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#Prince of Pegging

About 3 weeks ago or so, for 6-ish consecutive days, #Mistress was trending on Twitter with #pegging bringing up the rear (yes, the bad pun was intended).

6 DAYS!

Then again on Monday 8/22.

Except this time, I was trending WITH the hashtag!

Me! Moi! This old ho!

Second only to the Queen of Darkness, Elvira. I was so dumfounded, but honored just the same. Trending, with #Mistress. Holy shitballs!

So, what could possibly cause such a kerfuffle?

What could possibly start, and keep, #Mistress trending for days and DAYS? And then resurface to trend again?

Logic would tell you it’s likely because of someone like me – a kinkster, a FemDomme, Dominatrix, Mistress, etc.

Or, that somehow mainstream society was getting a giggle at #AnalAugust.

Nopety Nope!

Hold on to your tiara’s, folks.

The kerfuffle is regarding Prince William!

Yes, the Prince – and his fondness for pegging with his mistress. His mistress-mistress, not Dominatrix-Mistress. The future Kink, er King, of England has a penchant for pegging! No surprise there. Men in positions of power often CRAVE being in complete & utter submission – to shut off and let someone else call the shots. Not a surprise to me one, single, bit.

I say kudos to him. Rock on. Let the good times roll!

So, here’s the thing…pegging has always been popular. But, vanilla folks and mainstream overall have just begun to talk about pegging more openly in recent years. Us kinksters have been talking butt-stuff for as far back as I can remember, and I’m kinda old.

With this new-found royal notoriety, dudes are going to be asking for pegging, a lot, trust me on this.

So, I put together a few quick thoughts on some of the basics of safe pegging and anal play overall. Besides, #AnalAugust is almost over. I mean, what kind of kinkster would I be if I didn’t join the booty party?

But first, a great ‘thank you’ to HRH for trending #Mistress & #PrinceOfPegging and getting a collective conversation started.

I’ll take it from here ol’ boy.

CLEANING THE POOP SHOOT

At minimum:

1)be sure you’ve had a bowel movement that day

2)do a THOROUGH cleaning (lookin’ at YOU cis dudes who are beggin’ for peggin’).

This involves a very thorough wash of the anal area with soap and warm water about an hour prior. Then, before the big show, use unscented, hypoallergenic baby wipes. For most people, this method of cleaning is enough.

For those seeking a deeper clean, enema 1-2 hours before anal play. Be sure to only use a couple cups of WARM water because you’re only rinsing out the last 6-8 inches of the rectum. NOTE: If you use too much water, you can stimulate your digestive system and make things messier.

Check the water against your wrist. Too cold and you’ll cramp. Too hot and you’ll irritate the tissues.

USE A ‘CHUCK’ DURING ANAL

An easy way to help keep things clean is to put a ‘chuck'(disposable absorbent pad) down before you get started. The term ‘chuck’ comes from the medical field. They’re thin, easy to work with when moving patients and easy for clean-up because you just ‘chuck’ ’em in the trash.

I advise everyone who’s engaging in anal play to use them. It’ll stop your bedsheets from being stained and help collect any lube, body fluids, and fecal matter.

You don’t need to pay for the medical grade ‘chucks’ when puppy pee pads do the same job at a fraction of the price. I found the perfect size here.

USE GLOVES FOR FOREPLAY

I strongly urge using gloves for anal foreplay and prostate massage. It’s an efficient way to keep anal play clean for everyone. In addition, they’re smooth and protect the delicate tissue from any small rough spots on the fingers, nails and hands. Because of their smooth surface, they’re perfect for anal opening massage which stimulates erotic nerve endings and prepares the body for larger penetration.

Although you can easily get a box of gloves at Walmart or CVS, the blue and white gloves look more medical and sterile. Blah! Not sexy whatsoever – unless you’re specifically doing medical play.

I have a solution for that.

Black Tattoo artists gloves.

They’re thinner (4ml) and come in black, which is WAY hotter. These nitrile gloves work great, and you can use oil-based lubricants with them. There are various sizes to choose from to accommodate all hand sizes. Be sure that the glove is snug and smooth. If it’s too loose, or loose enough to have wrinkles, discard. Folds in the glove will irritate the anus.

PROSTATE MASSAGE

While you have the gloves on, let’s direct you to the P-Spot.

The prostate.

It is a small gland about the size of a walnut inside the anal canal. It’s part of the (male assigned at birth) reproductive system and is surrounded by nerve endings that, when massaged, can intensely amplify an orgasm.

The P-spot can be found 2-4 inches inside the anal canal. You’ll know you’ve found it when you feel the raised, walnut-sized gland. Using your index finger (or 2 fingers for experienced players) and do a “come hither” motion to rub the prostate. Start off gentle and then slowly apply more pressure as determined by your partners response. Due to so many nerve ending surrounding the P-spot, you simply need to gently rub in order to elicit all the good feels.

Prostate orgasms are thought to be more intense than just penile orgasms. Penile orgasms are associated with 4-8 pelvic contractions, while prostatic massage orgasms are associated with 12!

EASY DOES IT

Is this is your first time with anal play and not ready for any penetration?

You can get tremendous pleasure without actual penetration.

Anal foreplay is a great way to introduce yourself to stimulation and pleasure in this newly explored area. There are TONS of nerve endings around the anus that feel AMAZING with gentle stimulation like licking or massaging.

When you’re ready to proceed, remember to relax. If you’re tense, your sphincter will be as well. And, what should normally be incredibly pleasurable, will likely be painful. (Which it’s NOT supposed to be).

