The duties and responsibilities of day-to-day functioning can put blinders on us that we never consented to.
At the end of the day, our head hits the pillow and we’ve forgotten to let our person(s) know how important they are. If you’re like me, you feel terrible, fade out, get up tomorrow and do it all over again.
Sound familiar?
I don’t like being guilty of this.
As the person who’s usually in charge of things and keeps the machine running, I often forget to let my people know how much they mean to me. I don’t want to do this and I would bet you don’t either.
Most of us WANT to make sure our partner knows we care and love them, but, life’s hustle-bustle can sidetrack our good intentions.
So, how do we correct this?
How do we make sure we’re letting our partner(s) know how important they are to us amidst all this hectic adulting?
Well, I’ve got some simple and EASY things to suggest because they’ve worked for me. Deep in my heart, I hope one, or more, work for you. I’m cheerleading you on this!
Some we’ve heard before. But, the reason for that is because they’re small, tried & true, evergreen gestures that pack a powerful punch.
They work.
Date nigHT
Every magazine, every ‘better intimacy’ advice graphic on socials, our therapists, our BFF’s, ev-ery-one, etc talks about date night.
There’s a reason for that.
Date night is a simple and easy way to say:
you’re important to me
our relationship deserves tending and nurturing
I enjoy your company
tuning-out and focusing on each other has value to me
you deserve my full attention and I desire yours
Seems easy and logical, right?
Yet, we often forget what a powerful impact a regularly scheduled date night can have.
I did.
And, I had to be reminded.
So, I’m reminding YOU! Right now. Right in this moment.
Let me ask you this:
What’s more powerful than letting our partner know you value them SO much, you’ve carved out special time to be present with THEM, and ONLY them?
A regularly scheduled date night is one of the most effective ways to express so very much to your partner without saying a word.
asking what thier intimacy needs are
What you need, and what turns YOU on is not necessarily what your partner needs.
Sometimes, we forget that.
Of course we all have shared pleasures with our partners that compliment our individual wants, needs and desires. But, our shared pleasures often fluctuate and get influenced as our individual interests grow.
That’s why it’s important to ask our partners what is turning them on CURRENTLY.
By asking you partner what’s got them hot right now, the conversation opens for you both to share what’s stirrin’ and how you can provide that for one another.
Knowing what to do to turn on and fulfill your partner is a superpower.
It creates deep(er) intimacy and connection.
LOVE NOTE OR THOUGHTFUL TEXT
Thoughtfulness often tends to fall to the wayside simply because we are over-burdened with the responsibilities of adulting.
It’s not that we’re not thoughtful, it’s just hard to pause and consider a thoughtful gesture when our brain is doing this:
“Ugh, I’m late! I need gas! Did I pay the electric bill? My boss is a jerkoff. Is it my turn to pick up the kids! Shit!…the dog needs food!” and so on and so on.
Most of us understand THAT type of noise in our head. Right?
This is the exact reason a small thoughtful gesture like a little love note or thoughtful text is SO powerful.
The recipient knows you paused among all the madness of adulting to let them know you were thinking about THEM. KaPow!
Thoughtfulnessis sexy.
run an errand when it’s not your turn
Every dynamic or relationship has errands.
Whether you cohabitate, only spend weekends together, meet up frequently for play parties, etc, there are shared errands.
If you see your partner juggling too much, use that opportunity to pick up the slack for them. Don’t ask, just do.
ANTICIPATING. NEEDS. IS. SEXY. AF.
OUT OF THE NORM ACTIVITIES
Do activities together that you don’t normally do!
This specific advice, we don’t hear so often.
I didn’t.
But WOW, what an amazing impact it had for me and my partner!
Unfortunately, if we’re not careful, things can get stale in a relationship. By sharing out-of-the-norm activities together new energy gets injected into ourselves, our partner, and the relationship as a whole.
Challenging ourselves in ways that aren’t in our normal wheelhouse, WITH our partner, creates powerful bonding.
Alternate who chooses the out-of-the-norm activity, then, choose one together. Repeat.
Alternating allows you learn TONS about your partner and you get to see them experiencing something THEY enjoy. I mean, what’s more wonderful than witnessing your partner engaged, stimulated, challenged, happy and fulfilled?
When it’s time for the shared-interest activity, commit to picking something that’s a smidge outside BOTH your comfort zones. Wait til you see what happens when you’re both on the other side of THAT. Fire!
PARTNER LISTENING CHECK-IN’S
Sort of like date night, but for just for listening.
Scheduling listening-time is a powerful tool for creating better intimacy.
Here’s what that structured, active-listening date looks like:
Be sure to find a quiet, relaxing place you both enjoy.
One person (the sharer) has the floor.
The other person (the listener) focuses on purposeful, active listening.
When the sharer feels that they’ve been thoroughly heard, then open dialog occurs.
The listener should begin with what they *think* the sharer was saying and expressing. This gives the sharer an opportunity to: (1)verify they’ve effectively expressed their thoughts (2)feel they’ve been heard (3)correct and/or clarify for the listener, if necessary.
The conversation should continue until both parties are satisfied with the communication they’ve shared.
This particular activity gets easier with repetition. It gets easier to express ourselves when we see our partner receptive and engaged in active listening. And, it gets easier to actively listen with practice.
This. Is. Powerful.
LAUGH TOGETHER
Certain things universally bond humans together. Laughter is one of them.
Laughter releases endorphins, oxytocin and dopamine. Kinksters know the intimacy power of these. Separately, each of them hold ‘feel good’ impact in the brain. Laughter releases ALL of them together which creates a powerful experience within ourselves and the person laughing WITH us.
Who doesn’t want to escape into good feels and laughter with their partner(s)?
Laugh together, love together.It’s magical.
Please let me know YOUR small and easy tools for creating better connections with your partner(s). I’d love to know what’s worked in different dynamics and how you implemented it.
I believe it’s important to help build the kind of kink community that we want to have, and I believe our actions on social media can help support that.
For instance, I greatly appreciate communal efforts to raise the visibility of BIPOC kinksters and kink educators, as well as increasing visibility of diverse bodies and genders in rope.
However, there’s another aspect of these signal-boosting actions that I encourage folks to consider.
Recently my local community was notified that a top raped someone the first time they played together (I’m using that term because that’s how both the top and the bottom describe what happened).
This happens to be a top who posts a lot of photos of their scenes and has a significant following on kinky social media. Photos of pre-consent-violation moments of that scene remain on the top’s Instagram.
There’s no way to know, from looking at the photos, that a traumatic consent violation happened later that day. There’s no way to know, simply from looking at any kinky photo, anything about a top’s behavior or the circumstances surrounding the creation of their images.
This is a much more widespread issue than this one recent, local incident, as I’ve learned from hearing first-hand accounts and reading incident reports in bottoms’ groups:
bottoms injured because they said they needed to be untied but the top insisted on keeping them tied up to get a few more shots
pressuring bottoms to ignore their own boundaries for the sake of a photo concept
traumatic consent violations during or after photoshoots
taking or posting photos without the bottom’s consent
Some people who take pretty rope photos are predatory.
Some people who take pretty rope photos have left a trail of emotionally and/or physically injured bottoms in their wake. Many of these people are helped by the popularity of their photos in attracting new bottoms.
Many of these people use their photos to distract new bottoms from concerns that may emerge from a vetting process, focusing on the bottom’s desire for pretty photos of their own, while downplaying their concerns about risks.
Sometimes these people even use their photos to establish a foothold in a new community, after being banned from their old community.
There are also a lot of perfectly respectful, responsible people who take pretty rope photos.
I see two issues here.
First, people who are newer or less connected to their local kink community (or any kink community) who ‘like’ a lot of a dangerous person’s photos may be approached by that person to bottom, because they are seen as an “easy target” who doesn’t know the dangerous person’s reputation beyond photos.
Secondly, people who are more well-connected may be inadvertently complicit in giving dangerous people more visibility by following them and liking their photos.
Much like ethical clothing consumption, I care about the wellbeing of the people involved in the creation of the art I consume. I also care about the ripple effects of what I choose to consume, as I acknowledge that I’m one of those more-well-connected people.
I suggest that folks with similar concerns do their research on where these images come from, and the conditions under which they’re created.
You can use some of the same strategies that you’d use for vetting a new play partner:
Ask longtime community members if there’s anything problematic that you should be aware of, regarding a popular rope photographer you want to follow, especially ones who live in the same area or have attended the same events.
Ask event organizers who are local to a rope photographer about their in-person behavior.
Check their local kink community’s Discord (if one exists) for incident reports or local contacts who may be able to answer your questions about them.
Check the databases of things like NCSF or the Rope Bottoms Google Group (if you identify as a bottom) for their social media handles.
The good thing about the high visibility of these people is that frequently you don’t need to dig too deeply to find out who has a problematic track record and who’s generally respected in-person.
That said, there are also dangerous people who have a habit of intimidating anyone who accuses them of bad behavior, so make sure to consult multiple sources and do so in private conversations (no public posts in groups).
If we truly want to build a safer kink community, this is something everyone can do to contribute to those efforts. I acknowledge that I have the privilege of consulting a wide network of friends in multiple kink local and regional communities when vetting someone, and not everyone has easy access to that same level of information.
But figuring out which vetting strategies work for you is a valuable process for all kinksters, so perhaps this is an opportunity to practice and learn how to vet people before your own in-person safety is on the line.
And, even if your only interactions are online, at least consider taking a moment to do your part by making sure you’re informed and not signal-boosting a dangerous person.
About the Author:
AbundantMischief is a toppy switch, gleeful sadomasochist, and enthusiastic boot fetishist. She has over 14 years of experience as a member of the kink community, as well as over 2 decades of experience as a professional dancer, circus artist, and performing arts educator. She has been an informal mentor to kinksters over the years across a wide variety of interests, and has taught both online and in person for a variety of kink organizations across the US, including TES, Dark Odyssey, TESFest, Tethered Together, House of Kush, House of SCK, and Black Rose.Find them on FetLife HERE
(TW: Descriptions of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.)
Sometimes, a creator presents a piece where their truth, their layered vulnerability, their authenticity, and their sheer empowerment knocks on your soul.
I live for moments like that.
They feed oxygen into my existence and keep me feeling alive.
This writing by -Pocket- on FetLife was one of those moments for me. I suspect it will resonate with many of you on a visceral level as well.
How dare you call me a man hater.
I was busy loving men when I was 17.
He lied and cheated.
Rather than be accountable to his own shitty behavior, he taught me that my jealous insecurities were a character flaw that made me unlovable.
He taught me that having trust for men is a responsibility I hold, and an entitlement he held, regardless of his actions.
He taught me that good girls are not teases, because that is actually abusing men.
He taught me that the evaluation of my body should be through his eyes.
I learned that I was unlovable but that he would teach me how to be loveable. I learned to hate my body. I never had an orgasm from PIV but I faked them for his ego, and learned to think that sex without orgasm was just normal.
And still, I never stopped trying to love men.
I was busy loving men when I was 21.
I was serving my country in a foreign land.
My brothers in arms raped me.
I could not bring myself to hold them to account. Because I was a good girl, and a dedicated Marine, and I knew that destroying a man’s career was a crime against humanity.
I felt too much empathy for their situation to harm them.
They taught me that suffering was my fault because I was broken. They were right about one thing: I was now actually completely broken.
I was raped again.
I wanted to sever my soul from my body I fucking hated my flesh so much.
And still, I never stopped trying to love men.
I was busy loving men when I was 25.
He was an angry drunk just like me.
We loved and hated each other with complete abandon, second only to our love for booze. Completely insane now, I was surrounded by other lunatics.
He taught me that suffering together was better than suffering alone as he beat me to a pulp and abandoned me unconscious in a pool of my own blood.
He taught me that when I finally gathered the courage to fight back that I was also an abuser.
He taught me that we are all fucking lost and that we are all fucking unlovable, and the world is a cold and meaningless place. Love was a cruel illusion in this hellish landscape where I lived.
And still, I never stopped trying to love men.
I was busy loving men when I was 30.
Finally, now sober, starting to clear the wreckage.
Therapy. Fearless moral inventories. Amends. I learned to take responsibility for myself. I learned to get good at that because I realized my life depended on it. I was doing the damn work. I learned that I was signing up for a lot of bullshit from men because I would not raise my bar.
