIRT W/ RUFFLES

WHY I LIKE:

We should always be celebrating our curves.

This does exactly that w/ 60% polyester, 40% spandex.

What I like even more is that it starts like a snuggly pencil skirt, but then moves into fun ruffles.

Speaking of the ruffles-they give good texture. They also keep it from being too pencil skirt-ish, which can optically over-inflate hips. If you’re already hippy, this skirt will balance you out.

Length. It can elongate. Sometimes, for me, a mini makes me look stubby.

The irregular hemline of angled ruffles creates drama which can be a great distraction AND a perfect accent of playfulness.

Pearls. What a nice pop of something different. Pretty, a little theatrical but not heavy and overpowering. Just the right amount of ‘extra.’

PLUS SIZED WET-LOOK LONG GLOVES

WHY I LIKE:

I’ve not seen too many plus size long gloves and I’m thrilled to have found these.

Not only are they aesthetically pleasing, complimentary and sending a subluminal message of higher station, they can make our arms look sleek, seductive and mysterious.

Many kinksters and fetishists LOVE wet-look. It’s a BDSM staple in kink fashion that even non-fetishists really enjoy.

Slapping lands differently with gloves. Especially wet-look gloves. The sound and feel enhances the ambiance of your scene.

Plus, what submissive doesn’t love to have their face clutched with a gloved hand?

PLUS SIZE STRAPPY THIGH HARNESS

WHY I LIKE:

Harnesses are almost always made for very thin folks. It’s just recently that I’m seeing many more options for more traditional body types.

Harnesses are becoming a favorable kinky fashion accessory. They can be worn on the skin as in this image, OR over stockings, latex, wet-look leggings, catsuits, etc.

They can also draw the eye to accentuate waste and lower body ‘assets.’ For bottom heavy gals like me, I sometimes like to show off my small waist and thunder thighs. Conversely, my BFF likes to use a thigh harness like this to add lower-body visual ‘weight’ to balance off her large boobies.

Wide Calf Boots

WHY I LIKE:

I love these boots for several reasons:

Elastic calf material fits perfectly to nearly every calf size
Elastic gives boots a fashionable 2 tone look
Sturdy 3″ heel. Keyword, STURDY
Buckles, Buckles, Buckles
Thick sole adds about 1/2″ height
They’re comfortable for long kink scenes, play parties, conventions
If you’re a thick thigh gal, this boot height adds a smidge of thickness to your lower legs creating one long smooth line downward – symmetry.

I hope you enjoyed the selection in this post. Much more to come!

Please subscribe to my blog to be notified of more posts in the ‘Kink Fashion for Curvy Dommes’ series.

Also, check out my Twitter for random kink musings, BDSM education, misc kinky fashion finds and SO much more.

Letter From A Narcissist

TW:

*In as much as I’m grateful to you for checking out my blog post, I never, ever want to cause anyone to be blindsided by something that will trigger distress. So please accept my trigger warning.

In my many decades in the kink scene and working as an advocate for intimate partner violence victims I’ve seen every form of narcissist. From covertly mild to violently abusive I’ve seen them all. Where you find the vulnerable, you find predators. And, narcissists are indeed predators.

This Letter From a Narcissist is a culmination of all of them. It’s something I sat down and wrote simply because I needed to get out of my body after seeing my dear friend broken from yet another narcissist. She’d gotten better at spotting them, but this one was incredibly cunning, manipulative and had developed highly covert skills.

In the end, the core pattern was the same.

Dear __________,

I have to warn you. Before we start, you should run.

Seriously, run.

Don’t think about it. Don’t look back. Just run. Forget you ever met me.

FUCKING. RUN!

I will break your heart. I will stomp all over it. I will obliterate you

And I’ll feel zero remorse.

It’ll go a little like this:

First, I’ll fall hard and fast for you. You will be my life’s breath. You’ll feel loved like nothing you’ve ever experienced. I will love you to the point of exhaustion. You’ll think all your dreams are coming true. I’ll make you love me. I’ll make your family love me. Your friends will love me. I’ll charm EVERYONE that’s important to you.

Then, I’ll give you hope. Hope for a perfect future. Hope for everything you’ve ever wished for. I’ll be the answer to all your dreams. I’ll paint milestones of beauty like a wedding, kids, life partnership, buying a house, and every meaningful event you desire. I will speak of a deeper connection, fulfillment, and all the lovely things you can imagine.

I will find out EXACTLY what your hopes & dreams are. Then, I’ll project them back to you that I’M the hearts & roses path to them. The ONLY path to them. And, you will see it. You will feel it. You will breath it. I’m THAT convincing.

Then, I’ll get bored.

YOU will bore me.

Suddenly and without warning I will get so very bored. You’ll begin to disgust me and you’ll pick up on this change. It will confuse you. You’ll feel pain. But, I don’t care. You bore me to my core. I’ll lose interest in everything about you. Your touch. Your words. Your life. I’ll pull away without explanation. Then, I wont think of you at all.

You’ll work so very hard to remind me of the good old days. Of our special love. But, it’ll be too late. I’ve already moved on. You don’t know it, but you DO NOT exist for me anymore. And, I don’t care that you don’t realize this.

You. Do. Not. Exist.

You’ll defend me to your family and friends. I’ll act like I’ve never met them.

You. Will. Exhaust. Yourself.