You can also try deep breathing with your partner to relax. That helps, a lot.

lube. Lube. LUBE. The anus does not self-lubricate. I recommend silicone-based lube for anal play because it’s smoother and lasts longer than water-based lube.

Newbie players should avoid numbing lubes. It’s important that you feel everything, good and bad, in order to have a successful, pleasurable and safe experience.

Tip: Have the receiver guide the penetration.

A great way to begin is with the tongue or fingers then introducing a small butt plug.

From there, build up to bigger butt plugs (purchase a butt plug kit ahead of time) and then try toys or penis.

Anal sex shouldn’t hurt.

Especially if you take your time.

The sensation might feel a bit foreign but pain is NOT supposed to be part of it. You should basically just feel like you might need to poop, coupled with pleasure. It’s goooooooood.

Go slow. Relax. Use plenty of lube and foreplay.

You’ll be well on your way to an incredibly pleasurable experience with your partner in no time!

SHIT HAPPENS!

So, it got a little messy. Don’t get freaked out.

Sure, it can be a bump in the road but it doesn’t have to be an all out calamity. The more calm and go-with-the-flow you are, the more your partner will feel same.

Stay calm, stay present and keep a positive mindset. Remember that even when you go into anal play well-prepared, it just happens. Even experienced players have had this occur at one time or another.

Sometimes, it merely means cleaning up. Or hopping in a quick shower. Or shifting to a different type of intimacy. For some, it means calling it a wrap and trying again another time. Just talk to your partner and discuss what’s best for both of you in that moment.

Keep calm, move forward, NBD.

In summary:
  1. Hygiene: Clean the Poop Shoot!
  2. Prepare your Play Space: Chuck a Chuck
  3. Gloves: Your Foreplay-Friendly Assistants
  4. P-Spot-Yes, Please!
  5. Take It Easy: lube. Lube. LUBE. Go slow!
  6. Ut Oh!: Shit Happens. Don’t sweat it.

I would love to hear your tips for anal play!

Be sure to check me out on Twitter, IG, and FetLife

Please note: The links to products in this blog post are affiliated with my Amazon Associates account that earn a very small amount to help support this blog:)

Featured

Kink Fashion For Curvy Dommes

One of my favorite things about kink being far more mainstream now than it was when I was a young kinkster is the kink/fetish/BDSM fashion.

Super Bowl 2015 Dominatrix Ad

We see it more and more in places like Fashion Week in NYC, Paris & Milan.

Kink fashion even made its way into a 2015 Super Bowl ad, for pistachios of all things!

By all accounts, it was the first of it’s kind to say “Dominatrix” in the ad let alone show one in action. I believe this mainstream ad may have been a catalyst that set designers & manufacturers on fire to emulate our scene-wear. Which, in turn, was the start of more kinky fashion choices for us.

Well, for some of us.

Although kink fashion had become more readily available, much of it had been designed for the stereotypical tall, thin, long-legged Dominatrix. It’s only in more recent years that we’ve seen a broader selection for all body types, especially ‘thick’ kinksters like me.

Case in point, back in 2015-ish, I pinned my hopes on an Amazon corset that indicated ‘plus’ sizes available. I’m very bottom-heavy and needed a corset that offered enough room to fit my upper booty curvature. Knowing the sizes were likely WAY off, I went with the largest size offered, figuring I could alter it down pretty easily. No surprise, it was too small. WAY too small.

In that moment, I knew plus sized, non-specialized fetish wear hadn’t quite made it to mainstream shopping just yet.

But, today? Today is a whole new world.

Manufacturers are finally catching on that making correct sizes for everyday women is profitable. It took my entire lifetime, but, it’s finally here. We can pick up our phones and have choices of kink fashion at our fingertips.

Which brings me to my downtime. It often consists of sitting with my mom for 45 minutes to make sure she takes all of her meds and doesn’t choke in the process. I’ve gotten into a rhythm where I use that time to scroll Amazon for plus-size kink fashion. I began posting my finds on my Twitter (@MistressKye) and IG (@MistressKye) but soon realized my feeds were getting overloaded with kink fashion posts.

So, it dawned on me to just start creating blog posts, each with a handful of fun, kink fashion items for curvy kinksters & Dommes like me.

This is the inaugural blog post in a series called ‘Kink Fashion For Curvy Dommes.’

I hope you enjoy the goodies I’ve found!

*It should be noted that the links to these items are for my Amazon Affiliates account. This affiliate account doesn’t really earn much. But, it helps offset expenses for a home I donate as a safe house for domestic violence victims.

Feax Leather Wrap Skorts

WHY I LIKE:

The overlap always hides that pesky lower abdominal region. For me, that area is my nemesis.


Second, the top part of the overlap is off-kilter leading the eye down and away from the abdominal while ALSO creating a trick-of-the-eye triangular effect which is always slimming.

V shape is a fashion staple to slim and flatter curvy types.

Lastly, skorts. Sometimes, in a mini skirt, I’m constantly worried about exposing my hoooch. Skorts are perfect, they look like a mini, but hide the goods.

Leather Look Zip-Up Corset

WHY I LIKE:

Zip front. Easy on and off. Period.

Corsets are struggle enough most of the time. Spend your energy on better things than struggling with a corset.

Second, it’s sleek. Visually, we humans like curves. Easy, smooth curves with no disruptions is an observers dream scenario. This corset accommodates that.

Faux leather. No animals were harmed.

Lastly, hourglass, hourglass, hourglass. We all desire it. Hourglass gives us the good feels. Every Domme should have a corset.

FAUX LEATHER LONG SKIRT W/ RUFFLES

WHY I LIKE:

We should always be celebrating our curves.