I became committed to fixing my picker and to being a person who I could love enough to make room for higher quality men to love me.
He came as a knight in shining armor. He was stable and normal and just a regular good guy. A little boring but a stable, family man. Then he consumed our life with massive debt because he needed his toys.
He taught me that if I tried to right the ship I was in, that I was a joy kill and a nag. He taught me I was a control freak when I made a case to curb the spending. He taught me to distrust the part of me that was trying to protect myself and build a sense of security in my world, because that was more comfortable for him than to admit he was bringing it down around us.
And still, I never stopped trying to love men.
I was busy loving men when I was 35.
I became a feminist.
I devoted myself to learning the social constructs that make men and women so that I could learn the secret code that was eluding me in my lifelong pursuit of loving men.
I became fascinated with intentional power exchange.
Finally we can be honest about what the fuck this love shit is. I submitted.
I felt freedom. I did my part.
He taught me the luxurious experience of loving through actual consensual pain and service. He taught me how to have purpose in that, and I did so love it.
He also taught me that no amount of giving on my part will obligate him to giving back when I had needs that interfered with his wants.
I learned that his compulsions for self destruction were actually needs, and my desire not to enable them was unrealistic and harmful to him. I learned to hold my tongue as self destruction ate him alive in front of my eyes, and powerlessness devoured my dreams. I learned that it was controlling behavior to try to help a man because I loved him and could see his demons so fucking clearly, having already conquered the same ones myself.
I learned to hate myself for seeing things clearly and mirroring them back relentlessly until abandonment was assured.
And still, I never stopped trying to love men.
I was busy loving men when I was 40.
Beautiful submissive men who taught me to feel embodied power for the first time in my life.
He taught me how to embrace the feeling of being in control with abandon in so many passionate moments.
He also taught me how his cock was still the only thing that really mattered.
He taught me how my value was still derived as an object of his desire. He taught me to love feeling my power, right up until I tried to call him to account for actual harms he was doing to me or himself.
Then he taught me that basic accountability for his words and deeds was too much to ask, my expectations were too high, that his inability to own his shit was still my fault.
I learned to beat myself up for wanting too much.
And still, I never stopped trying to love men.
I was busy loving men when I was 45.
I tried vanilla again.
Love is love I told myself.
I loved with abandon and believed forever fairy tales, again.
I tolerated subtle abuse because I had learned to have so much empathy for all the ways men are broken by toxic masculinity. I forgave with abandon. He isn’t perfect, I said. I am not perfect, for fuck’s sake I have PTSD so bad I can’t even leave the house some days, so I have to have empathy for his imperfections.
After all, I can see how his rage stems from his own experiences with trauma. He will love me for not abandoning him in his pain and showing him the way out: accountability, honesty, facing fear. Be patient, I told myself. He will grow.
He taught me that his abject terror of inadequacy, taught to him by his abusive father, was my responsibility to navigate carefully. He taught me that I should own all of my shit and most of his because he was simply unable to carry the burden of his trauma and face his shortcomings.
I was strong and wise enough to see it wasn’t really me this time. I had all the language and tools I needed, so he couldn’t possibly hurt me beyond my superhuman abilities to heal myself from abuse.
The gaslighting, the negging, all to save himself from basic accountability – they slid off me like water on a duck’s back because I was so fucking immune with self knowledge.
He lied to himself, he lied to me, he blamed me when I called him out on his delusions. He made me the bad guy because calling him out on his actual shit was equivalent to berating him, equivalent to abusing him. He would scream as he threw tantrums, destroyed property, and as he put the safety of me and my pets at risk.
Trying to teach him things I have learned in my healing journey from trauma was still somehow me disrespecting him.
He could not grow, because learning was literally too painful to his ego for him to bear. He taught me to have shame for knowing things he didn’t. He taught me that if I cannot love him from the little box he made for me so that his fragile ego could feel safe, then I am not lovable.
When he finally left for good one day, on the premise that I was somehow inexcusably abusive for very quietly complaining about something he promised to do but didn’t, he taught me that no amount of empathy for the inability of a cowardly mother fucker to own is his fucking shit is healthy or productive for him or for me.
He taught me to regret being so fucking empathetic.
And still, I have not stopped trying to love men.
I am 50 now.
Back on Fetlife, I am engaged in the search for men to love. I do this in the face of countless men on this site foisting responsibility for their shortcomings onto women day in and day out in forums, in status updates, in inboxes.
I do this in the face of being lectured on “not all men.”
I do this in the face of disgusting displays of violent threats when he is told he is not a good fit, usually because he has demonstrated he has no internal sense of accountability for the way he reduces women through his dick centric/toxic masculinity infected worldview in various ways.
When I tell him he is not empowering women with his attitude, words, or actions, he teaches me that he is a terrified coward who is unwilling to do the work to be a better human, and he will defend his right to be unfuckable and angry at women about it until the day he is dead.
Daily he teaches me that he is dangerous because his slavery to his fragile ego keeps him on edge and ready to lash out at any perceived threat.
And still, I have not stopped trying to find men worth loving, and even now have found a few showing up in my world.
Even now, I am still loving men.
And you dare to call me a man hater?
Fuck off.
I am a fucking Love Warrior.
I’m very honored that -Pocket- agreed to, and trusted me, with her writing and granted me caretakership of her beautiful piece here on my blog. I find it difficult to articulate the depths of which her trust means to me. Please follow her on FetLife at -Pocket- for more incredible, vulnerable and profound pieces from this extraordinary human.
The first recorded corset originated from Crete in Greece and was worn by the Minoan people.
Images on ancient pottery show both women and men sporting form fitting belts and vests with leather rings or straps that constrict and shape the waist.
Many centuries later, the 1500’s, French aristocrat Catherine de Medici made an influential mark in fashion by banning ‘thick waists’ at court. Wealthy women of the time began wearing corsets in public and a fashion trend was born where instead of shaping clothes to the body, the body began to conform to fashion.
In the centuries since, the corset has evolved but it’s purpose has stayed the same – accentuate the body and present the ever-alluring “S” shape.
There is no doubt a corset is seductive and alluring.
It is a power player in the kinkster wardrobe and almost always takes center stage even when part of an ensemble or overall “look.”
It used to be much more of a specialty purchase. You had to know a corset maker and invest time into the fittings. And, that was usually not so available to the ‘thicker’ folks like me way back-back-in-the-day. If my memory serves me correctly, we had to travel to NYC for a corset when I was youngster kinkster b/c it was custom piece.
Oh how the times have changed.
Fortunately, we are seeing more and more fetish fashion options AND corsets for curvy & plus sized folks. It really makes me happy for the younger kinksters, who now have so many options at their fingertips to express themselves through kink, and corset, fashion.
Here’s a hand picked, varied collection of plus size corsets that I had a lot of FUN searching out and finding for you all. I hope you enjoy looking at them as much as I do. If you purchase any of ’em, I’d LOVE to see a pic of you in it! If you post it on socials, PLEASE tag me!
PAINT SPLATTER CORSET
WHY I LIKE:
It’s simple, clean & lean in it’s structure design, but the paint splatter gives is just the right amount of pizzazz and FUN!
Plus, it’s got spandex to form fit and just the right amount of give.
But, what I like more is the zip-up. It’s easy to deal with getting in an out of, and that’s tops for me.
I also like how it directs the eye towards the core of the body. This has always served me well when I wished to emphasize things about my body I liked, and distracted the eye from things I didn’t care for so much at the moment.
I also love that the decorative belting gives is just enough *extra* while delivering a badass simplicity.
We’ve seen a wonderful cross-over and blend between the Renaissance, cosplay & kink community and it’s been such a joyful and interesting thing to witness for an old kinkster like me!
If you’re going for olde timey wench, or just dig this style, this corset garter is for you!
Simone Justice is someone I respect and admire. She’s an OG Dominatrix who is a straight-shooter, incredibly knowledgeable, experienced, and thoughtful. She cares about kinksters and the community as a whole.
This article was first published on Simone’s website in 1995. The advice she gives here is evergreen and will have you well prepared in booking a Dominatrix.
Whether you are a nervous novice contemplating your first experience or a weekly visitor at the local house of domination, read this article to learn how to find the dominatrix of your dreams (and how not to become her nightmare).
During my years as a professional dominatrix, numerous conversations with my peers revealed common preferences in regards to conduct and protocol for booking appointments.
Below, I outline crucial advice for the client seeking a session:
LIST YOUR INTERESTS
Make a list of the your likes/dislikes to share with the dominatrix, preferably emailed before your first session, so that she will understand what you want from your appointment.
Don’t be concerned that she will only be doing what you want her to do; an experienced dominatrix knows how to take your requests into consideration and still be in control of the session. She can also use the information you provide to suggest other things you may find interesting.
If you aren’t sure what to include on your list, pay attention to your fantasies: if you fantasize about a certain kink or fetish frequently, you will probably enjoy it in session.
Categorize your list into things that you
(A) have tried and know that you like,
(B) are willing to try
(C) do not want to do.
Don’t leave anything out just because you are embarrassed or anxious or you wish that you didn’t want to try it. This is your chance to fulfill your fantasies. Don’t think that the dominatrix will lose respect for you or be shocked by your interests; trust me, she’s heard it all before.
Go back over your list of interests. Realistically evaluate whether you want Light, Medium, or Heavy play in each area of interest. Remember that the types of play may be combined in session, which may increase the sensation. If you haven’t yet tried something, rate it as Light.
Most importantly, do not say “you can do anything with me, Mistress”, because if she’s convinced, a dominatrix might use the opportunity to satisfy her most severe sadistic urges thinking that you are one of the rare few who can handle it. Don’t try to please or impress by overstating your limits…you won’t!
SPECIAL EQUIPMENT
Most dominatrices will have the basics, such as a paddle, a flogger, a crop, etc., but some BDSM play requires specific equipment. Figure out and list your equipment needs, such as: suspension rig, cross-dressing wardrobe, hood, etc. Don’t assume that every dominatrix can provide the correct equipment; only the most experienced dominatrices have studios stocked with everything you might need. Furthermore, if you have a specific fetish for something unusual, such as “cabled knee socks”, go out and buy the necessary equipment or wardrobe to present to the dominatrix in session.
decide what you actually need in a dominatrix
Think about the most important qualities you would like to find in a dominatrix. Consider such elements as intelligence, personality, physical appearance, and style of play. Some dominatrices have a friendly, compassionate, flexible play style, while others have a distant, haughty, imperial play style.
In order to learn about a client’s preferences, I often asked them whom they have seen in the past, what worked with her, and what did not work. Try going over your history to determine the fundamental characteristics of a successful encounter.
Decide what sort of relationship you want. Do you like the short- term anonymity that a house, which employs several dominatrices, can provide, or do you prefer a long-term personal interaction with an independent Dominatrix?
An experienced dominatrix knows how to take your requests into consideration and still be in control of the session.
Simone Justice
independent or house dominatrix?
Think about which is right for you, an independent dominatrix who works for herself or one on staff at a house of domination.
There are pros and cons for each. Women who work independently may have a private studio (or rent from another dominatrix), generally are experienced, may even be lifestyle, and offer a more personal and long-term connection. However independents are more expensive, sometimes very selective about their submissives, may not see novices, and are less likely to see you at the last minute.
Houses of domination are less expensive, more convenient, and offer easy opportunity for double and group sessions. However, dominatrices at a house are sometimes less experienced, may not be genuinely into BDSM, and often will not stay around for long.
Please note: These distinctions are less reliable than when this article was first written as now it is so easy for anyone to post on the internet and call themselves a dominatrix…that independent status no longer means as much – see below for hints on how to discern the difference between a beginner and expert dominatrix.
look at websites & social media
Keeping what you have determined to be important for your session in mind, look at websites for dominatrices in your area. Generally, dominatrices with their own websites are more serious than ones who only advertise on websites such as Eros or just have a Twitter or Instagram account.
A good place to start are well-established websites where the serious professional dominatrices get listed, such as dickievirgin.com and Pandemos.net
Look for mentions of your specific interests, but don’t assume that a dominatrix is not into your fantasy just because it isn’t listed.
Previously, I warned against the dominatrix who does not show her face in photos…but with the advent of the internet plus the ease and permanence of sharing photos today…this caveat no longer applies.