If you’re lucky, I won’t be the obsessive, stalker, violent abuser type. But you won’t know that until you’re in SO deep that life feels like a boot on your throat.

I will not stop until you HATE ME more than you ever loved me.

Listen to me, RUN.

But, you wont. You think you can fix me.

You’re wrong.

My Kinky Valentine

Valentine’s Day gives lovers the opportunity to set aside some of the hecticness of daily life and plan a special evening to celebrate their connection, passion and intimacy. Whether you’re an experienced kinkster or merely kink-curious, these special plans can often include some type of kinky fun. That’s where I can come in with the assist, it’s what I do after all, I help couples on their kink journey.

Champagne & strawberries, roses & candy hearts are all are Valentine’s Day traditions. But, for many of us kinksters, we like to play outside tradition and put a naughty twist on such things.

With that in mind, I searched my two favorite brick & mortar kink/fetish shoppes plus a UK independent toy maker, for some traditional Valentine’s Day goodies-with a kinky twist.

Champagne & Strawberries. Roses & Candy. I got ’em for ya.

CHAMPAGNE

Phreak is an independent Yorkshire, UK based creator that encourages everyone to explore their inner freak by offering variety of customizable platinum grade silicone insertibles, hence their company name, “PHallus” + “Freak” = Phreak. All of their toys are imagined, designed and hand-crafted by the Phreak team including the following bottle service.

Their champagne bottle comes in MANY variations.

STRAWBERRIES

Phreak knows how to woo a kinky Valentine! Their Strawberry butt plug can be custom created to your specifications, with or without cream.

ROSES

Passionale Boutique is located on Philly’s infamous South Street. It’s a must-do when you’re in the region.

But, before you visit, be sure to check Passionale’s website for their ever-popular classes. Classes are often hands-on or interactive and some of the best kink educators in the region call Passionale Boutique home. Besides, what’s better than a 2-fer of class and kinky shopping?

For Valentine’s Day, Passionale offers a much sexier alternative to the traditional dozen roses – their Rose Flogger.

GET 10% OFF WITH MY PERSONAL PROMO CODE: KYE-CODE

This hand crafted long-stemmed floral fetish toy delivers all the love, all of the time! This truly is a fabulous work of art is also fully usable.

When used softly, the roses feel like a dozen beanbags lightly dropped to create a soft thuddy sensation.
Swing it harder and the intensity increases all the way to the point of feeling like a dozen miniature fists pelting the recipient’s skin and muscles.
The handle is a wider handle than most floggers with a diameter just over 1 inch. The “rose stems” are braided suede and are approximately 15″ long.
At the end of each stem is a rose, made of a softer suede formed into a gorgeous “rose bud” that extends approximately an inch and a half out from the stem.
A great gift for Valentines, Collaring ceremonies and Wedding registries
Special Request orders require 4-6 weeks fulfillment time unless rush fees are offered.
Available Colors: Black, Red, Purple, Teal, Pink, Forest Green

A Rose By Any Other Name

With roses being the Valentine’s Day go-to, I have a second ‘Rose’ option for your kinky lover, Fetish Factory’s Rose Glass Anal Plug.

Bedazzle your/their booty with a blooming glass rose!

This dazzling flower butt plug is made with shatter-resistant borosilicate glass so you can play with confidence – each plug is extra hard and just the right amount of weight to satisfy your backdoor lust while adding a decorative flair for you and your partner.

This Rose Plug’s sturdy borosilicate glass makes it ideal for temperature play: chill it in the fridge or heat it in a bowl of warm water for a new layer of sensation in your behind. This Particular Rose Plug is Medium in size with a 2.6 insertable length and 1.3 inches at its widest, perfect for anal experts!

More Roses

As a companion piece to Passionale Boutique’s Rose Flogger, check out their very pretty Rose Ball Gag. It’s a patented rose-shaped design and has a hole which can be used for finger teasing and other surprise gestures. This feature provides an eternal feeling of obedience. Crafted with attention to detailed comfort and beauty.

Material: luxury Italian leather straps, Dow-Corning silicone gag
Size Dimensions:
Ball diameter: 1.57 inches
Breathable hole diameter: 0.87 inches
Rose flower diameter: 2.67 inches
Over the head strap total length: 20.87 inches
Adjustable strap length: 16.15 inches – 18.7 inches
Over the head strap width: 0.51 inches
Available Color: Black Strap with Red Rose

CANDY

Did someone say “butt stuff?” How about REALLY cute butt stuff? Let me direct your attention to Fetish Factory’s heart candy butt plug!

This cute heart shaped butt plug is the perfect gift for your lighthearted lover. Made from soft and flexible silicone with a safe heart shaped base. With its smooth satin finish, it has a buttery soft touch that becomes slick with lube. Made of 100% silicone, it’s hypoallergenic, nonporous, and boilable (for sanitary cleansing or temperature play).

Say what you really mean with words molded into the product, so they won’t wear off with time. It’s the best way to express yourself! The size of the anal plug also makes them perfect for anal beginners.

. . . . . . . .

Wishing you all a fun, warm, loving and kinky Valentine’s Day. I hope you enjoyed my very first blog post. I have LOTS to come from storytelling of my life & kink experiences, kink/fetish/BDSM educational content, interviews with kinksters & other sexy people, giveaways & free stuff and SO MUCH MORE. Please enter your email below to be immediately notified when new blog posts go up!

Warm Regards, Mistress Kye