This does exactly that w/ 60% polyester, 40% spandex.

What I like even more is that it starts like a snuggly pencil skirt, but then moves into fun ruffles.

Speaking of the ruffles-they give good texture. They also keep it from being too pencil skirt-ish, which can optically over-inflate hips. If you’re already hippy, this skirt will balance you out.

Length. It can elongate. Sometimes, for me, a mini makes me look stubby.

The irregular hemline of angled ruffles creates drama which can be a great distraction AND a perfect accent of playfulness.

Pearls. What a nice pop of something different. Pretty, a little theatrical but not heavy and overpowering. Just the right amount of ‘extra.’

PLUS SIZED WET-LOOK LONG GLOVES

WHY I LIKE:

I’ve not seen too many plus size long gloves and I’m thrilled to have found these.

Not only are they aesthetically pleasing, complimentary and sending a subluminal message of higher station, they can make our arms look sleek, seductive and mysterious.

Many kinksters and fetishists LOVE wet-look. It’s a BDSM staple in kink fashion that even non-fetishists really enjoy.

Slapping lands differently with gloves. Especially wet-look gloves. The sound and feel enhances the ambiance of your scene.

Plus, what submissive doesn’t love to have their face clutched with a gloved hand?

PLUS SIZE STRAPPY THIGH HARNESS

WHY I LIKE:

Harnesses are almost always made for very thin folks. It’s just recently that I’m seeing many more options for more traditional body types.

Harnesses are becoming a favorable kinky fashion accessory. They can be worn on the skin as in this image, OR over stockings, latex, wet-look leggings, catsuits, etc.

They can also draw the eye to accentuate waste and lower body ‘assets.’ For bottom heavy gals like me, I sometimes like to show off my small waist and thunder thighs. Conversely, my BFF likes to use a thigh harness like this to add lower-body visual ‘weight’ to balance off her large boobies.

Wide Calf Boots

WHY I LIKE:

I love these boots for several reasons:

  • Elastic calf material fits perfectly to nearly every calf size
  • Elastic gives boots a fashionable 2 tone look
  • Sturdy 3″ heel. Keyword, STURDY
  • Buckles, Buckles, Buckles
  • Thick sole adds about 1/2″ height
  • They’re comfortable for long kink scenes, play parties, conventions
  • If you’re a thick thigh gal, this boot height adds a smidge of thickness to your lower legs creating one long smooth line downward – symmetry.

I hope you enjoyed the selection in this post. Much more to come!

Please subscribe to my blog to be notified of more posts in the ‘Kink Fashion for Curvy Dommes’ series.

Also, check out my Twitter for random kink musings, BDSM education, misc kinky fashion finds and SO much more.

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Polite & EASY Boundary Setters

In a recent blog post, I listed some easy consent-convo starters and received a terrific response. Folks wrote to say how helpful it was to have a list of sentences they could keep on-the-ready to help when the situation arose.

With that in mind, I put together a short list of polite boundary setters to help navigate protecting your energy and advocating for yourself in the moment.

Some are kink-applicable, but mostly, they are general day-to-day boundary setters that you can be comfortable issuing.

Please let me know how they work out.

I can’t do that but I can help you find someone who can.

Thanks for your concern, but, I can handle this.

I’m not comfortable discussing this with you.

I’m allowed to change my mind.

I appreciate the gesture, but in the future, I’d prefer ….

I can’t attend/participate but I appreciate the invitation.

Thank you, but I’m not interested.

I wish I could, but I can’t.

I can’t take on additional responsibilities right now.

I’m uncomfortable with what you just said/did.

I cant do ______, but I’m open to trying ________.

I don’t give you permission to do ______ to me.

I won’t be spoken to in that manner.

I don’t feel safe so I’m going to leave.

No, thank you.

No.

Featured

35 Easy Consent-Convo Starters

In the kink community kinksters rely upon open communication in order to provide a safe space. This helps us to access our vulnerabilities and get to know one another and build trust.

When trust happens, it leads to the consent required for all the kinky, intimate and fun things we like to do together.

But sometimes, in our eagerness to get to the big show or when we’re deep in our scene/intimacy, we can struggle to find the words needed to make sure we’re checking in with our partners and gaining their explicit consent.

I’ve put together a list that has helped me start and keep open communication flowing to make sure full consent is occurring. I hope you find these useful. Please share your suggestions and ideas in the replies, or tag me on Twitter @MistressKye so we can share your insights with others in the kink community.

Here are 35 EASY ways to get the consent conversation started:

How do you feel about ….. ?

Can we try something new?

Do you like that?

Do you want me to put on a condom?

Yes?

Should I slow down?

Now or later?

Are you ok?

What do you like?

Want more?

What excites you?

Is this ok?

Want to try something different?

Should I stop?

Like this?

Want to talk?

Do you enjoy this?

Want to cuddle?

Can I touch you here?

Do you want to have sex?

What do you want to do?

How does that feel?

Does that sound good?

Want to keep going?

Can I help you out of that?

Are you sure you want this?

What do you want right now?

How far do you want to go?

Can I touch you?

Do you want to try that with me?

How would you like me to do that?

Are you up for a quickie?

Can I take your hand?

Does that feel good?

Do I have your consent?

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Letter From A Narcissist

TW:

*In as much as I’m grateful to you for checking out my blog post, I never, ever want to cause anyone to be blindsided by something that will trigger distress. So please accept my trigger warning.

In my many decades in the kink scene and working as an advocate for intimate partner violence victims I’ve seen every form of narcissist. From covertly mild to violently abusive I’ve seen them all. Where you find the vulnerable, you find predators. And, narcissists are indeed predators.