Do not allow yourself to be swayed away from your specific needs just because a dominatrix looks good in photos or she is wearing your favorite fetish wear; you will be disappointed if you are mismatched in other crucial areas.
Please note: Much about finding a dominatrix has changed since this article was first published. There are now so many dominatrices in every part of the world that it has become difficult to find the great ones…see below for some pointers.
TIPS ON DISCERNING THE EXPERTISE OF A DOMINATRIX
It has become necessary for clients to conduct research in order to find a safe, experienced dominatrix. Elaborate fetish wear in leather and latex, quality toys and BDSM furniture are expensive (though getting much cheaper these days), which means a dominatrix needs some success to acquire them. Look for photos and videos that prove she has made an investment in domination. Does she have all the components of a fetish wardrobe? Entire outfits including accessories like gloves, hats, and expensive items such as thigh-high leather boots show a she is willing and able to invest in her sessions. One pic of a woman in cheap lingerie on a bed with a PVC paddle in her hand is not a good sign!
Has she trained with someone experienced? Studying under an experienced dominatrix is the best way to become skilled in the art of domination. When starting out, I took classes and worked for the legendary Sabrina Belladonna (may she Rest In Power), and I learned by working alongside some of the best. Later, I started giving back by mentoring dominants.
Learning from an established Pro Domme used to be standard practice but now has unfortunately become rare. Those who have sought out this kind of training show their commitment to the craft…now more than ever.
Read for clues of expertise in her writing. Does she rely on stereotypical attitude and a predictable stance of arrogance in an attempt to sound dominating? Or does she demonstrate a true understanding of BDSM play and the realities of orchestrating a scene?
Does she travel to fetish events and conferences? Or better yet, does she perform or speak at them?
What level of play does she list? If she only specializes in light interests (such as foot fetish) or if she concentrates on interests that do not require much skill, do not expect her to have the experience or equipment necessary for a sophisticated intense encounter.
Does she have a good reputation? Look for reviews on dominatrix listing websites, if you don’t find any reviews on her, post a request for input from other clients in a forum.
It has become CRITICAL that you consider these elements when choosing a dominatrix, as there are many great looking women out there whom you will find disappointing in session. Furthermore, some have no ethics such as those who expose their celebrity clients.
be careful
Don’t think that less is more. Do not try to save money by going to someone based on cost alone.
BEWARE: if she doesn’t know what she’s doing, she could seriously hurt you. Not just in person. You can be mentally and emotionally harmed in any interaction.
Especially Take Care of Yourself, Financially
If funds are a concern, I advise visiting a well-known house of domination as opposed to an inexpensive independent. Independent dominatrices with fully equipped spaces and extensive wardrobes have high overhead, and will demand a higher tribute, but they generally have more technical and safety expertise.
BEWARE – The super hot, young “Domme” who wants to ruin and blackmail you…I hear horrible accounts of what some people will do to make money. And most of them know nothing about how to Dominate, their skills extend to merely yelling stock insults and trying to grab as much cash as they can before you realize they have no idea how to truly play. (i. e. I don’t need threats, raising my voice, cussing, or being rude to make someone super submissive in minutes)
HOW TO WRITE AN INTRODUCTION
Write a polite, submissive, concise email outlining your specific interests including your kink thresholds (i.e. light spanking, heavy flogging).
You must include whatever information she has requested or you might not receive an answer.
What to do if she requires references and you are a total novice:
Go to a reputable house of domination in her area, for your first sessions. She can contact someone she knows there.
And keep looking some very famous dominatrices take walk-ins.
Be sure to pay an online tribute or send a gift card along with your resume, if requested (extra points, if not requested).
Dominatrices often screen applicants by ignoring the ones that fail to demonstrate their sincerity. This is necessary because there are so many applicants and many are insincere or nowadays they are even trying to scam Pro Dommes (ha ha I know their little tricks).
Unless requested, you do not have to send a photo of yourself.
NEVER SEND A DICK PIC. Dominatrices hate that.
Clearly indicate the dates you are going to be in her area, if traveling, and write well in advance as most dominatrices get so much correspondence they can’t keep up. Many ProDommes won’t even discuss a session unless you are already in the same location.
Be patient. She is probably not going to have time to get back to you immediately.
how to book a session
Of course you’ll be nervous when you contact her; that’s expected, everybody is nervous. Just follow my directions whether making an appointment:
Text, Call, or Chat, at a decent time.
Do not send Direct Messages, Emails, Chats, Texts, etc. wasting her time with “Hi” she will be annoyed. Do you text your medical doctor to say “Hi”???
Don’t hang up when she answers or call just to hear her voice on the outgoing voicemail she will have caller ID and probably won’t answer blocked numbers, so it will make her angry with you. She might block you or refuse to see you.
Introduce yourself before you start asking questions. Every day I had to interrupt inadvertently rude excited callers to find out to whom I was speaking because they launched right away into their scene…most annoying!
If you are making up a name choose something unusual instead of Bob, Steve, Mark, or John – there are already too many of those. Choose something unusual and easy for both of you to remember.
If a receptionist answers, let her do her job. She has been educated to answer your questions hired to book appointments.
When contacting a dominatrix, ask if she is seeing new clients, tell her what you seek, ask questions about her facility, experience level, her specialties or interests, hours, tribute, etc.
Don’t try to press her into admitting she does certain things such as toilet training, pegging or anal play. Those activities are illegal and she may not want to discuss them and may even falsely deny that she does them in session, so you aren’t going to know anyway. Indicate how important those interests are to you and see if she still encourages you to visit her. However, do pay attention if she makes a point of letting you know she never accommodates those interests. Yes, I know that many dominatrices these days have no qualms about admitting to illegal acts and even post photos and videos. Just know that not everybody is so cavalier about illegal activities.
Remember that she is assessing you, so don’t keep her on the phone with repetitive questions or idle chitchat, or send a long email. Let her know that you respect and value her time.
Go ahead and tell her your secret desires, even if you feel embarrassed. She has probably heard it all before.
Don’t make an appointment if it sounds like you won’t like her, she is too pushy or disrespectful, or you seem mismatched.
Don’t book a time if you can’t make it or if you aren’t really sure.
Pay the deposit. It is not a scam. Reputable dominatrices need to keep their good standing, so she is not trying to rip you off. She just needs to be sure that if you no-show, she doesn’t lose money on her dungeon rental or hotel room. ProDommes often take deposits when traveling as they have rented the play space.
Write down the directions and address including suite number. Note any assignments she gives you and her answers to your questions so that you can review the information later. Trust me, you won’t remember it because you are too excited.
If you can’t keep your appointment, cancel as soon as possible. She will appreciate it because no-shows cost money since she saved that time for you by turning down other bookings.
THE APPOINTMENT:
Finally, playtime! But don’t mess it up now.
Follow Directions…Consider It Part Of The Play:
Confirm as instructed.
Be on time. Early arrival is just as bad as late arrival.
Be Discreet
Be discreet outside of her studio. She doesn’t want her neighbors to see clients waiting around, it is best to stay in your car until immediately prior to your session. Obviously, arriving in attire other than street wear would be an indiscretion. Do not talk about S&M outside her studio.
Especially, do not engage in play outside her studio. Do not kneel outside her door or call her “Mistress” in the hallway. Leave play for the privacy of her chambers where such behavior is proper. Discretion goes both ways.
Keep it Safe and Fun
Take responsibility for your own safety and enjoyment. Speak up immediately about any safety concerns or if you are not enjoying the session – an experienced dominatrix will appreciate and utilize the information.
Leave if the dominatrix is not who you saw in the photo/video.
Leave if she does not have promised elements necessary to your scene, such as specific equipment or wardrobe.
Leave if the space is dirty or looks poorly maintained; that may indicate unsafe practices.
LEAVE if she seems to be drunk or on drugs – intoxication is a very dangerous combination with BDSM. People die that way.
What to Expect in Session
A receptionist might answer the door or the dominatrix may answer in street clothes. You might have to wait in a room for her to finish up with another client. You might have to fill out a questionnaire about your likes/dislikes. You might be required to pay up front. You might be left to take off your clothes after a brief meeting with the dominatrix (but she probably won’t tell you to undress, so take a hint). She might give you a safeword (a word that will let her know you can’t take more of the same) before she starts to play. Act according to her direction – some dominatrices demand strict adherence to conduct befitting a slave, others don’t care if you act submissive or not.
What NOT to Expect in Session
Don’t have unrealistic expectations the session will not match your fantasies perfectly. And definitely do not bring a line-by-line script. Be open to her and let her do her thing you might find it better than your script.
Nudity
She will not wear less than lingerie.
Sex – There Really Really is No Sex
Realize that when a dominatrix says “no sex” she truly means it in the broadest interpretation. There will be no sex of any kind. None.
Know that she won’t be taking off her clothes, massaging, or letting you kiss intimate body parts, or doing anything that ends in -job. Go to see one of the wonderful people who offer those services.
how to be invited back
Be clean. Be very clean.
Be respectful. Be obedient.
If you want to make an impression, bring her a little something such as a gag, blindfold, candle, gift card or flowers. Better yet, see if she has a wishlist or ask her if there is something specific that she would appreciate. Often, I used to request a sandwich, because I had so little time to eat between my sessions.
Go over your list of likes/dislikes with the receptionist or dominatrix so that it is fresh in her mind. You can bring a printout but do not expect her to accept it. Do not bring a script. Experienced dominatrices abhor scripts.
Speak up if she pushes you beyond your limits – a good dominatrix will appreciate the input without being threatened. Don’t try to impress by surpassing your limits; you will both regret it.
Understand that she may have another client waiting, don’t hang around so long that you put her into an uncomfortable situation.
Help her to clean up.
Keep your curiosity about her to yourself rather than asking personal questions.
Demonstrate your gratitude tell her how great the session was and that you want to see her again. It is not too early to book your next appointment.
TIPPING
If she works in a house of domination and you enjoyed the session, tip her. House dominas only get a percentage of the full tribute. It is not necessary to tip an independent dominatrix or Head Mistress (the owner of a house of domination). Only do so if you feel compelled by excellence.
FOLLOW-UP
Afterwards write down your impressions, then wait a few days to fully assess your reactions. Sometimes you will find activities that were unpleasant in session, are actually quite exciting afterwards. This is a common experience. Some BDSM is highly anticipated before, disliked during, and relished after the act.
Evaluate whether you want to see her again and figure out the positive and negative elements of your session so that you can pass that information on to the next dominatrix you see whether it is her, or someone else.
Adjust your resume, if you have learned more about your preferences and capabilities.
When you write or call again don’t be vague saying “Hi, its Joe” she probably speaks to a lot of men named Joe. Remind her of who you are by name, appearance, and what you did in session, without her having to ask.
If you adhere to my advice, you will know enough about proper protocol to realize your fantasies in an appointment with your dream dominatrix.
About This Article:
I first published it in 1995 on my original website. Back then, there wasn’t so much info on BDSM so the article became very popular, has been widely plagiarized, and is still often featured on other websites than my own. Even so, it is intricately associated with me as the author, which is why I call it “The Article”.
I wrote it to help clients find, book an appointment with, and hopefully be invited back by, a professional dominatrix. Much has changed since the initial version, mostly due to the proliferation of the internet and recently with the influx of new people freed by media coverage to be less isolated and more open about their fantasies. While the majority of the original text has been maintained, I regularly update it to improve its usefulness and relevance. – Simone Justice
*Be sure to stay updated on all of Simone’s socials, appearances, classes and MORE by visiting:Simone Justice LinkTree
Tamika rubbed her temples as she struggled to describe what had happened to her between our therapy appointments.
“I don’t know how to think about this. My Dom did everything we talked about. He started slow with the flogger, moved on to the cane. Maybe he was striking harder than usual, but I liked what he was doing.”
Then she hesitated.
“I expected all that, and I was feeling very relaxed. Then, he started to pour the low-temp wax on my back and shoulders.”
She didn’t say anything and I let her sit in silence.
“Then, nothing. The next thing I knew, he was face to face with me asking questions. He felt like 100 miles away from me. It took me a long time to figure out what he was saying. He was really worried about me. As we talked, he told me something had happened. It was like I was in another world. He couldn’t get me even to respond to anything he was saying. Mike, help me! What happened to me?”
I was fairly certain she had entered into a deeper level of Subspace than most people experience when doing kink. But it still sounded like Subspace.
She confirmed that as far as she knew, nothing had proved to be physically wrong with her. She did have Impact Play bruises in all the expected places. Her heartbeat was regular and so was her energy level.
If anything, she had more energy the next day or two after the scene with her play partner.
For those unaware of the term, “Subspace” is where an individual perceives a loss of Self that some people experience in BDSM play. There are a lot of theories as to what Subspace actually is, and I won’t delve into that with this article.
I personally have come to believe that Subspace is an Altered State of Consciousness (ASC) and can be understood and described using some new language developed recently in the field of Psychology.
I am a clinical psychologist, specializing in trauma and sex therapy. I have also practiced kink in my private life for many years. I approach this topic of Subspace with personal and professional interest points.
In this article, I want to explore three psychological aspects of Subspace:
What happens chemically during Subspace What happens psychologically during Subspace How Subspace can help with our emotional well being
I am going to reference just a few of the many recent academic studies focused on Kink. Never has BDSM been studied so much by so many educated people. I believe this is because kink is now more popular with the general public than ever before.
A Danish study in 2017 reported that 70% of European adults had tried kink in the 2016 calendar year. Though the numbers may be smaller in the US, they are probably not that much smaller. Because people tend to under-report their sexual experiences even on anonymous surveys, we can safely assume that the majority of adults in America have tried some form of BDSM.
As a result, many academic studies are coming out from universities and research centers devoted to elements of kink.
I’m going to survey the results of several of these.
What Happens Chemically During Subspace
In brain research on human behavior, one chemical that scientists often look for is Cortisol. Typically, Cortisol is produced by the body when it is under stress. For a long time, neurobiologists assumed that was the only purpose of Cortisol.
But we now know it has other uses.
For instance, researchers at Northern Illinois University did a study where they had kinky people involved in a series of tests. These were all experienced Switches and were assigned the Top/Bottom roles randomly. They acted out various scenes and afterward were asked to describe how they felt.
Their blood was also drawn for study.
Regardless of what emotion they described, almost all had higher levels of Cortisol. Yet almost none of them reported any real stress. The same thing has been observed with people involved in extreme sports: High Cortisol and low stress.
It seems that consensual extreme activities—whether hang-gliding or ritual piercing—produce Cortisol and several other hormones associated with pleasure.
They also produce large amounts of adrenaline.
But researchers did notice a difference between tops and bottoms when they then gave them cognitive tests. The bottoms did more poorly the longer they were dominated.
The tops showed almost no difference, regardless of their Cortisol or Adrenaline levels.
So, what made the difference between the subs and the Doms?
The subs had one other chemical element: Endorphins.
The more pain their body experienced, the more their bodies produced Endorphins.
In a recent article in the “Journal of Positive Sexuality”, they discovered that something very interesting happens when you combine adrenaline, endorphins, and Cortisol.
The prefrontal cortex of the brain, the part responsible for a sense of Self, no longer works as well as it normally does. The article claims this is the chemical cause of Subspace.
But, of course, there is so much more to our minds than just the neurochemical reactions.
What Happens Psychologically During Subspace
One of my favorite combinations when I sub is for my Domme and I to set up a mix of increasing amounts of impact play pain with humiliation. No one does that more effectively with me than my life partner.
Recently, she was doing a Florentine pattern with a flogger, and I could mentally tell she was hitting harder with more snap. Then, she used a couple of the words that often trigger shame in me and bring my deeper emotions to the surface.
After a few minutes, I realized she wasn’t striking me anymore.
So, I came out of the scene with her and we talked. She could tell I wasn’t reacting any more to the impact and my muscles had gone slack. That’s when she decided to stop.
“Mike, where did you go?”
I had to press my mind for details.
They were blurry to me.
During this Subspace experience, I had flashed on a time when I was young and being tortured by a babysitter. I have done significant processing with that memory. I didn’t have any PTSD reactivity from the memory; only a sense that I was now in control of my adult life and I wasn’t that boy any more.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I wasn’t really “thinking” that much.
I was just “being.”
In psychology, we now refer to that state, where a person just exists and feels but doesn’t think, as “hypofrontality.” It is experienced in many places in life. But it is most often felt as people consensually enter situations where they allow their mind to become overloaded with sensory data.
Loud concerts with flashing lights, BDSM scenes, participating in contact sports, and even deep focused meditation will all produce this state.
In a well-known study, (Burmeister, 1997) masochists in controlled scenes were observed to lose a sense of their Self.
This is also known as Ego Depletion.
The author observes that “the physical and psychological arousal that BDSM participants derive from consensual painful or humiliating experiences in the context of a BDSM interaction can provide a temporary, beneficial escape from the stress and burdens associated with an individual’s daily life and identity.”
In other words, the pain and humiliation allow the bottom to stop thinking so much and just focus on sensations and arousal.
This is one type of hypofrontality.
The loss of Self also brings with it a loss of anxiety, a loss of stress, a loss of responsibility, and even identity.
Another author refers to this as “transient hypofrontality” because it doesn’t last. If it did last much longer than a scene, it could be uncomfortable. This might be the explanation of why some people also experience “sub drop” after a scene. They have experienced too much ego depletion and need to be brought back to Self.
Curiously, the loss of hypofrontality can also be experienced by Tops.
But it is much different. There is no real sense of ego depletion, but the top may get into the scene so much that they also cease from over-thinking the process. This resembles what a long- distance runner may experience during a long race.
The repetition of the movements causes the brain to stop using the pre-frontal cortex and just rely on learned body movements.
Several years ago, running expert and physiologist, Dr. Csikszentmihalyi, identified this in athletes AND dominants. He referred to it as “flow.”
Flow is the sense of being in the zone with a physical activity so much that you get carried along with it. But there is no loss of Self. The mind simply turns off the thought process and the concentrates on instinctual body movements.
This can happen dancing as well.
Interesting.
The bottom experiences loss of Self and the top experiences Flow.
And both can happen at the same time.
No wonder BDSM is attracting more and more people.
How Subspace Can Help Our Emotional Well-Being
Though Subspace is hardly a recognized therapeutic method in our world, I have no qualms saying that it may have healing power for some people. Not only have I seen its advantages to my own life, but I have also observed the power of kink in the lives of my clients and friends.
Here are 6 benefits I can see from Subspace and kink in general.
For those with childhood trauma, and who are constantly affected by the pain of those events, the sub experience in Subspace can help alleviate the pain for a period of time. It is like a reset of the Self. Once the Self is reset, the sub can emerge from the scene feeling stronger and more aware.
If the domme and sub are aware of the nature of Subspace, the domme can safely monitor how deeply the sub goes in. This is different than other activities where the person entering hypofrontality is often doing it solo.
Because a sub has a safe word, they are in charge of the process from start to finish. This potentially allows them to relax enough to enter Subspace more fully and find its benefits.
The simultaneous release of endorphins with adrenaline can often relieve chronic physical pain experienced in areas of the body not impacted by Impact play.
Trusting a domme/top with your safe keeping while you enter Subspace will help to grow in the ability to trust. For those who have been abused earlier in life, theability to trust anyone for any length of time is helpful.
Subspace does not seem to bring anxiety with it. The break from the parts of our psyche that carry anxiety is often all some people need to feel more in control.
Though not every person experience positive results from Subspace, it is worth noting that many people do. The brain can use the BDSM platform to meet its needs quite effectively.
One of the best things about social media is that it facilitates connection with others we might not have met otherwise. It provides an opportunity to share thoughts, perspectives, education, etc that often sparks a collective conversation. And sometimes, it inspires us. That’s exactly what happened yesterday between HadrianTemple & I. You’ll see my original tweet addressing submissives wherein I offer the message that they indeed have agency, a voice, and that they are NOT required to agree 100% with a/their dominant. You’ll see Hadrian Temple quote tweet me offering their contribution to this collective conversation. Then, something magical happened. Hadrian Temple was inspired to write the following blog post – Agreement vs Obedience. I’m honored to have played a part in this creative process. And, grateful that they agreed to allow me to share their writing as a guest post here on my blog!
A very brief discussion this morning with Mistress Kye (@mistresskye–give her a follow!) about the difference between being submissive and always agreeing with the dom made me think there was enough in this issue for a blog post.
To quote Kye’s original post, “A message to submissives: Remove the notion that you must agree w/ a/your Dominant 100% You are your own individual human being and have agency Anyone telling you different is tilting towards abuse Even players in committed TPE D/s know this You ALWAYS have a voice in kink”
Kye is 100% correct about this, for a whole lot of reasons. Subs should always strive to obey their doms (within the limits of their agreed-upon submission), but that doesn’t mean they are obligated to agree with everything their dom says and does.
First, a Dom’s first duty should always be to keep the sub safe from injury (physical, financial, career-wise, etc), and sometimes a dom will miss an important safety consideration that a sub notices. In a situation like that the sub should always speak up (“Sir, it seems like you forgot I can’t breathe well through my nose, so I can’t wear that gag” or “Mistress, if I send you the tribute you are demanding, I won’t be able to pay my mortgage”). Any decent dom knows they can’t know everything and that they might overlook something important, so a dom who expects a sub to remain silent in the face of a dangerous order is not a dom who should be obeyed at all.
Likewise, a sub should speak up when they are given an extremely unethical order or when their dom proposes to do something extremely unethical. A Dom’s leadership should always have an ethical component. A sub should follow their dom because they truly believe their dom deserves to be obeyed, and that means the dom should hold themself to a higher ethical standard. Obviously there are always ethical grey areas, but things like intentional consent violations (which are often crimes and may well be a form of physical or sexual assault), actions take maliciously to harm or upset someone or some group, sexual or financial exploitation of minors, or similar choices are signs a dom is making a serious error in judgment and a sub has a duty to speak up and challenge their Dom’s choice. Perhaps the dom has let their feelings get the best of them momentarily; in that case a sub serves their master by keeping them from making a serious mistake and reminding them to be the best person they can be.
On a less egregious level, any good dom realizes that their sub probably has knowledge and skills they lack, so they ask their sub for advice and input before they take action on something where the sub’s expertise is relevant. It’s common sense that if your sub knows a lot about the tax code, you should listen to your sub’s advice on how to file your taxes or whether to report your income from tribute.
It is a foolish dom who thinks he always has to know more than his sub. The more experienced a dom is, the more they generally understand that they don’t know everything there is to know about kink. A sub may very well be more experienced in a particular form of play than their dom is, and in a situation like they, the dom should let the sub guide and educate them, even if the dom is making the final choice about what to do.
Even experienced TPE relationships typically have room for the sub to have their own thoughts, hobbies, opinions, and so on. Many couples use standard phrases to indicate the sub’s desires while still retaining a submissive gloss to the exchange. For example, if the master says, “You’d like me to beat you, wouldn’t you?” and the slave in fact does not want a beating that day, the slave might say “Only if it pleases you, Sir”. The wording indicates the sub’s desire to not be beaten but makes it clear that the sub is still fully submitting and will accept the master’s choice to beat them. But this allows the master to know that the sub doesn’t want a beating. It might trigger a conversation about why the slave doesn’t want a beating; maybe the slave is still sore from their last beating or is having a bad day or knows that tomorrow is going to be a long work day.
Power exchange only works well if the couple has good communication. Even if the couple is operating on a model of extreme power exchange and submissive behavior, there are still ways for the sub to signal their wishes, needs, and concerns. A dom who isn’t encouraging their sub to express such things is eventually going to stumble into an emotional minefield or cause the slave to act out or run away or disobey, and those things will make the sub feel like a failure even when the mistake is really the dom’s.
So how do you handle this sort of issue in your relationship? Leave a comment!
Pandemic fatigue set in for many kinksters a LOOONG time ago. Especially those of us who used to attend community events like munches, socials and play parties on a fairly regular basis.
As life began the shift back to a more recognizable state, folks have been slow in returning to kink gatherings. Event holders I know tell me that they see a small uptick every few months or so. But, a lot of their kink community shares that they still feel the effects of the pandemic. And, simply don’t feel motivated to return to in-person events. The hosts tell me that they now work 2x as hard to increase new business because regulars aren’t returning so quickly.
I asked around about this phenomenon. Kinksters not coming out to play parties? That doesn’t sound right. Yet, the more I asked, the more I found it’s occurring everywhere.