This Letter From a Narcissist is a culmination of all of them. It’s something I sat down and wrote simply because I needed to get out of my body after seeing my dear friend broken from yet another narcissist. She’d gotten better at spotting them, but this one was incredibly cunning, manipulative and had developed highly covert skills.

In the end, the core pattern was the same.

Dear __________,

I have to warn you. Before we start, you should run.

Seriously, run.

Don’t think about it. Don’t look back. Just run. Forget you ever met me.

FUCKING. RUN!

I will break your heart. I will stomp all over it. I will obliterate you

And I’ll feel zero remorse.

It’ll go a little like this:

First, I’ll fall hard and fast for you. You will be my life’s breath. You’ll feel loved like nothing you’ve ever experienced. I will love you to the point of exhaustion. You’ll think all your dreams are coming true. I’ll make you love me. I’ll make your family love me. Your friends will love me. I’ll charm EVERYONE that’s important to you.

Then, I’ll give you hope. Hope for a perfect future. Hope for everything you’ve ever wished for. I’ll be the answer to all your dreams. I’ll paint milestones of beauty like a wedding, kids, life partnership, buying a house, and every meaningful event you desire. I will speak of a deeper connection, fulfillment, and all the lovely things you can imagine.

I will find out EXACTLY what your hopes & dreams are. Then, I’ll project them back to you that I’M the hearts & roses path to them. The ONLY path to them. And, you will see it. You will feel it. You will breath it. I’m THAT convincing.

Then, I’ll get bored.

YOU will bore me.

Suddenly and without warning I will get so very bored. You’ll begin to disgust me and you’ll pick up on this change. It will confuse you. You’ll feel pain. But, I don’t care. You bore me to my core. I’ll lose interest in everything about you. Your touch. Your words. Your life. I’ll pull away without explanation. Then, I wont think of you at all.

You’ll work so very hard to remind me of the good old days. Of our special love. But, it’ll be too late. I’ve already moved on. You don’t know it, but you DO NOT exist for me anymore. And, I don’t care that you don’t realize this.

You. Do. Not. Exist.

You’ll defend me to your family and friends. I’ll act like I’ve never met them.

You. Will. Exhaust. Yourself.

If you’re lucky, I won’t be the obsessive, stalker, violent abuser type. But you won’t know that until you’re in SO deep that life feels like a boot on your throat.

I will not stop until you HATE ME more than you ever loved me.

Listen to me, RUN.

But, you wont. You think you can fix me.

You’re wrong.

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DUNGEON ETIQUETTE 101

Dungeon/Play party etiquette can vary from event to event, venue to venue. The dungeon you were at last weekend may have had a very rigid code of conduct. One you’re interested in attending next month may appear to operate on a free-for-all basis. Even your favorite event host may have changing party protocols based solely upon the venue they secure.

This can be confusing, and even frustrating, at times. I get it. As a many-decades kinkster, I’ve seen dungeon etiquette run the gambit.

So, how do I combat the confusion? For every event I plan to attend, even if I’ve been there before, I proactively seek the rules. And, I do it BEFORE purchasing my ticket. With little effort you can locate them. Dungeons usually have club rules clearly listed on their website. On FetLife, they’re almost always posted within the event page description. If you have trouble finding them, reach out to the host directly. Just don’t wait until the day of the event when everyone’s setting up and too busy to answer PM’s and emails.

Although party-specific rules can vary, there are commonly accepted universal rules in the kink community.

For the purposes of this blog post we’re calling them ‘dungeon etiquette.’ But, these are consideration/thoughtfulness/respect-based codes of conduct that are long-standing and established for dungeon/play parties.

.

Do NOT Touch

Seems simple and sounds like common sense, right? Three little words. Yet, it’s one of the biggest problems at many kink events. Dungeons have even taken to posting signage that reads “NO TOUCHING WITHOUT EXPLICIT CONSENT.” The BDSM/kink community is built on a foundation of trust through open communication and explicit consent which leads to the trust we require to access vulnerable places within us. Consent being the paramount component.

But, sometimes people feel like they are in grey areas. Or, for a myriad of reasons, they just aren’t sure how be behave situationally. I understand. The best advice I can give is to never, ever touch without explicit, expressed consent.

What often happens at play parties is we get caught up in all the excitement and dopamine & endorphins start pumping through us. Everyone has been there. But, it’s important to remind ourselves that just because we are in a sexually charged environment, that NEVER means it’s ok to touch someone without their EXPLICIT expressed consent. Regardless of what’s occurring around us.

Over the years, I’ve been asked questions from folks who felt situationally confused, had the best of intentions, but felt they were in a grey area and didn’t want to proceed poorly. Here’s small sample of a few of those questions them:

“What if I did a scene with them at a previous event last week?

NO. The consent you were granted does not go beyond the the scene your shared together last week. It isn’t a blanket consent.

“They said once they’d like to play/do a scene with me someday.”

NO. That’s just a previous expression of interest. It’s not a current green light to touch them.

“We’ve been messaging and planned to meet up here at this event.”

NO. This is NEVER a guarantee of intimacy or kink play. You’re simply meeting up at the event. People use public events (even play parties) as an opportunity to safely get to know others in the community. This is a common vetting practice. Just because you discussed your compatible kinks, or even flirted a bit prior, it’s not ever permission to touch them in-person without explicit consent.

It’s also important to note that just because someone accepted a gesture from you in the past, like a hug, it’s not standing permission to do same. I always ask if I can hug them even when I know it’s ok. This because my actions as a fellow kinkster can set an example for others and we’re all responsible for the betterment of our community.