Some of the reasons kinksters have cited for staying home from events include:
existing health concerns and catching the virus
social anxiety of being around lots of people again
avoiding the overstimulating atmosphere at events
inflation costs gobbling up money once used for event tickets
Although some folks are opting to stay in rather than attend kink gatherings, that doesn’t mean the shenanigans have have to pause. I mean, we ARE a creative & sensual bunch and there is kinky fun to be had right at home.
I’ve put together a list of 5 easy games for stay-at-home-kink’in!
1. Kinky Kama Sutra
Grab your hard copy of Kama Sutra, put your thumb on the edge of the pages and speed through them until your partner says “stop.’ Whatever page you land on you must act out that position. Naked, of course.
But, for a kinky twist, one of you must be blindfolded as the other directs your bodies into position with voice and touch. Once accomplished, grab the book and start again, alternating who wears the blindfold.
This engages on several aspect of kink. Power exchange, communication, sensory deprivation, anticipation, playfulness, fun and intimate touch.
2. Kinky Adventure
With many of us staying at home so much more than we did pre-pandemic, we’re reminiscing about the things we used to out & about. This game takes those happy memories and marries them into a fun and kinky game.
Public/semi-public sex is a common kinky fantasy. This game taps into that.
Individually, you and your partner each make a list of all the places you’d like to have sex outside your home. It can be as public as a park, or as covert as a friends garage. (*it should be noted that I’m obviously NOT suggesting that you have sex out in the open in front of everyone at the park because of consent surrounding other park go-ers)
The sky is the limit!
There are no wrong answers.
Then, plan to spend a few sexy evenings sharing each others lists. What usually happens is you’ll go from discussing fantasy ‘outings’ to actually planning one!
Intimate nights with your partner communicating your desires, sharing vulnerabilities and planning your adventure is an anticipation builder. Kinky play often involves igniting anticipation. Not only that, you’ll be participating the kink fundamental of negotiations.
Then, the bonus is having sex in all sorts of thrilling places where you just may get caught! Kinky public play, check!
3. Kinky ‘Would You Rather’
‘Would You Rather’ is often used as a party game to spark laughter or to playfully razz party go’ers with choosing between 2 uncomfortable options. But, sometimes, it ends up sparking players into genuinely deep conversation that creates bonding.
In ‘Kinky Would You Rather’ we’re shooting for all of that.
Spend time beforehand making a list of the ‘would you rather’ questions you’d like to ask you partner to help you discover their kinky wants, needs & desires. Here are some examples:
would they rather tease & denial orgasm play or forced orgasm?
would they rather be restrained by handcuffs or rope?
spanked or flogged?
send a nude text or receive?
would you rather me flirt with a stranger or try to entice a stranger to flirt with me?
would you rather be called “_______” or “_______” during sex?
would you rather have me wear your underwear or wear yours?
You get the idea. The list of possible questions is endless.
‘Kinky Would You Rather’ is quite similar to the ‘negotiation’ aspect of kink play. We often go through checklists like this when finding our play partners boundaries and limits. It helps us to understand our compatibilities and the things we’d like to try.
This game dials into that.
It’s a great game to play periodically as your kink journey opens new and different doors of interest.
4. Kinky Rough Sex Play
Many of us fantasize about a partner desiring us on such a carnal level, they lose themselves in passion. Who wouldn’t want to be desired so deeply that your partner tears your clothes away?
This little game allows you to dabble in rough passion play in a safe, consensual way.
Purchase some super cheap underwear and tank tops for both of you and go crazy tearing them away.
OR, take turns by dedicating a night to one partner being the “Dom” who does the tearing with the other being the “sub” getting their clothes torn away by desire. Then switch next time.
By alternating, this gives each of you the chance to play both sides of the D/s and explore which is more appealing to yourself, and your partner. I guarantee some terrific kinky conversations with come from this type of power exchange play.
5. Mutual Tease & Denial
Who doesn’t love to masturbate? Who doesn’t love to watch their partner maturate? This game takes that fun a step further by bringing a mutual masturbation sesh to the next level with tease and denial.
Begin by laying next to you partner completely naked. Part of the denial is not allowing your partner to touch you during this phase. Set your phone’s stopwatch to one minute intervals of masturbation time.
Upon the alarm, you must halt immediately. The time spent waiting while the stopwatch is re-set is part of the denial as well. The first to cum helps the other finish.
Win-win.
*What are some of your favorite kinky home games? Do you have any suggestions for enhancements to the games listed on this post? As always, I want to hear from you all.
Hello Kinksters,I’ve been trying to get to FetishCon for years. But, life has had different plans. So, I get to see and experience it vicariously through my many friends who attend, teach and present at this incredible show. I was slated to teach, then the pandemic derailed all our lives.This year was the show’s 20th anniversary and we’re fortunate that Princess Kira agreed to share her 3-day FetCon 2022 experience with us as a guest post on Kinkology Blog. Warm Regards, Mistress Kye
This year, the 20th annual FetishCon took place in beautiful and sunny St. Petersburg Florida at the Hilton Bayfront hotel August 11th-14th.
Being late summer it was dreadfully hot and humid, I was sweating the whole time. Luckily the convention allowed ladies to strip all the way down to panties and pasties, which I obliged to do!
On Thursday the eleventh I made my way to St. Pete to pick up my FetCon badge and pool pass. The hotel lobby was sectioned off with opaque black curtains, one reading “ENTRANCE” and one “EXIT.” The small space that was left upon entering the Hilton Bayfront consisted of several check in tables, a short roped off line, and some hotel seating.
The makeshift lobby was muggy and hot due to the automatic double doors opening and closing constantly, I was sweating not only due to the temperature but my eagerness to get into the event.
Despite the line being reasonably short it took a little over half an hour to receive my convention badge because all attendees must confirm their identity with photo ID and sign paperwork before being granted access to the event. Consent forms are required so that all FetishCon attendees understand they have the potential to be photographed and filmed while at the event.
Knowing that everyone there was verified via ID gave a feeling of safety and reassurance for me. Practicing safe procedures is very important to me when attending events like FetCon.
Once past the black curtains and inside the convention I was overwhelmed with the level of excitement and noise. People were mingling everywhere, some dressed casually in their street clothes while others donned their best fetish gear and lingerie. The Hilton Bayfront hotel lobby was abuzz with FetCon attendees, every lounge area and plush chair full. This was the opening night party.
A big celebration to kick off the convention ensued, with a cake cutting ceremony and complimentary champagne toast. I opted for a harder drink from the Dali Bar located inside the hotel lobby, sipping a Sprite with white rum as I reconnected and caught up with old friends.
One of the best parts of these events is being able to see online friends in person. I couldn’t party too hard the first night of the convention though—my hotel check in wasn’t until the next day on Friday and I was scheduled to make an appearance at the Clips4Sale booth.
On Friday it was time for me to meet my fans!
My heart was racing as I put on my lingerie and did my makeup.
Believe it or not I have social anxiety and it takes me a lot of courage to attend adult conventions. Overcoming my fears and connecting with my longtime fans and supporters is always worth it in the end, though.
There is something so special about making that face to face connection, about being able to embrace my fans in a hug and see them light up.
After spending time with my fans, creating some new ones and mingling with other fetish models I headed back to my hotel to rest up before Friday night’s parties.
FetCon was absolutely packed with fun parties and events.
Every single night a different party was going on!
This was one of the reasons I opted to stay at a nearby hotel within walking distance rather than reserving a room at the host hotel. While staying at the Hilton Bayfront would have been convenient, staying at the host hotel with its late night parties, crowded quarters, and slow wifi didn’t sound ideal to me.
Before hitting the Friday night Pervy Pool Party I headed to the Dungeon After Dark, an on site dungeon space reserved for All Access Pass holders. I ended up visiting the dungeon space every single night of the convention. The dungeon came equipped with several different kinds of BDSM furniture from spanking benches, X-crosses, and Shibari suspension rigs.
Play areas were roped off to avoid anyone getting too close to your scene, sanitizing wipes were provided, and the space was staffed with kink friendly security.
Each night I got my ass spanked and paddled in front of a bunch of strangers!
It was incredibly exhilarating to get spanked in front of so many people. One of the best parts of attending an event like FetishCon are the one of a kind experiences you can have—like getting your ass beat in front of strangers! Swimming in the pervy pool in just my bikini bottoms and pasties was another unique experience—when else would you be allowed to swim in a Hilton hotel pool with no top on?!
These experiences are another reason I make it a point to attend these events.
After my spanking it was time to hit up the Pervy Pool Party, which also took place every single night of FetishCon!
It was a nonstop party and there was never a dull moment, even when the DJ showed up late. The sparkling Hilton Bayfront hotel pool was lit up and filled with Bad Dragon beach balls and adorable inflatables—balloon fetish, anyone?
By 10pm the celebration was in full swing and all kinds of people could be seen hanging around the pool—latex and latex couples, medical fetishists, Dom/sub pairs and more. Bad Dragon was even giving out free nipple pasties and light up sunglasses at the DJ booth!
I had felt so much anxiety throughout the day but finally it was melting away as I stepped into the clear blue pool topless.
Drinks flowed and so did the conversation as the night went on. I met so many fun new people and spent quality time with friends. Everyone I talked to was so kind, I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a friendlier and more welcoming group of people. It was refreshing to feel at ease, to feel like I was with my people.
Saturday was a day full of filming for me.
With adult conventions bringing together so many models in one place, it’s the perfect opportunity for talent to collaborate with one another. If you’re a member of the adult industry and interested in working with others, consider planning a trip to an adult convention near you!
Since I spent the whole day creating videos with others, I was unable to make it to FetishCon until after the expo rooms were shut down but I was still able to enjoy the Dungeon After Dark and the Pervy Pool Party since they took place each night of the convention.
Sunday—the closing day of FetishCon—I was back at the Clips4Sale stage to interact with my fans!
If you dream of meeting your favorite fetish performers, check to see if they’ll be attending FetCon 2023.
Once again I got up on stage, this time with my partner! We played out a scene with another Domme for all of the FetCon attendees to enjoy. Being invited to the Clips4Sale stage was intimidating for me because I have awful stage fright!
But it was an amazing opportunity for me to overcome this fear in an environment free of judgement.
After my appearance I grabbed all the free swag I could!
I recommend doing this as soon as you get to any convention and not at the very end like I did. Free items have limited quantities, so you aren’t guaranteed to bank any freebies unless you’re quick to claim them. Luckily I still made out pretty good.
Then it was onto the vendors!
Again, I recommend checking out the vendors first thing! You never know what one of a kind items may be for sale.
FetishCon was absolutely packed with quality fetish gear—handmade leather, latex, PVC, wooden and silicone toys, and more! Not only that, there were vendors offering many hard to find items such as sex swings and BDSM furniture. One vendor that I made a purchase from was an insanely adorable adult “Build-A-Bear” style booth. I made a stuffed llama and got a pink BDSM collar for her, too!
Sunday night the FetishCon Awards and after party were held.
The closing night of the event.
It was quieter than I had anticipated. Everyone must have been all partied out after three days of nonstop fun. I know I was! The con drop was already setting in, my sadness about having to leave creeping up.
Since I could tell the celebrations were coming to a close and enthusiasm was low due to everyone’s exhaustion I kissed FetishCon goodbye til next year, saying farewell to all of my new and old friends before starting back to my hotel to finish the fun on my own terms.
I looked through my phone’s photo gallery back in my room, my face lit up with the memories of the weekend. It was an amazing experience and I cannot wait to do it all again. It’s barely been a month since the event and I’m already dreaming about next year
About 3 weeks ago or so, for 6-ish consecutive days, #Mistress was trending on Twitter with #pegging bringing up the rear (yes, the bad pun was intended).
6 DAYS!
Then again on Monday 8/22.
Except this time,Iwas trending WITH the hashtag!
Me!Moi!This old ho!
Second only to the Queen of Darkness, Elvira. I was so dumfounded, but honored just the same. Trending, with #Mistress. Holy shitballs!
So, what could possibly cause such a kerfuffle?
What could possibly start, and keep, #Mistress trending for days and DAYS? And then resurface to trend again?
Logic would tell you it’s likely because of someone like me – a kinkster, a FemDomme, Dominatrix, Mistress, etc.