Advice: A consent violation is not worth the risk. Not only does it mean getting booted from the event, a ‘consent violator’ often gets blacklisted in their local kink community. Once labeled as such, there’s not really any coming back from that.

Hands Off Someone’s Toys

Toy collections are often personal. They’ve been used for intimate connections and can carry fond memories. Often, past or current partners may have gifted them. To some folks, they may just seem like objects-du-fun, but to many collection owners, they’re very personal. In the same way you wouldn’t just hop on a strangers motorcycle or use someone’s eyeshadow palette without asking, the same applies for kink toys.

BUT, if you’re like me, and you see something really sexy or interesting, you want to know more!

The good thing is kinksters DO love to chat about their collection. If you want to handle someone’s implements (toys, I’m talking about toys ya pervs), all you have to do is engage the owner. I like openers similar to “mind if I check out your paddle/flogger?” or “this is really cool, is it ok if I pick it up?” or “can I see what it feels like to hold/swing this?” Asking if it’s hand made or who made it is also a great opener. You’ll likely get a favorable response because you were respectful. Plus, a new kink friendship was is often made.

Btw, keep timing in mind. If they’re laying toys out, it’s probable that they’re headed into a scene. Is their play partner already positioned? Do they seem in a zone? Its best to suss that out before engaging them. Approach them once they’ve re-emerged from aftercare.

Did you know that the laying out of toys is often a ritualistic PART of the scene? It’s a psychological tool in our arsenal that we Dominants/Tops wield to build delicious, seductive anticipation. BONUS: An added benefit to asking first is that others will see/witness you as respectful. Respect garners you trust. Trust and respect are currency in the kink community!

Respect Everyone’s Bubble

Whether it’s their personal bubble or an scene bubble, steer clear.

A Personal Bubble is the space that surrounds someone’s body. That space belongs to them. Every society has a standard bubble and in the US it’s 18″. We’ve all had that uncomfortable feeling when someone is standing too close, that’s the intrusion of your personal bubble. At kink events, try to be very mindful of everyone’s personal bubble. Body language violations are powerful silent assigns that can garner someone a ‘creepy vibe’ reputation.

A Scene Bubble is the space surrounding where someone is engaged in play or a “scene.” Respecting a scene bubble is incredibly important for several of reasons.

First, you never interrupt a scene (this is discussed below in Never Interrupt An Active Scene). Walking or standing too close to an active scene is intrusive, distracting and disrespectful to those engaged in it. We all love to watch a good scene, who doesn’t? But, that must happen from a respectful distance. A good rule of thumb is to imagine a bubble around the scene, then, make the bubble a third larger. That’s your guideline.

The second reason to respect a scene bubble is safety. From personal experience folks have gotten whacked by my floggers’ backswing by walking too close. I’ve seen people walk into active paddles. Once, a Top’s wrist got sprained and the person walking into them got a black eye because there were beelining it to watch another scene-but not paying attention to the one right in front of them.

Reminder: A personal bubble is approximately 2′. For scenes, imagine a bubble around the play area, then, make it 1/3 bigger. That’s your boundary.

Use Your DM’s. What’s A DM?

Most every event you’ll attend where kink play is engaged has dungeon monitors (DM’s). They’re there to keep everyone safe via security, answering questions and assisting party go’ers. They generally know the answers to any questions you have and if they don’t, they know where to get ’em. DM’s also wrap folks up when they’ve gone over allotted equipment or room limits. They oversee active public scenes to ensure a sub/bottom is ok or that the Top/Dom/me is respecting limits & boundaries. They can assist with equipment issues as well.

Generally, they’re in place to attend to everyone best interest. Like kinky guardian angels.

Sex and Nudity. Ask Ahead.

As discussed above, kink events/play parties are highly varied. So is the Sex/Nudity rule. In many locations in the US, events cannot legally have alcohol AND nudity/sex. Some parties offer BYOB. Some don’t. Some allow BYOB & nudity but no penetration. CFNM are power exchange-centered where subs are required to be nude but they’re there to serve, not to engage in kinky sex. Rope events can be nude or clothed, partner sex or just rope share. There are many, MANY variables.

If this is important to you for an event you’re considering, check the promo materials, event page or website. It’s often outlined there. If not, contact the event holder directly. I’d especially contact them about the issue surrounding alcohol and sex because there are actual local laws and ordinances regarding this. Brick and mortar locations are usually up to date on the specifics of local laws & ordinances since they hold the all the legal liability. Locations have been shut down altogether for violating these local ordinances.

It’s best to check every event thoroughly.

Advice: Do you due diligence. Never go into a kink event assuming nudity, sex or alcohol are an option.

Never Interrupt An Active Scene

As touched upon in the ‘Bubble’ section, avoiding an active scene is required for good etiquette. In fact, it’s highly frowned upon.

When players choose to engage publicly and share their scene with us, it’s a gift, not an invitation to engage WITH them. If they scene publicly it’s usually because they feel safe and comfortable. Isn’t that what we all seek in the kink community – to have a safe and comfortable place to be ourselves? Avoid fracturing their scene, because ultimately, it can fracture their feeling of safety.

So, unless you’ve been clearly invited, and engaged in negotiations ahead of time, stand down. I’d go so far as to say that even if a Top invites you mid-scene, decline. Why? You have no way of knowing if the bottom/sub consented to THAT in negotiations. And, they certainly can’t consent mid-scene when they’re likely high on mind-altering things like endorphins and dopamine, right?

Scene interruption also includes being mindful of your voice level when in close proximity. Especially in smaller play spaces.

Remember: Whatever the reason they chose to play in front of everyone, it’s never, EVER an invitation to interrupt, comment, offer suggestions, flirt, joke around, step into, touch etc.

Clean Up After Yourself

This seems like a no-brainer. But, clean up falls through the cracks more often than people realize. If you’ve been part of a dungeon crew or play party event staff, you understand this all too well.

It’s not that folks are running around being ignorant and thoughtless. Not at all. What happens is that everyone is zombie’d out after a scene and clean up falls through the cracks. Or, aftercare occurs and everyone is coming down from endorphins, adrenaline & dopamine and are sorta stupefied.

But, part of the social contract of being permitted to scene at someone’s event is post-scene clean up. At some events it goes further than a social contract and it’s part of the rules listed in the paperwork you signed upon entry. This is especially so at brick and mortar dungeons. If they’re kind enough to purchase & provide the clean up products, try to be mindful to use them.

Also, imagine if the people before you didn’t clean up. Would you want to be rubbing around in their stray sweat, saliva or other bodily fluids? I always recommend using the sanitizing supplies and wipes prior to and after your scene.

Note: Nobody wants to be disrespectful to others. Try to be mindful that clean up is part of your overall scene. It can be a shared task further bonding the two of you post-scene. Or, for the service subs, clean up extends your scene further.

Confidentiality

Confidentially is up there with consent. It’s a kink/BDSM fundamental that’s rooted all the way back to when we kinksters were forced to play deeply underground.

What happens at parties, stays at parties. Just like Vegas.

Some confidentiality guidelines to consider:

  1. Sometimes you run into someone from your vanilla life AT a kink event. It happens. Sometimes it’s awkward, sometimes it’s not. Regardless, it’s best to refrain from talking to them about outside-world, vanilla stuff. Why? Many people leave their ‘real-world’ identities at the door and are there to indulge in their kink persona. Just like you, they’re there to escape into and enjoy kinky aspects of themselves. Nothing kills a kinky buzz like real-world talk.
  2. Regarding that same vanilla friend just mentioned. When you do see them again in your vanilla lives, remember that kink talk isn’t comfortable for most folks. They’re often scared of being accidentally ‘outted’ or someone overhearing your conversation. Suss that out, a lot. Maybe you’ll chat kink, maybe you wont. But, never lead with thinking it’s ok.
  3. Since many people can’t be ‘out’ about being kinky we need to protect one another. If you see or meet someone at a ANY kink event and run into them publicly its best to proceed as if they’re a stranger. Even if they’re alone. Plus, you don’t know what their comfort level is about that part of their life. The next time you see each other at a kink event, you’ll have something to chat about AND you’ll both likely make a new kink friend.

We all make a social pact in the kink community to look out for one another’s best interest. Be a good community member.

My own personal, bonkers, experience with this: I was at a public, vanilla event with my horses. From across a large crowd I hear “Mistress Kye, Mistress Kye!” I was up on my horse and clearly a center of attention in the crowd. Plus, there were tons of kids around me and my horse. I made eye contact and smiled to silently acknowledge them and then continued with the crowd. I figured they’d take the hint. Surprisingly, they didn’t. They proceeded calling out “Mistress Kye!” from across the crowd as they made their way towards me. Because of this, I had to move my horse away from the kids while being as nonchalant as I could. I even looked back to give “shut up” eyeballs as I walked off-and they were STILL calling out. I went to our horsey break area for privacy. There I told them to STFU to hell and back. Normally, I would never be so hostile. Normally, I’d just ignore them and address it the next time I saw them. Most people would take the hint at the start. BUT, they made such an inappropriate spectacle that it forced me to exit a paid gig in order to shut them down. I was a little upset at their sheer thoughtlessness. Sure, I’m openly out as a kinkster, but that type of spectacle is never ok in a vanilla setting. At an adult convention, YES, call me out across the crowd, let’s do a selfie, lets chat! A vanilla event, NO screaming “Mistress Kye!” in front of kids.

Intoxicating Substances

For the most part, event hosts do NOT want anyone playing under the influence. That’s because legal responsibility falls upon them. There are a plethora of legal issues, criminal and civil, that event hosts/dungeon owners face if they allow intoxicated play to occur and something goes wrong. But most importantly, it’s simply not safe for you, who you’re playing with, or the host of the event.

Does this mean that ALL events don’t allow alcohol or other substances? No. It happens. As mentioned in the ‘Sex and Nudity’ section above, all events vary. But, I can attest that after decades in the kink scene, most of the worst instances/disasters I know of have occurred with folks under the influence. I’ve seen hospital visits, broken bones, damaged kidneys and more. Even under the best circumstances, what we do can get risky and things go wrong. Why amplify the odds of something bad happening?

Most dungeons and event hosts are NOT willing to incur the risks surrounding the legal ramifications of intoxicated players. And, if you have a reputation for playing high or drunk, they’ll blacklist you from their events to protect themselves and their community.

Honorariums. Scene Names. Pronouns.

It’s simple. How someone chooses to be addressed is how you address them. Period.

Honorariums

You know me as Mistress Kye. I’ve chosen that. Yet, I’ve experienced (by mostly cis men) being called “Goddess” in place of “Mistress.” I don’t care for this whatsoever and I’ll tell you why. I CHOSE “Mistress” and I’m well within reason to expect to be called by something I chose for myself, rather than what someone else prefers to call me. All kink protocols aside, it’s just rude as fuck to address others by what YOU prefer, than what they call themselves. It’s like someone introducing their friend “James” and someone immediate saying “Nice to meet you, Jimmy.”

It has nothing to do with our kink community protocols and everything to do with human-to-human respect.