Or, that somehow mainstream society was getting a giggle at #AnalAugust.
Nopety Nope!
Hold on to your tiara’s, folks.
The kerfuffle is regarding Prince William!
Yes, the Prince – and his fondness for pegging with his mistress. His mistress-mistress, not Dominatrix-Mistress. The future Kink, er King, of England has a penchant for pegging! No surprise there. Men in positions of power often CRAVE being in complete & utter submission – to shut off and let someone else call the shots. Not a surprise to me one, single, bit.
I say kudos to him. Rock on. Let the good times roll!
So, here’s the thing…pegging has always been popular. But, vanilla folks and mainstream overall have just begun to talk about pegging more openly in recent years. Us kinksters have been talking butt-stuff for as far back as I can remember, and I’m kinda old.
With this new-found royal notoriety, dudes are going to be asking for pegging, a lot, trust me on this.
So, I put together a few quick thoughts on some of the basics of safe pegging and anal play overall. Besides, #AnalAugust is almost over. I mean, what kind of kinkster would I be if I didn’t join the booty party?
But first, a great ‘thank you’ to HRH for trending #Mistress & #PrinceOfPegging and getting a collective conversation started.
I’ll take it from here ol’ boy.
CLEANING THE POOP SHOOT
At minimum:
1)be sure you’ve had a bowel movement that day
2)do a THOROUGH cleaning (lookin’ at YOU cis dudes who are beggin’ for peggin’).
This involves a very thorough wash of the anal area with soap and warm water about an hour prior. Then, before the big show, use unscented, hypoallergenic baby wipes. For most people, this method of cleaning is enough.
For those seeking a deeper clean, enema 1-2 hours before anal play. Be sure to only use a couple cups of WARM water because you’re only rinsing out the last 6-8 inches of the rectum. NOTE: If you use too much water, you can stimulate your digestive system and make things messier.
Check the water against your wrist. Too cold and you’ll cramp. Too hot and you’ll irritate the tissues.
USE A ‘CHUCK’ DURING ANAL
An easy way to help keep things clean is to put a ‘chuck'(disposable absorbent pad) down before you get started. The term ‘chuck’ comes from the medical field. They’re thin, easy to work with when moving patients and easy for clean-up because you just ‘chuck’ ’em in the trash.
I advise everyone who’s engaging in anal play to use them. It’ll stop your bedsheets from being stained and help collect any lube, body fluids, and fecal matter.
You don’t need to pay for the medical grade ‘chucks’ when puppy pee pads do the same job at a fraction of the price. I found the perfect size here.
USE GLOVES FOR FOREPLAY
I strongly urge using gloves for anal foreplay and prostate massage. It’s an efficient way to keep anal play clean for everyone. In addition, they’re smooth and protect the delicate tissue from any small rough spots on the fingers, nails and hands. Because of their smooth surface, they’re perfect for anal opening massage which stimulates erotic nerve endings and prepares the body for larger penetration.
Although you can easily get a box of gloves at Walmart or CVS, the blue and white gloves look more medical and sterile. Blah! Not sexy whatsoever – unless you’re specifically doing medical play.
They’re thinner (4ml) and come in black, which is WAY hotter. These nitrile gloves work great, and you can use oil-based lubricants with them. There are various sizes to choose from to accommodate all hand sizes. Be sure that the glove is snug and smooth. If it’s too loose, or loose enough to have wrinkles, discard. Folds in the glove will irritate the anus.
PROSTATE MASSAGE
While you have the gloves on, let’s direct you to the P-Spot.
The prostate.
It is a small gland about the size of a walnut inside the anal canal. It’s part of the (male assigned at birth) reproductive system and is surrounded by nerve endings that, when massaged, can intensely amplify an orgasm.
The P-spot can be found 2-4 inches inside the anal canal. You’ll know you’ve found it when you feel the raised, walnut-sized gland. Using your index finger (or 2 fingers for experienced players) and do a “come hither” motion to rub the prostate. Start off gentle and then slowly apply more pressure as determined by your partners response. Due to so many nerve ending surrounding the P-spot, you simply need to gently rub in order to elicit all the good feels.
Prostate orgasms are thought to be more intense than just penile orgasms. Penile orgasms are associated with 4-8 pelvic contractions, while prostatic massage orgasms are associated with 12!
EASY DOES IT
Is this is your first time with anal play and not ready for any penetration?
You can get tremendous pleasure without actual penetration.
Anal foreplay is a great way to introduce yourself to stimulation and pleasure in this newly explored area. There are TONS of nerve endings around the anus that feel AMAZING with gentle stimulation like licking or massaging.
When you’re ready to proceed, remember to relax. If you’re tense, your sphincter will be as well. And, what should normally be incredibly pleasurable, will likely be painful. (Which it’s NOT supposed to be).
You can also try deep breathing with your partner to relax. That helps, a lot.
lube. Lube. LUBE. The anus does not self-lubricate. I recommend silicone-based lube for anal play because it’s smoother and lasts longer than water-based lube.
Newbie players should avoid numbing lubes. It’s important that you feel everything, good and bad, in order to have a successful, pleasurable and safe experience.
Tip: Have the receiver guide the penetration.
A great way to begin is with the tongue or fingers then introducing a small butt plug.
From there, build up to bigger butt plugs (purchase a butt plug kit ahead of time) and then try toys or penis.
Anal sex shouldn’t hurt.
Especially if you take your time.
The sensation might feel a bit foreign but pain is NOT supposed to be part of it. You should basically just feel like you might need to poop, coupled with pleasure. It’s goooooooood.
Go slow. Relax. Use plenty of lube and foreplay.
You’ll be well on your way to an incredibly pleasurable experience with your partner in no time!
SHIT HAPPENS!
So, it got a little messy. Don’t get freaked out.
Sure, it can be a bump in the road but it doesn’t have to be an all out calamity. The more calm and go-with-the-flow you are, the more your partner will feel same.
Stay calm, stay present and keep a positive mindset. Remember that even when you go into anal play well-prepared, it just happens. Even experienced players have had this occur at one time or another.
Sometimes, it merely means cleaning up. Or hopping in a quick shower. Or shifting to a different type of intimacy. For some, it means calling it a wrap and trying again another time. Just talk to your partner and discuss what’s best for both of you in that moment.
Please note: The links to products in this blog post are affiliated with my Amazon Associates accountthat earn a very small amount to help support this blog:)
One of my favorite things about kink being far more mainstream now than it was when I was a young kinkster is the kink/fetish/BDSM fashion.
Super Bowl 2015 Dominatrix Ad
We see it more and more in places like Fashion Week in NYC, Paris & Milan.
Kink fashion even made its way into a 2015 Super Bowl ad, for pistachios of all things!
By all accounts, it was the first of it’s kind to say “Dominatrix” in the ad let alone show one in action. I believe this mainstream ad may have been a catalyst that set designers & manufacturers on fire to emulate our scene-wear. Which, in turn, was the start of more kinky fashion choices for us.
Well, for some of us.
Although kink fashion had become more readily available, much of it had been designed for the stereotypical tall, thin, long-legged Dominatrix. It’s only in more recent years that we’ve seen a broader selection for all body types, especially ‘thick’ kinksters like me.
Case in point, back in 2015-ish, I pinned my hopes on an Amazon corset that indicated ‘plus’ sizes available. I’m very bottom-heavy and needed a corset that offered enough room to fit my upper booty curvature. Knowing the sizes were likely WAY off, I went with the largest size offered, figuring I could alter it down pretty easily. No surprise, it was too small. WAY too small.
In that moment, I knew plus sized, non-specialized fetish wear hadn’t quite made it to mainstream shopping just yet.
But, today? Today is a whole new world.
Manufacturers are finally catching on that making correct sizes for everyday women is profitable. It took my entire lifetime, but, it’s finally here. We can pick up our phones and have choices of kink fashion at our fingertips.
Which brings me to my downtime. It often consists of sitting with my mom for 45 minutes to make sure she takes all of her meds and doesn’t choke in the process. I’ve gotten into a rhythm where I use that time to scroll Amazon for plus-size kink fashion. I began posting my finds on my Twitter (@MistressKye) and IG (@MistressKye) but soon realized my feeds were getting overloaded with kink fashion posts.
So, it dawned on me to just start creating blog posts, each with a handful of fun, kink fashion items for curvy kinksters & Dommes like me.
This is the inaugural blog post in a series called ‘Kink Fashion For Curvy Dommes.’
I hope you enjoy the goodies I’ve found!
*It should be noted that the links to these items are for my Amazon Affiliates account. This affiliate account doesn’t really earn much. But, it helps offset expenses for a home I donate as a safe house for domestic violence victims.
The overlap always hides that pesky lower abdominal region. For me, that area is my nemesis.
Second, the top part of the overlap is off-kilter leading the eye down and away from the abdominal while ALSO creating a trick-of-the-eye triangular effect which is always slimming.
V shape is a fashion staple to slim and flatter curvy types.
Lastly, skorts. Sometimes, in a mini skirt, I’m constantly worried about exposing my hoooch. Skorts are perfect, they look like a mini, but hide the goods.
Corsets are struggle enough most of the time. Spend your energy on better things than struggling with a corset.
Second, it’s sleek. Visually, we humans like curves. Easy, smooth curves with no disruptions is an observers dream scenario. This corset accommodates that.
Faux leather. No animals were harmed.
Lastly, hourglass, hourglass, hourglass. We all desire it. Hourglass gives us the good feels. Every Domme should have a corset.
This does exactly that w/ 60% polyester, 40% spandex.
What I like even more is that it starts like a snuggly pencil skirt, but then moves into fun ruffles.
Speaking of the ruffles-they give good texture. They also keep it from being too pencil skirt-ish, which can optically over-inflate hips. If you’re already hippy, this skirt will balance you out.
Length. It can elongate. Sometimes, for me, a mini makes me look stubby.
The irregular hemline of angled ruffles creates drama which can be a great distraction AND a perfect accent of playfulness.
Pearls. What a nice pop of something different. Pretty, a little theatrical but not heavy and overpowering. Just the right amount of ‘extra.’
I’ve not seen too many plus size long gloves and I’m thrilled to have found these.
Not only are they aesthetically pleasing, complimentary and sending a subluminal message of higher station, they can make our arms look sleek, seductive and mysterious.
Many kinksters and fetishists LOVE wet-look. It’s a BDSM staple in kink fashion that even non-fetishists really enjoy.
Slapping lands differently with gloves. Especially wet-look gloves. The sound and feel enhances the ambiance of your scene.
Plus, what submissive doesn’t love to have their face clutched with a gloved hand?
Harnesses are almost always made for very thin folks. It’s just recently that I’m seeing many more options for more traditional body types.
Harnesses are becoming a favorable kinky fashion accessory. They can be worn on the skin as in this image, OR over stockings, latex, wet-look leggings, catsuits, etc.
They can also draw the eye to accentuate waste and lower body ‘assets.’ For bottom heavy gals like me, I sometimes like to show off my small waist and thunder thighs. Conversely, my BFF likes to use a thigh harness like this to add lower-body visual ‘weight’ to balance off her large boobies.
In a recent blog post, I listed some easy consent-convo starters and received a terrific response. Folks wrote to say how helpful it was to have a list of sentences they could keep on-the-ready to help when the situation arose.
With that in mind, I put together a short list of polite boundary setters to help navigate protecting your energy and advocating for yourself in the moment.
Some are kink-applicable, but mostly, they are general day-to-day boundary setters that you can be comfortable issuing.
Please let me know how they work out.
I can’t do that but I can help you find someone who can.
Thanks for your concern, but, I can handle this.
I’m not comfortable discussing this with you.
I’m allowed to change my mind.
I appreciate the gesture, but in the future, I’d prefer ….
I can’t attend/participate but I appreciate the invitation.
Thank you, but I’m not interested.
I wish I could, but I can’t.
I can’t take on additional responsibilities right now.
I’m uncomfortable with what you just said/did.
I cant do ______, but I’m open to trying ________.
In the kink community kinksters rely upon open communication in order to provide a safe space. This helps us to access our vulnerabilities and get to know one another and build trust.
When trust happens, it leads to the consent required for all the kinky, intimate and fun things we like to do together.