Scene Names

Let’s say you know someone’s ‘real’ name or government name because you’re friendly outside the kink community. Although you have that familiarity, it’s best to address them by their chosen scene name when involved in any kink community events. Unless otherwise directed by that person. The person you see at events is often their alter persona. Let them indulge in that part of themselves.

Pronouns

I know this should go without saying, but, just ask. Period. It’s easy. “What are your preferred pronouns?”

Advice: Just ask how someone wants to be addressed.

*Please accept my invitation to share your insights, experiences, suggestions, etc. regarding dungeon and play party etiquette, rules & protocols. I know there’s SO much more you can to add to this conversation and I’d love to hear from you in the replies so we can share a discussion together.

Also, feel free to share on your socials so we can bring more folks into our conversation.

If you want to be notified when my next post goes up, enter your email below🙂

Warm Regards, Kye

Featured

3 Potent Listening Skills for Kinksters

Being communication-present with active listening builds stronger intimate connections.

We feel most connected with others when we’re listening more than talking.

As a kink educator, a common concern I hear from the kink community is feeling unheard or not thoroughly listened to.

It seems that with content thrust upon us at every turn, as a society we’ve built in a numbing-of-the-noise in our daily lives. Content even comes crashing into the most mundane of places. Just yesterday, I was pumping gas and a screen above the pump came on with a segment from The Tonight Show followed by 3 commercials. Who benefits from 3 commercials while pumping gas? Not you or I, that’s for sure. Just the opposite, it’s conditioning us to a listening numbness that probably affects our ability to listen even when we want to. Like when we want to get our kink on.

One of our fundamentals in the kink community is open communication. But, what’s open communication worth without active listening? We have to place as much importance on listening as we do on sharing. Listening to one another carefully is how we form a stronger intimate connection.

Becoming a better listener might seem simple but it’s often not so easy. Many folks struggle to be communication-present. Active listening takes effort, and oftentimes, some self-training. That’s where mindfulness comes in.

Here are 3 simple, yet powerful tips rooted in mindfulness that will help develop your listening skills and a better kink experience.

1. Be curious.

Sincere curiosity means that we are interested in learning and letting others engage & influence us. Curiosity leads to learning but because comprehension requires humility, we must be willing to be humble and acknowledge not knowing.

Admitting to not knowing can hit differently for some kinksters involved in power exchange play or dynamics/relationships.

For some Dominants, it’s oftentimes a struggle due to fears of looking weak for not being all-knowing. Especially to their submissive. For subs, they can fear looking unworthy of serving if they don’t ‘know’ and anticipate their all their Dominant’s needs.

Regardless of which side of the slash we fall, sincere curiosity is a root element to practicing mindful listening. It creates a safe space for others to feel at ease and communicate.

Listening to one another carefully is how we build a stronger intimate connections. This connection helps us build trust.

Mistress Kye

A part of sincere curiosity that can make active listening easier is by setting a genuine intention to understand the other person. What happens is that the more they see your curiosity & intention, the more inclined they’ll be to engage. Their engagement ultimately helps assist you with your active listening.

It can take time to get better at mindfulness, so try not to be too hard on yourself. Active listening overall is a practiced process. Sort of like a kink journey. It takes time, investment, nurturing and practice.

Here are some of the ways you can use mindfulness to help you practice sincere curiosity.

-Ask yourself what matters most to them in what they are sharing?

-What are some of the feelings you see underlying what they’re sharing about their kink interests?

-What sounds like their wants, needs and desires in what they’re expressing?

-Stay curious until you get a sincere sense that they feel they’ve been heard and understood.

An important part of this is checking in with yourself.

-How did it feel to practice genuine interest?

-What did you learn that you might not have known otherwise?

-How can what you learned help you in future active listening?

-How can what you learned help you to understand your kink journey together?

2. Letting others influence you

For some in the kink community, it may feel uncomfortable to hear that they should be influenced. For others, outside influence can be problematic.

Some Dominants can be especially objectionable to influence. But I like to remind them that influence isn’t a scary word so long as we’re talking about positive influence. If the goal is to move forward, whether it’s leading a scene or a dynamic/relationship, a good leader knows positive influence is necessary from all parties involved. Their input and influence is part of the overall well-being of your collective journey together.

Subs can often struggle with people-pleasing so the wrong kind of influence can be problematic. Being submissive doesn’t mean following blindly. It seems they sometimes forget they have agency. Using mindful active listening can help them decide WHO should be allowed to influence them, rather than just letting the urge to people-please make the decisions.

The best type of influence occurs when we recognize that we should listen in the way we wish to be listened to. It is a potent tool in developing greater intimacy through kink.

We feel most connected with others when we’re listening more than talking

Mistress Kye
3. Be quite. Be Patient.

It’s pretty impossible to be speaking AND listening at the same time. So, if you’ve set your intention to listen, do just that. One of the most powerful tools we can have as a kinkster is being patient.

A common struggle is wanting to chime in. Whether there’s a lull in the conversation or wanting to reply to what’s been said, being quite and patient takes practice. Mindfulness can help with that.

Here are 2 mindful things to consider in those circumstances:

  1. Lulls are often people gathering their thoughts. Give them time to ponder and find their feelings & words. When engaging in kinky communication we’re often accessing vulnerable places within ourselves. Give them a safe space to move at their own pace.
  2. We simply cannot absorb & comprehend if we’re distracted preparing our response. In order to be a better listener, focus on what’s being said to you. You may feel compelled to chime in when there’s a lull, but use that time to absorb what’s just been expressed to you. You’ll have your chance to respond soon enough.

Patience is something many struggle with but it can be achieved with practice. Start small by simply being mindful that you want to be a better listener

By applying any, or all, of these potent listening skills you’ll put the other person at ease. That alone can provide the ‘permission’ necessary to speak their peace or express their kinky wants, needs and desires. A greater flow of communication and connection will come from that, and you’ll be on your way to developing greater intimacy through kink.

My Kinky Valentine

Valentine’s Day gives lovers the opportunity to set aside some of the hecticness of daily life and plan a special evening to celebrate their connection, passion and intimacy. Whether you’re an experienced kinkster or merely kink-curious, these special plans can often include some type of kinky fun. That’s where I can come in with the assist, it’s what I do after all, I help couples on their kink journey.

Champagne & strawberries, roses & candy hearts are all are Valentine’s Day traditions. But, for many of us kinksters, we like to play outside tradition and put a naughty twist on such things.

With that in mind, I searched my two favorite brick & mortar kink/fetish shoppes plus a UK independent toy maker, for some traditional Valentine’s Day goodies-with a kinky twist.

Champagne & Strawberries. Roses & Candy. I got ’em for ya.

CHAMPAGNE

Phreak is an independent Yorkshire, UK based creator that encourages everyone to explore their inner freak by offering variety of customizable platinum grade silicone insertibles, hence their company name, “PHallus” + “Freak” = Phreak. All of their toys are imagined, designed and hand-crafted by the Phreak team including the following bottle service.

Their champagne bottle comes in MANY variations.

STRAWBERRIES

Phreak knows how to woo a kinky Valentine! Their Strawberry butt plug can be custom created to your specifications, with or without cream.

ROSES

Passionale Boutique is located on Philly’s infamous South Street. It’s a must-do when you’re in the region.

But, before you visit, be sure to check Passionale’s website for their ever-popular classes. Classes are often hands-on or interactive and some of the best kink educators in the region call Passionale Boutique home. Besides, what’s better than a 2-fer of class and kinky shopping?

For Valentine’s Day, Passionale offers a much sexier alternative to the traditional dozen roses – their Rose Flogger.

GET 10% OFF WITH MY PERSONAL PROMO CODE: KYE-CODE

This hand crafted long-stemmed floral fetish toy  delivers all the love, all of the time! This truly is a fabulous work of art is also fully usable. 

  •  When used softly, the roses feel like a dozen beanbags lightly dropped to create a soft thuddy sensation.
  • Swing it harder and the intensity increases all the way to the point of feeling like a dozen miniature fists pelting the recipient’s skin and muscles.
  • The handle is a wider handle than most floggers with a diameter just over 1 inch. The “rose stems” are braided suede and are approximately 15″ long.
  • At the end of each stem is a rose, made of a softer suede formed into a gorgeous “rose bud” that extends approximately an inch and a half out from the stem.
  • A great gift for Valentines, Collaring ceremonies and Wedding registries
  • Special Request orders require 4-6 weeks fulfillment time unless rush fees are offered. 
  • Available Colors: Black, Red, Purple, Teal, Pink, Forest Green

A Rose By Any Other Name

With roses being the Valentine’s Day go-to, I have a second ‘Rose’ option for your kinky lover, Fetish Factory’s Rose Glass Anal Plug.

Bedazzle your/their booty with a blooming glass rose!

This dazzling flower butt plug is made with shatter-resistant borosilicate glass so you can play with confidence – each plug is extra hard and just the right amount of weight to satisfy your backdoor lust while adding a decorative flair for you and your partner.

This Rose Plug’s sturdy borosilicate glass makes it ideal for temperature play: chill it in the fridge or heat it in a bowl of warm water for a new layer of sensation in your behind. This Particular Rose Plug is Medium in size with a 2.6 insertable length and 1.3 inches at its widest, perfect for anal experts!

Fetish Factory’s Rose Glass But Plug

More Roses

As a companion piece to Passionale Boutique’s Rose Flogger, check out their very pretty Rose Ball Gag. It’s a patented rose-shaped design and has a hole which can be used for finger teasing and other surprise gestures. This feature provides an eternal feeling of obedience. Crafted with attention to detailed comfort and beauty. 

  • Material: luxury Italian leather straps, Dow-Corning silicone gag
  • Size Dimensions:
    Ball diameter: 1.57 inches
    Breathable hole diameter: 0.87 inches
    Rose flower diameter: 2.67 inches
    Over the head strap total length: 20.87 inches
    Adjustable strap length:  16.15 inches – 18.7 inches
    Over the head strap width: 0.51 inches
  • Available Color: Black Strap with Red Rose

Passionale Boutique Rose Ball Gag

CANDY

Did someone say “butt stuff?” How about REALLY cute butt stuff? Let me direct your attention to Fetish Factory’s heart candy butt plug!

This cute heart shaped butt plug is the perfect gift for your lighthearted lover. Made from soft and flexible silicone with a safe heart shaped base. With its smooth satin finish, it has a buttery soft touch that becomes slick with lube. Made of 100% silicone, it’s hypoallergenic, nonporous, and boilable (for sanitary cleansing or temperature play).

Say what you really mean with words molded into the product, so they won’t wear off with time. It’s the best way to express yourself! The size of the anal plug also makes them perfect for anal beginners.

. . . . . . . .

Wishing you all a fun, warm, loving and kinky Valentine’s Day. I hope you enjoyed my very first blog post. I have LOTS to come from storytelling of my life & kink experiences, kink/fetish/BDSM educational content, interviews with kinksters & other sexy people, giveaways & free stuff and SO MUCH MORE. Please enter your email below to be immediately notified when new blog posts go up!

Warm Regards, Mistress Kye