But sometimes, in our eagerness to get to the big show or when we’re deep in our scene/intimacy, we can struggle to find the words needed to make sure we’re checking in with our partners and gaining their explicit consent.
I’ve put together a list that has helped me start and keep open communication flowing to make sure full consent is occurring. I hope you find these useful. Please share your suggestions and ideas in the replies, or tag me on Twitter @MistressKye so we can share your insights with others in the kink community.
Here are 35 EASY ways to get the consent conversation started:
*In as much as I’m grateful to you for checking out my blog post, I never, ever want to cause anyone to be blindsided by something that will trigger distress. So please accept my trigger warning.
In my many decades in the kink scene and working as an advocate for intimate partner violence victims I’ve seen every form of narcissist. From covertly mild to violently abusive I’ve seen them all. Where you find the vulnerable, you find predators. And, narcissists are indeed predators.
This Letter From a Narcissist is a culmination of all of them. It’s something I sat down and wrote simply because I needed to get out of my body after seeing my dear friend broken from yet another narcissist. She’d gotten better at spotting them, but this one was incredibly cunning, manipulative and had developed highly covert skills.
In the end, the core pattern was the same.
Dear __________,
I have to warn you. Before we start, you should run.
Seriously, run.
Don’t think about it. Don’t look back. Just run. Forget you ever met me.
FUCKING. RUN!
I will break your heart. I will stomp all over it. I will obliterate you
And I’ll feel zero remorse.
It’ll go a little like this:
First, I’ll fall hard and fast for you. You will be my life’s breath. You’ll feel loved like nothing you’ve ever experienced. I will love you to the point of exhaustion. You’ll think all your dreams are coming true. I’ll make you love me. I’ll make your family love me. Your friends will love me. I’ll charm EVERYONE that’s important to you.
Then, I’ll give you hope. Hope for a perfect future. Hope for everything you’ve ever wished for. I’ll be the answer to all your dreams. I’ll paint milestones of beauty like a wedding, kids, life partnership, buying a house, and every meaningful event you desire. I will speak of a deeper connection, fulfillment, and all the lovely things you can imagine.
I will find out EXACTLY what your hopes & dreams are. Then, I’ll project them back to you that I’M the hearts & roses path to them. The ONLY path to them. And, you will see it. You will feel it. You will breath it. I’m THAT convincing.
Then, I’ll get bored.
YOUwill bore me.
Suddenly and without warning I will get so very bored. You’ll begin to disgust me and you’ll pick up on this change. It will confuse you. You’ll feel pain. But, I don’t care. You bore me to my core. I’ll lose interest in everything about you. Your touch. Your words. Your life. I’ll pull away without explanation. Then, I wont think of you at all.
You’ll work so very hard to remind me of the good old days. Of our special love. But, it’ll be too late. I’ve already moved on. You don’t know it, but you DO NOT exist for me anymore. And, I don’t care that you don’t realize this.
You. Do. Not. Exist.
You’ll defend me to your family and friends. I’ll act like I’ve never met them.
You. Will. Exhaust. Yourself.
If you’re lucky, I won’t be the obsessive, stalker, violent abuser type. But you won’t know that until you’re in SO deep that life feels like a boot on your throat.
I will not stop until you HATE ME more than you ever loved me.
Dungeon/Play party etiquette can vary from event to event, venue to venue. The dungeon you were at last weekend may have had a very rigid code of conduct. One you’re interested in attending next month may appear to operate on a free-for-all basis. Even your favorite event host may have changing party protocols based solely upon the venue they secure.
This can be confusing, and even frustrating, at times. I get it. As a many-decades kinkster, I’ve seen dungeon etiquette run the gambit.
So, how do I combat the confusion? For every event I plan to attend, even if I’ve been there before, I proactively seek the rules. And, I do it BEFORE purchasing my ticket. With little effort you can locate them. Dungeons usually have club rules clearly listed on their website. On FetLife, they’re almost always posted within the event page description. If you have trouble finding them, reach out to the host directly. Just don’t wait until the day of the event when everyone’s setting up and too busy to answer PM’s and emails.
Although party-specific rules can vary, there are commonly accepted universal rules in the kink community.
For the purposes of this blog post we’re calling them ‘dungeon etiquette.’ But, these are consideration/thoughtfulness/respect-based codes of conduct that are long-standing and established for dungeon/play parties.
.
Do NOT Touch
Seems simple and sounds like common sense, right? Three little words. Yet, it’s one of the biggest problems at many kink events. Dungeons have even taken to posting signage that reads “NO TOUCHING WITHOUT EXPLICIT CONSENT.” The BDSM/kink community is built on a foundation of trust through open communication and explicit consent which leads to the trust we require to access vulnerable places within us. Consent being the paramount component.
But, sometimes people feel like they are in grey areas. Or, for a myriad of reasons, they just aren’t sure how be behave situationally. I understand. The best advice I can give is to never, ever touch without explicit, expressed consent.
What often happens at play parties is we get caught up in all the excitement and dopamine & endorphins start pumping through us. Everyone has been there. But, it’s important to remind ourselves that just because we are in a sexually charged environment, that NEVER means it’s ok to touch someone without their EXPLICIT expressed consent. Regardless of what’s occurring around us.
Over the years, I’ve been asked questions from folks who felt situationally confused, had the best of intentions, but felt they were in a grey area and didn’t want to proceed poorly. Here’s small sample of a few of those questions them:
“What if I did a scene with them at a previous event last week?
NO. The consent you were granted does not go beyond the the scene your shared together last week. It isn’t a blanket consent.
“They said once they’d like to play/do a scene with me someday.”
NO. That’s just a previous expression of interest. It’s not a current green light to touch them.
“We’ve been messaging and planned to meet up here at this event.”
NO. This is NEVER a guarantee of intimacy or kink play. You’re simply meeting up at the event. People use public events (even play parties) as an opportunity to safely get to know others in the community. This is a common vetting practice. Just because you discussed your compatible kinks, or even flirted a bit prior, it’s not ever permission to touch them in-person without explicit consent.
It’s also important to note that just because someone accepted a gesture from you in the past, like a hug, it’s not standing permission to do same. I always ask if I can hug them even when I know it’s ok. This because my actions as a fellow kinkster can set an example for others and we’re all responsible for the betterment of our community.
Advice: A consent violation is not worth the risk. Not only does it mean getting booted from the event, a ‘consent violator’ often gets blacklisted in their local kink community. Once labeled as such, there’s not really any coming back from that.
Hands Off Someone’s Toys
Toy collections are often personal. They’ve been used for intimate connections and can carry fond memories. Often, past or current partners may have gifted them. To some folks, they may just seem like objects-du-fun, but to many collection owners, they’re very personal. In the same way you wouldn’t just hop on a strangers motorcycle or use someone’s eyeshadow palette without asking, the same applies for kink toys.
BUT, if you’re like me, and you see something really sexy or interesting, you want to know more!
The good thing is kinksters DO love to chat about their collection. If you want to handle someone’s implements (toys, I’m talking about toys ya pervs), all you have to do is engage the owner. I like openers similar to “mind if I check out your paddle/flogger?” or “this is really cool, is it ok if I pick it up?” or “can I see what it feels like to hold/swing this?” Asking if it’s hand made or who made it is also a great opener. You’ll likely get a favorable response because you were respectful. Plus, a new kink friendship was is often made.
Btw, keep timing in mind. If they’re laying toys out, it’s probable that they’re headed into a scene. Is their play partner already positioned? Do they seem in a zone? Its best to suss that out before engaging them. Approach them once they’ve re-emerged from aftercare.
Did you know that the laying out of toys is often a ritualistic PART of the scene? It’s a psychological tool in our arsenal that we Dominants/Tops wield to build delicious, seductive anticipation. BONUS: An added benefit to asking first is that others will see/witness you as respectful. Respect garners you trust. Trust and respect are currency in the kink community!
Respect Everyone’s Bubble
Whether it’s their personal bubble or an scene bubble, steer clear.
A Personal Bubble is the space that surrounds someone’s body. That space belongs to them. Every society has a standard bubble and in the US it’s 18″. We’ve all had that uncomfortable feeling when someone is standing too close, that’s the intrusion of your personal bubble. At kink events, try to be very mindful of everyone’s personal bubble. Body language violations are powerful silent assigns that can garner someone a ‘creepy vibe’ reputation.
A Scene Bubble is the space surrounding where someone is engaged in play or a “scene.” Respecting a scene bubble is incredibly important for several of reasons.
First, you never interrupt a scene (this is discussed below in Never Interrupt An Active Scene). Walking or standing too close to an active scene is intrusive, distracting and disrespectful to those engaged in it. We all love to watch a good scene, who doesn’t? But, that must happen from a respectful distance. A good rule of thumb is to imagine a bubble around the scene, then, make the bubble a third larger. That’s your guideline.
The second reason to respect a scene bubble is safety. From personal experience folks have gotten whacked by my floggers’ backswing by walking too close. I’ve seen people walk into active paddles. Once, a Top’s wrist got sprained and the person walking into them got a black eye because there were beelining it to watch another scene-but not paying attention to the one right in front of them.
Reminder: A personal bubble is approximately 2′. For scenes, imagine a bubble around the play area, then, make it 1/3 bigger. That’s your boundary.
Use Your DM’s. What’s A DM?
Most every event you’ll attend where kink play is engaged has dungeon monitors (DM’s). They’re there to keep everyone safe via security, answering questions and assisting party go’ers. They generally know the answers to any questions you have and if they don’t, they know where to get ’em. DM’s also wrap folks up when they’ve gone over allotted equipment or room limits. They oversee active public scenes to ensure a sub/bottom is ok or that the Top/Dom/me is respecting limits & boundaries. They can assist with equipment issues as well.
Generally, they’re in place to attend to everyone best interest. Like kinky guardian angels.
Sex and Nudity. Ask Ahead.
As discussed above, kink events/play parties are highly varied. So is the Sex/Nudity rule. In many locations in the US, events cannot legally have alcohol AND nudity/sex. Some parties offer BYOB. Some don’t. Some allow BYOB & nudity but no penetration. CFNM are power exchange-centered where subs are required to be nude but they’re there to serve, not to engage in kinky sex. Rope events can be nude or clothed, partner sex or just rope share. There are many, MANY variables.
If this is important to you for an event you’re considering, check the promo materials, event page or website. It’s often outlined there. If not, contact the event holder directly. I’d especially contact them about the issue surrounding alcohol and sex because there are actual local laws and ordinances regarding this. Brick and mortar locations are usually up to date on the specifics of local laws & ordinances since they hold the all the legal liability. Locations have been shut down altogether for violating these local ordinances.
It’s best to check every event thoroughly.
Advice: Do you due diligence. Never go into a kink event assuming nudity, sex or alcohol are an option.
Never Interrupt An Active Scene
As touched upon in the ‘Bubble’ section, avoiding an active scene is required for good etiquette. In fact, it’s highly frowned upon.
When players choose to engage publicly and share their scene with us, it’s a gift, not an invitation to engage WITH them. If they scene publicly it’s usually because they feel safe and comfortable. Isn’t that what we all seek in the kink community – to have a safe and comfortable place to be ourselves? Avoid fracturing their scene, because ultimately, it can fracture their feeling of safety.
So, unless you’ve been clearly invited, and engaged in negotiations ahead of time, stand down. I’d go so far as to say that even if a Top invites you mid-scene, decline. Why? You have no way of knowing if the bottom/sub consented to THAT in negotiations. And, they certainly can’t consent mid-scene when they’re likely high on mind-altering things like endorphins and dopamine, right?
Scene interruption also includes being mindful of your voice level when in close proximity. Especially in smaller play spaces.
Remember: Whatever the reason they chose to play in front of everyone, it’s never, EVER an invitation to interrupt, comment, offer suggestions, flirt, joke around, step into, touch etc.
Clean Up After Yourself
This seems like a no-brainer. But, clean up falls through the cracks more often than people realize. If you’ve been part of a dungeon crew or play party event staff, you understand this all too well.
It’s not that folks are running around being ignorant and thoughtless. Not at all. What happens is that everyone is zombie’d out after a scene and clean up falls through the cracks. Or, aftercare occurs and everyone is coming down from endorphins, adrenaline & dopamine and are sorta stupefied.
But, part of the social contract of being permitted to scene at someone’s event is post-scene clean up. At some events it goes further than a social contract and it’s part of the rules listed in the paperwork you signed upon entry. This is especially so at brick and mortar dungeons. If they’re kind enough to purchase & provide the clean up products, try to be mindful to use them.
Also, imagine if the people before you didn’t clean up. Would you want to be rubbing around in their stray sweat, saliva or other bodily fluids? I always recommend using the sanitizing supplies and wipes prior to and after your scene.
Note: Nobody wants to be disrespectful to others. Try to be mindful that clean up is part of your overall scene. It can be a shared task further bonding the two of you post-scene.Or, for the service subs, clean up extends your scene further.
Confidentiality
Confidentially is up there with consent. It’s a kink/BDSM fundamental that’s rooted all the way back to when we kinksters were forced to play deeply underground.
What happens at parties, stays at parties. Just like Vegas.
Some confidentiality guidelines to consider:
Sometimes you run into someone from your vanilla life AT a kink event. It happens. Sometimes it’s awkward, sometimes it’s not. Regardless, it’s best to refrain from talking to them about outside-world, vanilla stuff. Why? Many people leave their ‘real-world’ identities at the door and are there to indulge in their kink persona. Just like you, they’re there to escape into and enjoy kinky aspects of themselves. Nothing kills a kinky buzz like real-world talk.
Regarding that same vanilla friend just mentioned. When you do see them again in your vanilla lives, remember that kink talk isn’t comfortable for most folks. They’re often scared of being accidentally ‘outted’ or someone overhearing your conversation. Suss that out, a lot. Maybe you’ll chat kink, maybe you wont. But, never lead with thinking it’s ok.
Since many people can’t be ‘out’ about being kinky we need to protect one another. If you see or meet someone at a ANY kink event and run into them publicly its best to proceed as if they’re a stranger. Even if they’re alone. Plus, you don’t know what their comfort level is about that part of their life. The next time you see each other at a kink event, you’ll have something to chat about AND you’ll both likely make a new kink friend.
We all make a social pact in the kink community to look out for one another’s best interest. Be a good community member.
My own personal, bonkers, experience with this:I was at a public, vanilla event with my horses. From across a large crowd I hear “Mistress Kye, Mistress Kye!” I was up on my horse and clearly a center of attention in the crowd. Plus, there were tons of kids around me and my horse. I made eye contact and smiled to silently acknowledge them and then continued with the crowd. I figured they’d take the hint. Surprisingly, they didn’t. They proceeded calling out “Mistress Kye!” from across the crowd as they made their way towards me. Because of this, I had to move my horse away from the kids while being as nonchalant as I could. I even looked back to give “shut up” eyeballs as I walked off-and they were STILL calling out. I went to our horsey break area for privacy. There I told them to STFU to hell and back. Normally, I would never be so hostile. Normally, I’d just ignore them and address it the next time I saw them. Most people would take the hint at the start. BUT, they made such an inappropriate spectacle that it forced me to exit a paid gig in order to shut them down. I was a little upset at their sheer thoughtlessness. Sure, I’m openly out as a kinkster, but that type of spectacle is never ok in a vanilla setting. At an adult convention, YES, call me out across the crowd, let’s do a selfie, lets chat! A vanilla event,NO screaming “Mistress Kye!” in front of kids.
Intoxicating Substances
For the most part, event hosts do NOT want anyone playing under the influence. That’s because legal responsibility falls upon them. There are a plethora of legal issues, criminal and civil, that event hosts/dungeon owners face if they allow intoxicated play to occur and something goes wrong. But most importantly, it’s simply not safe for you, who you’re playing with, or the host of the event.
Does this mean that ALL events don’t allow alcohol or other substances? No. It happens. As mentioned in the ‘Sex and Nudity’ section above, all events vary. But, I can attest that after decades in the kink scene, most of the worst instances/disasters I know of have occurred with folks under the influence. I’ve seen hospital visits, broken bones, damaged kidneys and more. Even under the best circumstances, what we do can get risky and things go wrong. Why amplify the odds of something bad happening?
Most dungeons and event hosts are NOT willing to incur the risks surrounding the legal ramifications of intoxicated players.And, if you have a reputation for playing high or drunk, they’ll blacklist you from their eventsto protect themselves and their community.
Honorariums. Scene Names. Pronouns.
It’s simple. How someone chooses to be addressed is how you address them. Period.
Honorariums
You know me as Mistress Kye. I’ve chosen that. Yet, I’ve experienced (by mostly cis men) being called “Goddess” in place of “Mistress.” I don’t care for this whatsoever and I’ll tell you why. I CHOSE “Mistress” and I’m well within reason to expect to be called by something I chose for myself, rather than what someone else prefers to call me. All kink protocols aside, it’s just rude as fuck to address others by what YOU prefer, than what they call themselves. It’s like someone introducing their friend “James” and someone immediate saying “Nice to meet you, Jimmy.”
It has nothing to do with our kink community protocols and everything to do with human-to-human respect.
Scene Names
Let’s say you know someone’s ‘real’ name or government name because you’re friendly outside the kink community. Although you have that familiarity, it’s best to address them by their chosen scene name when involved in any kink community events. Unless otherwise directed by that person. The person you see at events is often their alter persona. Let them indulge in that part of themselves.
Pronouns
I know this should go without saying, but, just ask. Period. It’s easy. “What are your preferred pronouns?”
Advice: Just ask how someone wants to be addressed.
*Please accept my invitation to share your insights, experiences, suggestions, etc. regarding dungeon and play party etiquette, rules & protocols. I know there’s SO much more you can to add to this conversationandI’d love to hear from you in the replies so we can share a discussion together.
Also, feel free to share on your socials so we can bring more folks into our conversation.
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Being communication-present with active listening builds stronger intimate connections.
We feel most connected with others when we’re listening more than talking.
As a kink educator, a common concern I hear from the kink community is feeling unheard or not thoroughly listened to.
It seems that with content thrust upon us at every turn, as a society we’ve built in a numbing-of-the-noise in our daily lives. Content even comes crashing into the most mundane of places. Just yesterday, I was pumping gas and a screen above the pump came on with a segment from The Tonight Show followed by 3 commercials. Who benefits from 3 commercials while pumping gas? Not you or I, that’s for sure. Just the opposite, it’s conditioning us to a listening numbness that probably affects our ability to listen even when we want to. Like when we want to get our kink on.
One of our fundamentals in the kink community is open communication. But, what’s open communication worth without active listening? We have to place as much importance on listening as we do on sharing. Listening to one another carefully is how we form a stronger intimate connection.
Becoming a better listener might seem simple but it’s often not so easy. Many folks struggle to be communication-present. Active listening takes effort, and oftentimes, some self-training. That’s where mindfulness comes in.
Here are 3 simple, yet powerful tips rooted in mindfulness that will help develop your listening skills and a better kink experience.
1. Be curious.
Sincere curiosity means that we are interested in learning and letting others engage & influence us. Curiosity leads to learning but because comprehension requires humility, we must be willing to be humble and acknowledge not knowing.
Admitting to not knowing can hit differently for some kinksters involved in power exchange play or dynamics/relationships.
For some Dominants, it’s oftentimes a struggle due to fears of looking weak for not being all-knowing. Especially to their submissive. For subs, they can fear looking unworthy of serving if they don’t ‘know’ and anticipate their all their Dominant’s needs.
Regardless of which side of the slash we fall, sincere curiosity is a root element to practicing mindful listening. It creates a safe space for others to feel at ease and communicate.
Listening to one another carefully is how we build a stronger intimate connections. This connection helps us build trust.
Mistress Kye
A part of sincere curiosity that can make active listening easier is by setting a genuine intention to understand the other person. What happens is that the more they see your curiosity & intention, the more inclined they’ll be to engage. Their engagement ultimately helps assist you with your active listening.
It can take time to get better at mindfulness, so try not to be too hard on yourself. Active listening overall is a practiced process. Sort of like a kink journey. It takes time, investment, nurturing and practice.
Here are some of the ways you can use mindfulness to help you practice sincere curiosity.
-Ask yourself what matters most to them in what they are sharing?
-What are some of the feelings you see underlying what they’re sharing about their kink interests?
-What sounds like their wants, needs and desires in what they’re expressing?
-Stay curious until you get a sincere sense that they feel they’ve been heard and understood.
An important part of this is checking in with yourself.
-How did it feel to practice genuine interest?
-What did you learn that you might not have known otherwise?
-How can what you learned help you in future active listening?
-How can what you learned help you to understand your kink journey together?
2. Letting others influence you
For some in the kink community, it may feel uncomfortable to hear that they should be influenced. For others, outside influence can be problematic.
Some Dominants can be especially objectionable to influence. But I like to remind them that influence isn’t a scary word so long as we’re talking about positive influence. If the goal is to move forward, whether it’s leading a scene or a dynamic/relationship, a good leader knows positive influence is necessary from all parties involved. Their input and influence is part of the overall well-being of your collective journey together.
Subs can often struggle with people-pleasing so the wrong kind of influence can be problematic. Being submissive doesn’t mean following blindly. It seems they sometimes forget they have agency. Using mindful active listening can help them decide WHO should be allowed to influence them, rather than just letting the urge to people-please make the decisions.
The best type of influence occurs when we recognize that we should listen in the way we wish to be listened to. It is a potent tool in developing greater intimacy through kink.
We feel most connected with others when we’re listening more than talking
Mistress Kye
3. Be quite. Be Patient.
It’s pretty impossible to be speaking AND listening at the same time. So, if you’ve set your intention to listen, do just that. One of the most powerful tools we can have as a kinkster is being patient.
A common struggle is wanting to chime in. Whether there’s a lull in the conversation or wanting to reply to what’s been said, being quite and patient takes practice. Mindfulness can help with that.
Here are 2 mindful things to consider in those circumstances:
Lulls are often people gathering their thoughts. Give them time to ponder and find their feelings & words. When engaging in kinky communication we’re often accessing vulnerable places within ourselves. Give them a safe space to move at their own pace.
We simply cannot absorb & comprehend if we’re distracted preparing our response. In order to be a better listener, focus on what’s being said to you. You may feel compelled to chime in when there’s a lull, but use that time to absorb what’s just been expressed to you. You’ll have your chance to respond soon enough.
Patience is something many struggle with but it can be achieved with practice. Start small by simply being mindful that you want to be a better listener
By applying any, or all, of these potent listening skills you’ll put the other person at ease. That alone can provide the ‘permission’ necessary to speak their peace or express their kinky wants, needs and desires. A greater flow of communication and connection will come from that, and you’ll be on your way to developing greater intimacy through kink.
In its 9th year, they bring you 2022’s hottest trends, terms, searches and a recap of everything that happened throughout the year.
You’ll find plenty of colorful infographics filled with data compiled by Pornhub’s statisticians throughout the year. As always, they provide a little commentary while breaking down primary trends on the site and detail porn viewership around the world.
A fan favorite in the US is the Top Searches by State. I’ve seen A LOT of folks chiming in on Twitter posting fun & sarcastic commentary and jokes about their home state’s taste in porn.
Top searches are almost always influenced by pop culture and other worldwide events and this year is no different.
Reality porn topped the trends in 2022 as the category grew by +169% to become one of the Top 20 categories, while popularity of the Amateur category has dropped slightly.
As a 30+ years OG FemDom, or Female Dominant, it’s not surprising to me to see ‘FemDom’ atop the The Searches That Defined 2022 list.
I’ve watched the embracement of female domination grow over the decades in the lifestyle kink community. It’s a natural progression that it would have an osmosis into societal trends and capitalism.
Other fan favorites include Most Popular Performers and Most Viewed Amateur Models.
“This year Abella Danger was the most searched for pornstar, knocking Lana Rhoades into 2nd place. Angela White increased +3 in rank to become Pornhub’s 3rd most searched pornstar, dropping Eva Elfie and Riley Reid to round out the Top 5. Between them, the Top 5 pornstars have more than 7.1 billion all-time video views!
Pornstars that had big gains in 2022 include Emiliy Willis, and Violet Myers whose rank increased by +13 to join our Top 10. Searches for Lasirena69 gained +19 in rank, Rae Lil Black by +12 and Sky Bri by +14.”
More fan favorite top searches can be found on Porhub’s full and INTERESTING Year In Review 2022 article HERE
Kinkology 